CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION
TITLE: Four Things
DURATION: 18:15

Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê

Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê

As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way.

Lauren:  Today we have Rebecca with us. She's going to share her wedding outfit story, and she's going to share some wonderful advice about the wedding process as a whole. Hi Rebecca, could you introduce yourself?

Rebecca:  My name is Rebecca. IÕm very honored to be here. I'm an engineer. I live in the Pacific Northwest. I've been married almost a year now and I hope brides out there can take encouragement and wisdom from my story that will help them in this exciting but maybe stressful process.

Lauren: You had a very intimate wedding. Where was your first thought when it came to what you were going to wear that day?

Rebecca: I had always pictured myself in I think it's called an A-line. So the bodice is tight until just above your hip bones but basically right below your ribcage. It doesn't poof; it kind of just lays out flat. So that was what I had always pictured for my dress. And the one I did get was a trumpet style. It was a shiny satiny material. And it was a very pure white. It wasn't like a cream. 

I did make some alterations to the dress in the fact that it came with a sequined belt. And I had that removed. And I just got a really long red ribbon. It was a É I would say a blood red, maybe a shade deeper. And then a friend of mine made me this beautiful belt of silver leaves.

Lauren: Do you find that those details were very personal and maybe said a little bit about who you are as a person?

Rebecca: Definitely. Yeah, exactly that. And I felt like it was those details that really made the dress my perfect dress as it were. For instance, when I went dress shopping, I decided to take my entire bridal party with me and my mom and my grandma. I had eight bridesmaids. So there was a lot of us.
Helpful hints to future brides. I don't recommend taking that many people. It turned out lovely. And I was so thankful to have all of them there because it was a special moment that I did want to share with each and every single one of them. 

However, each person has their own opinion. And even when they're being completely supportive and they're trying to listen to what you want, sometimes you yourself are kind of like, ÒWell I kind of like this about a dress, but I'm not so sure about that.Ó And so you are looking for input, but when you have eleven different people giving you input, it's a little overwhelming. 

But it did turn out great. All of my bridesmaids and my mom and grandma were super supportive, very helpful. And they were very respectful and could tell when I was starting to get overloaded and immediately backed off, so I was very thankful for all of them. 

When I found my dress, I put it on in the changing room and at first I actually wasn't É I wasn't sold. I liked the way the dress sat on me. I liked the material, but I didn't like the belt and it just didn't feel like me. So I walked out of the dressing room and I stand up there, and they É they can see I'm kind of smiling and they're like, ÒOkay, so you like this dress?Ó And I'm like, ÒI like the shape of it.Ó And my dress also had a tiny bit of a train that was maybe two and a half, three feet trailing behind me as I'm walking. 

I'm like, ÒI like the way it fits my body. I just, I don't like this belt it has.Ó So they're like, ÒOkay, let's see what we can do.Ó And there was a little shelf off to one side that had a bunch of accessories that you could pair with the dress if you're trying it on. And so there was this red ribbon and so they put that up around my waist. And I smiled a little big and I'm like, ÒI really like that. But it's still not quite there.Ó 

And then they found this belt that also had a like a leafy nature sort of feel to it, but it was silver and had some diamond-esque s in there too. And so they put that around the red ribbon that was tied around my waist on top of the belt that my current dress had. And I was like, ÒThat is beautiful. Okay, this, I like this.Ó 

And then to top it off, there were a couple veils that you could try on. And I had always thought that I would go with one of those veils that goes to your hips and has a part that covers your face and then a part that goes down your back but I put on this cathedral veil and my smile just lit up the room. I was like, ÒThis is it. This is the one!Ó 

And I just started laughing. And they're laughing with me. And the lady who was helping me try on dresses was like, ÒIs this the one?Ó And I was like, ÒYeah, this is the one.Ó But yeah, I would say the dress wasn't my perfect dress until I added my own flair to it. It by itself was beautiful but it wasn't perfect until it had my style added.

Lauren: What do you think the red ribbon and the sort of leaf motif and obviously that gorgeously long cathedral veil which É when you said that I was like, ÒYeah, they're huge.Ó What do you think those added elements say about you? What did they symbolize about you as a person that made that dress perfect for you?

Rebecca: That is a really good question. My style has always been a more simple kind of elegant. So my dress was just simple trumpet style with a slight train. But the material was just a shimmery satin. There was no beadwork. No extra flair. It was strapless so I loved that simplicity. 

I donÕt know if you could tell from little elements of my story, I do also have a little bit of sass in me and a little bit of spiciness. So, I think the red added that little bit of spice I really like. And the belt added a touch of sparkle to it because it is your day, you do want to sparkle. You want to be a princess. 

And then the cathedral veil, that one is a little bit harder to pinpoint. I think maybe it's because it's very grand. It's more of a traditional classic elegant and I think that was another touch that I didn't know I was looking for until I had it on.

Lauren: I know we've talked a lot about the dress itself, but when you put on for the first time, you were sort of not sure. And then once you had all the elements on with it and you had that like Òlight upÓ moment where you were smiling. But beyond that feeling that clearly you achieved, do you think there was an emotional state or an emotional psychological process that you were going through at that time? 

Rebecca: Um, growing up I had a really good childhood and a really good relationship with my dad, and I think that helped instill in me a very deep confidence. So all my life I have been a pretty confident person. I've also been the type of person that I always know what I want; and so I make a plan to get there and I follow through.

