CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION
TITLE: Keep it Light
DURATION: 24:28

Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê

Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê

As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way.

In our Meant To Be Yours episode we interviewed Ashley about her wedding outfit. In this episode weÕll speak with her husband Kevin, who shares his thoughts on the psychology of choosing the perfect outfit.

Lauren: Today we have Kevin and Ashley. So welcome. Would you mind just introducing yourselves?

Kevin: I'm Kevin Murphy. I'm 28 years old and I grew up in Washington Heights, New York. And we live currently now in Yonkers, New York.

Ashley:  My name is Ashley Murphy. I'm 26 years old. I grew up kind of all over New York State, but now live in Yonkers, New York.

Lauren:  How did you meet? Kevin you can start and Ashley if you want to interrupt him at any time, just feel free.

Kevin: I was working at the gym for the summer. And I would always see her upstairs working out. And when I was working I'd go upstairs because I'd be working with some of the kids for basketball stuff. And IÕd see her and say hello and whatever and see how she was doing. 

And then I started noticing that I was going very much out of my way to say hi to her. I'd be like in the middle of a volleyball game, run upstairs and say hi, and IÕd come back down. She's like, ÒWhat are you doing?Ó 

We talked about this recently, how I'd be playing volleyball. And she's like, ÒOh, I should go downstairs and say hi to him.Ó And then I would be there doing something and IÕd be like ÒOh, I should go up say hi to her.Ó You know and like there was this whole moment between us and we just never talked about it because we were dating other people at that point. 

I ended up getting into a grad program so I wasn't able to work at the gym anymore. So I just never saw her again til like two years later.

It was Christmas break. My parents lived in Rockland County at the time. My dad's like, ÒOh, I signed up for the gym. Do you want to go?Ó and I was like, ÒYeah, I can still get in for free.Ó And I happened to see Ashley and I hit her with the best pickup line known to man. I was like, ÒHey, do you want to run a Spartan Race?Ó And she was like ÒNo.Ó  I was like ÒOh, Okay.Ó 

Ashley: I said yes to that, though. I did say yes.

Kevin: One of my friends set me up with someone two days after I met Ashley, after we started exchanging numbers. So they set me up and I was like, ÒNo, I don't really want to goÓ and they're like, ÒWell I already set you up. You have to goÓ. And it was a terrible experience because the entire time I'm with this person just walking around and I'm like ÒI don't really want to be here.Ó This isn't at all where I want to be right now. I was like, ÒOh, it was really nice. Thank you for like, walking around a park with me.Ó And we just like went separate ways and left. And then I was talking to Ashley and she denied me like five times I'd say.

Ashley:  It was three times.

Kevin: It was three. 

Ashley: Three times.

Kevin: She denied me at least seven times. She did not want to go out on a date with me. Now. She will probably blame it on ÒOh, I wasn't the type of guy she liked.Ó So handsome wasn't the look she was going for but I was kind of persistent about it. And I was like, ÒLook, let's just go get sushi. If you don't like it, you can leave. No big deal. Let's just do something to get together and if you don't like me, you don't like me.Ó And we went to a sushi place on our first date.

We spent that two-hour window just talking and didn't realize our food never came out. So we didn't realize it was like two hours. I think we started our date at like six and it was like eight o'clock, and I was like, ÒI'm really hungry.Ó And she was like, ÒYeah, me too.Ó And I was like, ÒDo you know where our food is?Ó And the guy was like, ÒOh, yeah, hold onÓ and brought out a whole tray of food for us. 

I feel like that really shows our terrible luck at going on dates. So she's a huge Broadway musical fan and I was like ÒOkay, this is my chance. I will take her to a Broadway show and we'll have a great experience and a great time.Ó 

And I think it was like our third date. I got us tickets to go see Sweeney Todd and on the way in the train broke. So we had to hop on a different train. And I grew up in the city so I was like ÒOkay, we'll go on this train, we'll take this bus, we'll be there like 20 minutes.Ó So I was like ÒCool, perfect.Ó 

On the way home it's like 10 o'clock. And we forgot that the train was broken so we had to walk 10 blocks to go on to a different line to go into Grand Central. And then the train we were on É the lights started to flicker on and off and it was like midnight at this point because it took us forever to get back.

