CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION
TITLE: WhoÕs Going to Do the Dishes?
DURATION: 31:41

Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê

Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê

As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way.

Lauren: Today we have Crystal with us. She lives in western Pennsylvania but she also calls eastern Pennsylvania her home and sheÕs here to share her wedding story with us. Can you please introduce yourself? 

Crystal: My name is Crystal. I currently live in Elwood City, which is a small town about 40 miles away from Pittsburgh, north and west, but IÕm from Morrisville so I went completely from one end of the state to the other! And I have been married for 38 years to Bill my husband and I currently work as a scheduler in a surgery center.

Lauren: I think that a really good question to start off is, since you sort of have already mentioned that you have grown up in a way in two different places, what were your thoughts around marriage and weddings and all of that sort of hullabaloo when you were younger? What were your opinions and even aspirations if you had any at that point in your life?

Crystal: I absolutely never had any aspirations of getting married and having children. I was going to drop out of kindergarten and I was going to be the president in first grade. And then I think I moved on to being an artist. At some point I decided I would be a vet. So truly marriage and children never, never, never, never crossed my mind. It kind of was a Òleft fieldÓ even up until the time Bill and I got engaged. It was kind of not there. We were just dating and having fun. That was okay!

Lauren: So, what was the turnaround for you? 

Crystal: You know, I guess I should give me some background on Bill and I. So I had just had my heart absolutely broken by who I thought was the love of my life. Bill actually was an ex of a friend of mine and he was, you know, Joe Player at the time. 

So when he asked me out I did what any good friend does and I said, ÒYou know, do you mind if I go out with him? I really think he needs to be taught a lesson!Ó And the rest is history! 

We started dating and it just kind of moved into É into a serious relationship. He was with me through the loss of my grandmother. We just kind of clicked. I mean, we were from similar backgrounds, we had similar goals. It just kind of worked. 

It was comfortable, you know? And it was comfortable from the beginning, not É not always that big passionate thing that you normally have. You know, that was there, but it was always comfortable. You know, I wasn't worried about him seeing me without makeup or, you know, coming to the house if I wasn't feeling good, and he wanted to bring me something, you know. 

So we joke, you know, often that, you know, he's a very slow learner, because he hasn't learned after 38 years!

Lauren: So you had mentioned that you are from Morrisville but you are living, you know, 40 miles out of Pittsburgh. Where did you meet? 

Crystal: I met Bill at our place of work. We worked at a retirement center in a town called Zelienople. And he worked maintenance and I worked the switchboard. So we met actually at a keg party because that's always where you meet people! So that's where he decided apparently that he was going to ask me out.

I believe he approached one of the people that I worked with that I had struck up a friendship with. He actually is really shy! So I don't know, you know, he dated. Dated, went out with, whatever, a lot of people but he really is a really shy guy. Fortunately, you're not interviewing him because you would have nothing but silence and maybe a ÒUh huh.Ó

Lauren: So how did your relationship progress from that time?

Crystal:  Oh, God! You're really asking me to think! You know I only do loose plans right? I never plan anything. So I just kind of float along, you know?

We would go out riding around in his car, because that's what you did. You know, there were other parties that we went to. We would see each other at work and have lunch. I don't know when we turned the bend. You know, I don't know when it changed from me actually thinking he needed to be taught a lesson to my getting attached. It just kind of happened, you know, just kind of gradually went in there.

Lauren: When did you guys decide you were ready to be married?

Crystal: Well,we knew each other about six months so I think our wedding came together in approximately a month and a half. 

Lauren: Wow!

Crystal: We will say three and a half, four months that we were together. This is funny! We were on a beer run. Can you, are you getting the É we were in a beer run! And I was driving. And he just said to me in the car ÒDo you want to get married?Ó And I said, ÒOh yeah sure.Ó You know, I thought he was joking. And heÕs going ÒNo, really, I'm serious!Ó 

So my first engagement ring which I got on that beer run was a beer tab, which I still have somewhere in this house. I was going to try to find it for you, but É and I had that beer tab for about six years before I got my diamond.