So I think I had an idea of what the dress would look like that preemptively in my mind I assumed would achieve what I wanted to feel like. But standing there in that dress, all the pieces adding up, and then when we had it all together, and I was with my mom and my closest friend É yeah, I do think there was emotional ÒThis is it.Ó These elements together are what achieve this feeling. I feel beautiful, I feel elegant, but I feel like myself. I feel like I'm not just a pretty person wearing a pretty dress for a pretty event, but I'm my own kind of elegant. IÕm my own kind of beautiful. These things are beautiful but together they bring elements of me. Does that make sense?

Lauren: Absolutely. You want to look like a princess but you also want to be you.

Rebecca: Exactly.

Lauren: Moving a little bit forward in time did you ever have your husband to be in mind when you were selecting your dress? And then did you let him see it before or did you preserve the tradition of not showing him the dress beforehand?

Rebecca: Yeah, I did have him in mind when I was picking out my dress. Actually when they put the cathedral veil on my head I'm like, ÒI look like a total queen.Ó And the next thought that came into my head was ÒI really hope he cries. I really hope when I walk down the aisle and he sees me or whenever he sees me for the first time, I really hope he gets so overcome with emotion he cries.Ó

Our photographer actually proposed to us the idea of a first look. When my husband and I talked about it he actually, and this was a little surprising to me, he was the one that wanted to wait to see me until I was walking down that aisle. To this day I still don't fully put it all together but I think it's because he wanted the moment that he saw me in the dress walking down the aisle to be moments away from when I was all his. 

Lauren:  Clearly during the ceremony you're wrapped up in that moment. Did your husband tell you how he felt about your dress? Or how you looked? 

Rebecca: He did say I looked beautiful. I think both of us were just so enamored with each other and blissful in the thought that ÒOh my gosh, we're married. Can you believe it?Ó We're not poetic type people. We're both engineers. So we're very like, to the point. We say what we think and that's it. 

Lauren: So, in the end after going through this whole process do you think the outfit was one of the most important things? If you had gotten married in say another dress do you think that day would have been just as special for you?

Rebecca:  That is a really good question. I think the answer boils down to every woman has a handful of things that are most important to her for a wedding. For some, it's a dress. For others, it's the photographer, others it's food. And I would recommend to any bride before you go headlong into the wedding planning process, pick out four things that are most important to you that you will cut corners on everything else. But not these four things. 

And then I would say ask your groom the same thing because a lot of people assume that, like the man doesn't care, and on most things it's true. My husband didn't care, but there were some things that he cared about. So I'd say both of you pick out those four things that are most important to you. And then everything else -- choose to let it go. 

Because a wedding is a chaotic, beautiful, and crazy event. There's so many people, and there's so many aspects that go into it that not every single part of it will be perfect. 

So for me, one of the most important things was the photographer. I wanted to have beautiful pictures that I could always go back and remember that day. I would recommend to any bride it's worth it. Splurge. Get a really great photographer. And don't just pick someone that you're like ÒWow, they have good pretty photos.Ó Look at their artistic style. 

Yes, it'll be cheaper if you go with someone you know, but don't do it. I have several friends that they had a good friend who was a great photographer. But weddings are stressful and they put strain on all your relationships. And there was a blowout before the wedding. And needless to say, they didn't get the pictures they were hoping for.

So it's worth it. Go the extra. Just have a professional photographer that you hire and there's no relationship beyond professional, just so that there's not that emotional relationship that gets in the way. 

Photographer was incredibly important to me. People were important to me. So yeah, there were some people I really wanted there, that couldn't be there. But I guess our compromise had been that we would do a reception later where all those people could be there. 

And then the third thing was my dress. Not that I was trying to make it all about the looks and the aesthetic, but I wanted to feel on this special day like a queen. So, to me, yes. It was important to have the dress and have my perfect dress. But I would say it doesn't have to be. 

Lauren: I think that was fantastic advice that you gave. I think that's extremely useful for anyone who's going through this process currently who's trying to figure out what they need to focus on. So thank you for that. Is there anything you want to share beyond what we've already talked about? 

Rebecca: Something that I in hindsight have learned is that youÕve got to tell people how you want it. Otherwise they, in the most É the most caring and most loving way, want to step up and help you but they have their own opinion of what the perfect day will be. And so they will bring those to the table when they're, in all honesty trying to help you and trying and keep it on you. But to them, x, y, and z is more important than a, b, and c.

It's your day at the end of it all, so decide what you want and then tell people ÒThis is how it is, this is how I want it.Ó Because a lot of people won't agree with you. A lot of people will have well-meaning opinions about what the day should look like. And I would say if it's someone important to you, listen to them, hear them out. But don't let what they want overcome what you want. 

And then the last thing is, and it kind of contradicts the second thing, there are people in your life that this day is also very important to. For instance, your mom. She's always had a picture of you growing up and getting married and what she wants that day to look like for you. She wants it to be beautiful. She wants it to be perfect. And she wants you to be happy. 

And in her mind, certain things have to happen for you to be happy because, like any person, she has four things that she thinks are most important in a wedding. And maybe they're not the four things that you had in mind. 

So it is your day, stick to your four things, but if there's something that's really important to your mom that is outside those four things, I would say consider letting her have it because this day is important to her too. And she loves you and she just wants the best for you.

Lauren: That's so reflective and personal and also very helpful for anyone listening. So thank you for that because I think it's a very powerful thing and also a very generous thing to do. The fact that you you're giving this gift almost to your loved ones of letting them have a say is beautiful advice.