So we're sitting there and the train stops at Yankee Stadium at 12 o'clock at night. And then it's two o'clock in the morning till the next train comes. And the train came at two o'clock and picked us up, brought us to Yonkers station. And then when we went to get my car out of the garage we left it in, the machine to get the gate to open broke. I was like, ÒThis is the worst date! If this girl never calls me I wouldn't even be surprised!Ó 

She was sleeping on the train, sleeping on the car, and all this stuff, and it took another hour for the guy to come fix the gate. And we had to drive all the way back to Rockland because I picked her up in Rockland County. ItÕs like 40 minutes. We drove all the way back over. I think she got home at four o'clock in the morning,

Ashley: Just about.

Kevin: I was like ÒSo this has been really fun. I'm so sorry. This is probably goodbye for good.Ó And she was just like ÒNo, no, no, I'll talk to you tomorrow.Ó There was some stroke of luck that must have happened along the way there because I don't know what I did. But we avoided trains for a little while.

Ashley:  Oh yes.

Lauren: When you think about the entire process of getting married what is the first thing, or the main thing that comes to mind for you?

Kevin: I'm a numbers person because I teach math. So how can we make a budget and how can we invite this number of people we're thinking of inviting? And how do we cater towards everyone that we want to be there? And how do we make everyone happy with it? And I think that was the big stress piece and then I hit like a point where I was like, I don't really care anymore about what anyone thinks and just kind of kept it moving.

Lauren: So do you think it was because you sort of just let go and said ÒYou know what, I'm not going to stress about it?Ó Or do you think there's a specific reason beyond that that you were able to be laid back about the whole process.

Kevin: Ashley and I have a pretty funny dynamic. If one of us is stressed in a situation, the other one tries to be calm. So when she started freaking out, I was like, ÒI don't get that chance to freak out.Ó And it made it more fun for me to sit there and just be like, ÒOkay, if there's a problem bring it to me, I'll deal with it.Ó Because it helped ease her stress, which I think at the end of the day was more important to me. 

Ashley: We had to make those decisions of what we can and can't do because of our budget and I didn't want to be like, ÒOh, I want this, but it's going to put us over the budget.Ó So I'm like, ÒAlright, figure out how to keep everything under the budget so that I don't put the extra stress on him.Ó

Kevin: The photographer was like, ÒOh, we have this additional packageÓ and I was like, ÒNo, that's fine.Ó And then she's like, ÒBut I really want a videoÓ and I was like, ÒNo, we can't afford a video.Ó

Lauren:  So beyond the compromises and the stress that come with a wedding, do you think that choosing your outfit was stressful?

Kevin:  So it wasn't stressful as much as it was knowing the colors and knowing what matches and knowing what things need to look like. I'm colorblind so I was like, ÒOh yeah, blueÕs great!Ó and they're like ÒWhat shade?Ó I was like, ÒI have no idea. They're all the same.Ó 

So that was the hard part for me but it really wasn't stressful. I think the only stressful part was managing to get five guys together at the same time to go suit shopping. But we kind of ended up trying to plan pranks instead, which didn't really work out in our favor.

Lauren:  Can you talk about that? I'm interested.

Kevin: Yeah, we were all wearing blue suits. So my best man is one of the people I've known for like seven years or eight years. We have a friend whoÕs a control freak and we found a suit online that was his measurements. And we were going to have it customized to him. The suit was blue but it had pineapples all over the entire suit, so that when they unveil it it was just like, ÒThat's not my suit!Ó and it's just a big pineapple suit.

We were there early, so we talked to the guy measuring the suit. And he was like, ÒI'm in, just let me know when this is ready, and I will unveil the pineapple suit for him.Ó We were ready to order it. And he's like the last-minute person. He's like, ÒOh, I'll get it at this date at this exact time.Ó But he didn't tell any of us. So we were trying to anticipate when this would happen. Unfortunately we didnÕt get it. It would have been fantastic because he would have freaked out and it would have been great to see.

Lauren:  Well I like the story, despite the fact that you didn't get to have the final outcome.

Kevin: It was like a hundred extra dollars just to prank him but É

Lauren: Worth it! So beyond the fantastic pineapple suit, can you describe the kind of suit you got? Obviously, you got blue.