Lauren: Wow!

Crystal: So, yes, that's, you know, it's É nothing's ever been É I donÕt want to say serious, but um, you know, our relationship has always had a lot of humor in it. As time went on itÕs had a lot of heartbreak too, but it always was fun. You know, we were just having fun. And maybe that wasn't the right time to really get married, but it's worked, you know, for this long so É

Lauren: When you when you did get engaged É with a beer tab É you know, were people surprised? Were people shocked? Or was everyone on board? How did everyone around you sort of react?

Crystal: Well, my parents and my dad especially, my dad absolutely loved Bill. There was nothing that Bill could ever do wrong. The only fault he ever found in him was that he needed a haircut because he had long hair. And when my dad passed away Bill got everything except the quad. He got all of his guns, all of his tools, his truck, everything. 

They really loved Bill. You know, they really did. They thought he was a great guy. My parents were children of the depression. And I remember my dad saying ÒYou'll never go hungry. He'll do whatever he has to in order to provide for you.Ó And his parents were very happy. His sisters were very happy. His brother really wasn't. We didn't get along, but we're very similar in personality so É

The people we worked with, on the other hand, were not happy É particularly any of the numerous ex-girlfriends. And of course I was pregnant and we had to get married! And so I was pregnant for a year and a half because Nikki was born a year and a half later. It was the longest pregnancy in history!

Lauren: So leading into such a whirlwind sort of situation, what went into the planning for that and also what did you have in mind -- if you even had anything in mind -- for what you wanted to wear that day?

Crystal: Well, I didn't plan my wedding. My sisters-in-law planned my wedding, which was fine. It was really small, which also was fine. I would have been happy to elope. But I guess in hindsight somewhere in the back of my mind, I didn't think that that was quite fair to my parents since I'm an only child.

So we just had a really small wedding at his church attended by family and some friends with some cake in the basement afterwards. Like it was probably straight out of more like the 40s or 50s as far as a wedding was concerned. 

I remember going to several bridal shops to find a dress. I knew I did not want white. Of course you know looking at this 38 years later, I'm not quite sure what I was thinking of when I got this dress! It was cream and it had a high neck that has netting that just had like some kind of flowers embroidered on it. But nothing sparkly. And then it had a jacket over it with mutton sleeves. I do remember wanting mutton sleeves, so those must have been like the thing at that time. Didn't want a veil, so I didn't have one. I just wore some flowers in my hair. 

It came off the clearance rack, which is where I always buy things. It was a practical decision to get that dress. I just É I didn't want to spend a lot of money. And I think a lot of that is É that's how I grew up. My parents didn't have, you know, so I was É that kind of was ingrained in me with them, you know? Do something good and lasting but try not to pay a whole lot of money for it. And this is a one day thing. So it was a beau É it's a beautiful dress. I liked it, but it wasn't anything I was gonna go crazy É and Bill wore a suit. He got a new suit to get married in!

Lauren: It sounds like a gorgeous dress. And I wonder if you, you know, put yourself into a frame of mind that you are who you are now, do you think you would choose the same dress now that you chose back then or do you think you would choose something different?

Crystal: Um, well I think I would choose something similar. I still think it would be something that color and that simple and probably with a jacket. It just probably wouldn't have mutton sleeves because those are kind of big! You know, but I think I would probably É with the whole the whole thing, with the practicality of it. You know, I would love to find it on clearance. That would be great, you know? I think I would be going down the same road, although maybe it wouldn't be that particular dress. Does that makes sense?

Lauren: Yeah, absolutely. I do wonder why a jacket? 

Crystal: Well, because now IÕm old and things don't look as nice! We got married in October. So in October, you really never know what it's gonna be like. And I think a week or two before our wedding it was like cold. You know, we were married October 29th. So I think like, a couple weeks prior to that it had been really cold. And the day we got married, it was hot. It was so hot that day!

So the jacket was convenient for, again, a practical decision. If it was warm in the church, if it was cold in the church, then I had something over my arms. I was comfortable in that once evening came because after our church reception then we went to É are you ready? You're gonna be so surprised! We went to this bar that we used to go to all the time and had a reception with our friends there. So it's É it's a É it was it was a problem at one time!

Lauren: What was what was your feeling in it that day, if you can recall? Were there any moments that really stick out to you specifically?

Crystal: Not particularly. I remember feeling very beautiful in that dress. You know, the rest É that day is such a blur! It truly is such a blur! And unfortunately we don't have a lot of pictures to look back on. The photographer didn't come through with the pictures. 

I remember being at the back of the church and walking down the aisle É getting ready to walk down the aisle with my dad. And you know how you sit bride on one side, groom on the other? And while I have a large family of cousins, most everybody was on BillÕs side. And I realized what was sad about that day was I realized how very alone I was here. 

Because I never wanted to come here. You know, I never wanted to move here. But when I was in kindergarten, I wanted to move here. You know, when I was little, I wanted to move here. My parents were from here and I always wanted to come here. We just never moved until after I graduated. And that was a really difficult time to go, you know, to make friends when you're young and 18. And, you know, I mean, it was very, very hard. We moved two days after my birthday, my 18th birthday in 1980. 

But that was, um É I don't know, that was sad, you know? It was just sad. Because you know, even my parentsÕ friends from Morrisville that I had grown up calling [my] aunt and uncle weren't there, you know? So there was some loneliness during that day.

Lauren: Understandably, I mean, if you could have done it a different way do you think you would have tried to do it in Morrisville? Or do you think it was the way it needed to be, despite the fact that it felt lonely?

Crystal: I think it was probably the way it needed to be. I had just turned 20 when we got married. Literally, like I was 20 for a month. And, you know, everybody at home, at my other home, were busy with our own lives you know? So, my Aunt Dee Dee and Uncle Andy had left Morrisville and went to Florida, and somebody else moved to Tennessee. So getting everybody in would have been difficult .... I think maybe, you know, looking back on it, maybe that's why I would have been just as happy to elope.

Lauren: I mean, it, it's clear that you still call it, despite living 40 miles outside of Pittsburgh, you still call Morrisville home. Do you feel like you have two homes?

Crystal: I do. I do. Yes, I want so badly to come home! It's all I've been talking about for I don't know how long! But with things the way that they are I just can't do that now. But I will! We'll see. When God opens that door, then I will call and say ÒHere I come!Ó

Lauren: I really love the fact that you're talking about these things that are really, they're difficult to think about. As someone who's planning her own wedding, that's the reason I've postponed my wedding is I want everyone that I can to be there that is important to me. I have friends that are international that if I were to have my wedding this year, they wouldn't be here because of COVID and because of all of that. So it really strikes me that of course it felt lonely that day for you, in a way for you.

So on that side of things, you know, that's the sad part. But when you think about the good parts what do you think were the shining moments of that day?

Crystal: Well, you know I got to marry the man that I loved and who was my best friend, and two of my best friends from high school came and shared that day with me. Even though the seating in the church was lopsided, those were our friends. And we've stayed friends with many of those people throughout the 38 years. 

As a matter of fact, the one couple were married on our first anniversary, which happened to be her parents É our anniversaries were all October 29th. So our first anniversary I was actually in her wedding. You know, and we've stayed friends all this time. 

You know, so I've made some very good friends here, you know, and I feel very blessed that I have. That particular couple, my children call them aunt and uncle. And I always told her, you know, if anything happened to us that she would get my kids. 

It's good here. ItÕs good here. I mean, I'm glad I'm here. I think I'm supposed to be here. I truly believe this is the man that God intended for me to marry. And this is the place that I am supposed to be, even though I didn't want to be here. He knew better.

Lauren: You have two cities, but you still have that one person that you really truly love. And I think that's a really beautiful thing.

Crystal: And he respects that I have two cities. My time at my other home, that's my time. And he has respected that and not encroached on that time. You know, so É and I appreciate that. There are just times I need to relax and be more of my old self, because nobody here really knows my old self. 