Kevin: So I'm a teacher, my best man was a teacher at the time. My friend whoÕs the control freak works in a corporate office. So we all figured at least if we were to get something we can all get something that's custom and would fit us and we could wear day in and day out and not just a one and done sort of suit that you just return. So we went to the Men's Wearhouse. And Ashley and I went beforehand and we were like, ÒOh, we should pick out the colorÓ because like I said, I'm color blind. So she picked out the color scheme we wanted to stay around. 

There were five pallets basically of color choices. And what we did to make it different was I picked one and they all picked one off of it. Even though we all had the same blue we all had different shades of blue. And then they wrote different things on the inside of all their suits as well so everyone had their own custom writing that they wanted in there. So they got their own individual suit that they can now wear for any occasion that they wanted. 

Lauren:  Could you tell me what you had written in your suit?

Kevin: Mine was just my name.

Lauren: Just your name.

Kevin: It literally said ÒK MurphÓ because that was what everyone calls me. My best man was thinking of funny things for everyone. He's like, ÒNo, you just gotta go straight nickname. That's what we call you.Ó I think Ashley's brother, his name is James. So we put like ÒJ LipsÓ on the inside of his. And I think my other friend Conrad who was the super control freak, we'd put like his Twitter handle on it, and that's what we put on the inside of his. So those guys all did like their own custom stuff. So we just had fun with it that day.

Lauren: Do you think that it was almost like a camaraderie, which is very important between you and your groomsmen, do you think that speaks to you and where your mindset was going into the wedding process? Do you think what you wore really emphasized who you were to the people around you?

Kevin: Um, that's a good question. I guess yes it did to some degree. So I guess where my head is with that is I think the process of it like when we talk about the pranks we were trying to play, and messing around and all that stuff that we were doing and like having fun with it, I think that speaks to who I am more. 

And then when we got married, and I was like, ÒOh my God, those suits are so nice!Ó I'm glad everyone liked it but I felt more comfortable in it and I was happy with it. So I think that helped in the day itself. It's more important for me to feel comfortable than anything else. 

Lauren:  From what I remember of AshleyÕs side of this story, you didn't see what she was wearing prior to the wedding and ceremony. Did Ashley see you fully dressed before the actual ceremony?

Kevin: She did not. She saw the suit, because when they called me to pick it up, they had it open and she was with me so she saw the suit and she knew the shoes and stuff. But she didn't see me in it.

Lauren:  It's a very interestingly gendered question, seeing an outfit before the wedding and how that's such an ingrained tradition. And I'm curious as to why you both decided to follow that tradition. 

Kevin: I tried many times to catch her in the dress. Her phone was filled with pictures and she's like, ÒYou're not allowed to touch my phone.Ó I was like, ÒI never touch your phone.Ó And then I think it was three to four weeks out, they had it hung up in her mom's house. And we were there. And I was just like, ÒOh, is that the dress?Ó She's like, ÒYou're not allowed in the room.Ó I was like, ÒI'm not even doing anythingÓ. So I kept getting kicked out of situations. 

And I kept saying her, ÒLike, do you want me to put the suit on?Ó And she's like ÒNo, you're not allowed to.Ó I'm like, ÒAshley it's not that big of a deal.Ó I'm like, ÒWe're only two weeks away. It's only a two week differenceÓ.

Ashley:  I'm just laughing. The amount of times he's like, ÒOoh, let me see on your phone, on your computer the photos.Ó My maid of honor had to hide all my photos underneath other photos in our shared stuff so that he wouldn't see it.

But I know for me I didn't want to. It was just like I wanted that like little moment to just be a surprise for myself. I wanted it to be a surprise for him of what my dress was like. I think he saw the shoes but IÕm like ÒIt's shoes, it doesn't really matter.Ó 

Lauren:  Do you think it was such a big deal for you Ashley because it É not only the surprise, but like it enhances sort of like the É the build up for that moment?

Ashley:  Oh, 100%. I know right before I walked down the aisle and I saw him I was in tears. My uncle who walked me down the aisle who was saying, ÒAre you okay? Do you need a tissue? Do I have to go find you a tissue?Ó I'm like, ÒI'm okay. Just give me a second to just take it all in.Ó

Lauren:  So that was a special moment for you to see him for the first time in what he was wearing. And so Kevin, now that you didn't get to see her dress, even though you tried very hard to see it before the ceremony, do you wish É do you wish that you had caught a glimpse of it? Are you happy that you didn't?