On the flip side, nobody there really knows myself today. Very few people. I'm not the same person I was at eighteen. You know, the building blocks are there, but I'm different. I think differently, certainly look differently.

Lauren: Because you have such a wide array of people in your life that sort of know you from certain times of life, I wonder if you've ever helped other friends or family or loved ones in any way to find wedding outfits? 

Crystal: Well, I went with Nikki, my daughter when she picked out her wedding dress and that was horrendous! She had in her mind what it was that she wanted and she put that dress on and she was absolutely crushed because she didn't like the dress on. It just É it didn't look made well. I said you know, ÒWe'll figure it out!Ó Well, it ended up being Marcy who found her dress. Marcy is Marcy Sutherland and she is my best friend.

And conversely, when we took Marcy's daughter Pam shopping, she literally tried on every dress in the same bridal shop that Nikki had been in several years before. And I kept trying to give her this dress. ÒPam, try this dress. Try this dress.Ó ÒNo!Ó and she's crying and she É and I said, ÒPut the damn dress on! Have you tried this dress?Ó And she said ÒNo.Ó 

And she put it on and it was like the angels were singing because it had pockets, you know? So I have been. I've been through that. I've seen the look on the person's face when they find THE dress. itÕs just amazing! It's just amazing!

Lauren: Do you think that you had that same experience when you found your dress?

Crystal: No, I think I did. I think it just, it was right. You know when I put it on É like I said this wasn't the only bridal shop but it was the last bridal shop that I went to, because when I put this dress on, it was like, ÒThis is it. It's comfortable, it looks good, I like how I look in it.Ó It really didn't need any alterations, it was perfect off the rack.

Lauren: Do you think that we change as people when we wear something that makes you feel good, or wear something that symbolizes ourselves in the sense, sort of in a roundabout way, if you put on like a beautiful dress that you actually feel like you look beautiful in, do you think that psychologically we change when we do that?

Crystal: I do. I do. I think that when you find what suits you, I think it has a drastic change on you, or can have.

Lauren: Are there adjectives that maybe you would use to describe your dress that also describe you as a person?

Crystal: Wait a minute. Let me look at the dress! Um, you know, I think simple. Practical. Understated. I don't like to put myself out there a lot. Like this is kind of a stretch! But um, I don't know, I think it's, it was É I don't want to say simple elegance because I don't think the dress is an elegant dress. Practical É I don't know, I don't know what word I'm looking for. Practical. Functional. Pretty functional. I donÕt know Lauren, that one's really a hard one! That one's tough.

Lauren: It's probably the toughest question that we ask. I think we ask that question a lot on our podcast, and it's usually the toughest one for people to answer. So I mean, maybe you look at this picture every day of you and your dress, or maybe you don't. So when you look at it now, when you looked at it today, or even when you found the picture, were there emotions that hit you when you saw it again?

Crystal: I think just the picture itself, you know? We were so young! We were just so young! Like I said I had turned 20 at the end of September and I got married at the end of October and Bill's birthday is a week after mine. So he had just turned 22. And you know if you came É like if my kids came to me at 20 and 22 and wanted to get married, IÕd tell them they were crazy!

I don't know! I look at this picture I see É I see two people who really had no real idea of how much work a marriage is, you know? It doesn't just happen. It's hard, hard work to make a marriage last, you know? 

And you both have to be working 110%. And there's no 50/50. You know, it's 100 plus for each of you. And every once in a while, somebody's got to pick up some slack for whatever reason. You know, bringing two different personalities together is really hard, you know? So I see a lot of hope and a lot of promise and a lot of cluelessness!

Lauren: Since you have said yourself, you never really had aspirations for marriage. That wasn't part of sort of the É the DNA of your thought process. But then you did, you know, within just a few months, decided to get married. 

I'm wondering what is your perspective on people spending so much time and energy and thought and work on a single day for a wedding in comparison to what a marriage is. 

Crystal: We were between pastors at the church that I was going to, so we went to meet with his pastor. And I remember, you know, sitting down with a pastor to do our counseling and he said, ÒWhy do you want to marry him?Ó 

ÒWell, cuz I love him.Ó

ÒWhy do you want to marry her?Ó

ÒWell, cuz I love her.Ó 

And then he said, ÒWho's gonna do the dishes?Ó

And I was like, I looked at Bill, ÒThis man is nuts!Ó You know, what kind of a question is that? You would expect ÒWhat church are you going to attend?Ó or something, but you know, ÒWho's going to do the dishes?Ó And it actually was the most important question that I was ever asked prior to us getting married because what he said was, ÒIt's the little things that break up a marriage, not the big ones.Ó 

And it's true. You know, it's the socks on the floor. It's the bra overtop of the, you know, shower pole. It's, you know, it's those things are what get to you and drive you crazy. 

You know, I think when it came to us getting married, I think actually that question was at the forefront of my mind more than anything else. Like, are we going to be able to make these little things work out? 

From there, we kind of just divided things up, and it's worked all these years, you know? If it's in the house it's mine, if it's out of the house itÕs his. Laundry, cleaning, that kind of stuff is mine. Checkbook, because he doesn't do that very well. And he does cars, and mows, and shovels, and, you know, he does all that stuff. And I don't climb ladders or anything like that. 

My advice to every couple would be you need to talk about who's going to do the dishes. You know, whose job is that going to be? Because if you wait for the other person to do it they're never gonna get done. And then you're going to fight. ÒWell, why didnÕt you do them?Ó 

You know, think about just the everyday drudgery of being married. Every day of your marriage is absolutely nothing like your wedding. That's just a fantasy playing out in real time. That's not real life.

You know, and if you can keep that in mind that this is, this is going to be a great party, cuz I can tell you both my kids, we had great parties! You know, I've always said if you can measure the success by the number of people who puked and had hangovers, my kids had the best receptions! You know? 

But that's not, that's not the reality of marriage. You know, marriage is work. It's career. My grandfather told my mom when she and my dad got married that marriage is like a team of horses. And so you have to imagine my parents, you know, are 40 years my senior. So at this point, they would be 98.

My parents built this house and when they dug the basement out and dynamited it out, because this sits on shale, they used a team of horses to drag all that stuff out. And he told my mom that ÒMarriage is like a team of horses. As long as you're both pulling in the same direction, you'll be successful.Ó You know, but if you have one that isn't pulling its weight, or one that decides I want to go over here and eat this grass, it's not gonna work. Because it's work; you're working as a team and you have to be heading in the same place. 

I mean, Bill, and I almost didn't get married É we got engaged and then I started, like, really thinking about it. Now, I'm kind of backtracking on you a little bit. I told you, like, marriage was really never in my cards, you know? I definitely did not want to have children. I knew that. I didn't. I was an only child. I was the baby of all of my parentsÕ friends, you know? Their kids were so much older than me. 

And I don't know, what the heck do you do with a baby? You know, they're like boring. You know? And Bill really wanted to have kids. We had to have a discussion about that, you know? I said, ÒYou know, I just don't really think I want to do that.Ó And I don't know that É maybe I'm not the person for you. 

Yeah, well, and then, you know, then, then I got pregnant, and we had Nikki and I would not know what to do without my children! You know, I love them dearly! But they were not in any way planned, or É and it really almost stopped because that was one of the goals that we were separate on. 

Lauren: Children donÕt come with a manual! As someone who doesnÕt have children, yup, that sounds like a bit scary thing! So what do you think one of the key ingredients is for a wedding or É even better yet a marriage, cuz those things are scary too.

Crystal: Um, I think humor is so very important to any relationship, but in particular a marriage. Bill and I when we when asked, you know, like, ÒWhy'd you get married?Ó You know, we always say, ÒWe don't have anything better to do that day!Ó So that of course is not true. Or maybe it is! I don't know, you'll have to guess! 

But, you know, we try to infuse a lot of humor in our marriage. And, you know, it's worked for this long, so hopefully it will continue to do so.