Kevin: Oh, I'm 100% happy I didn't. I think it made the moment way more special. And I didn't really want to see it, but I know, it messes with her and like keeps her laughing at least so it like made it more fun for me to keep doing it. 

And it was É it was actually more fun because then we bet like just the groomsmen like who would be the first person to cry and everyone had their money on her brother. He looked, he we were all standing around like ÒHe's gonna be the first person.Ó And he looked at me like, ÒNo, you'll definitely be the first. The dress is great, you're gonna be the first one to cry.Ó And in the middle of her walking down the aisle, he is just bawling tears. And then he like came up to all of us he's like, ÒI lost.Ó

Lauren: It sounds like you guys just had fun, both of you through it. And that I think speaks to the dynamic that you both have, which is really awesome. When you were standing there waiting I'm curious ÒAÓ what was going through your mind emotionally, and then ÒBÓ do you think your mental state would have been different if you'd been wearing something else? 

Kevin: Definitely. I felt good in the suit. The shirt felt good. It all kind of worked out well. It's like that look good, feel good, sort of mentality, you know? No matter what the situation is I try to keep it super light regardless, and my best man is the same mentality so we just joked around the entire time. 

Ashley wasn't even there yet. And we were all just messing around. We were just talking and stuff like this is the fun that weddings are supposed to be. We just felt like it shouldn't be this rigid sort of system. And even though the church has that traditional way, we kind of wanted to make it our own way as well. So we did have a lot of fun. I would say the longest part was just kind of sitting in waiting to go to the next step from there.

Lauren: When you say it's the hardest part. Was it because you were nervous? 

Kevin: Very. Like sweating. It's funny, I was sitting there with all the groomsmen and my best man and stuff. And I was like, ÒIs anyone else like really warm?Ó And they're like, ÒNo.Ó And I was just like, ÒIt is crazy warm in this churchÓ and they're like, ÒNo, it's not. It's actually very comfortable.Ó And they were like, ÒYou're the only one getting married in this group right now so you know, it's warmer in here for you.Ó I was like, ÒI'm sweating through this suit right now.Ó

Lauren:  Why do you think you were nervous beyond the fact that you're getting married?

Kevin: Um, I don't really know. I feel like when it comes to that day itself, I didn't like feel anything during the morning. The morning kind of felt like this blur of the day. It was like myself and two of the; one being Ashley's brother. We like woke up, he met us and we got breakfast. We worked out. It was just like a typical day. I wasn't in this mindset like ÒHoly shit! I'm getting married!Ó I wasn't in that mindset yet. 

And it was funny because no one said anything about it either. It didn't feel real. And then when we started getting ready is when it started to feel like ÒThis is really happening right now.Ó And I think that's where my nervousness started to come into play. 

I knew from our second date that I was like ÒI'm gonna marry AshleyÓ so I wasn't nervous about that. ThatÕs fine with me. She's great. But I felt like it hit home. And it was like ÒThis is a real thing that's happening.Ó This day is actually coming to play. 

And my friends that were there were like, shocked I would say, that it was happening. My best man kept coming up to me every 15 minutes. HeÕd be like, ÒAll right. This is real now ladies and gents, we're doing this. It's happening.Ó And I'm like, ÒWhat are you the director?Ó And he's like, ÒIf I have to be I'll be the director. I don't care what this is today.Ó

So when AshleyÕs walking down he kept saying jokes. So we're like, ÒIf there's a picture of us standing there trying not to laugh as we're walking because he just tried to keep the whole day light and fun. And I think that's what helped with my nerves at that point. I think the nervousness came from ÒThis is legitimately happening right now.Ó And I was happy about it, you know?

Lauren:  Yes. That makes complete sense. And you said that you knew on the second date that you wanted to marry Ashley. I'm curious. Ashley, did you know on the second date?

Ashley:  No. I knew É I think it was Easter. So like a couple months into us dating we were at a restaurant with his family. And he was making faces at this little girl across the way and they were going back and forth making faces she was laughing hiding her face. I'm like, ÒYep, that's É that's the one right there.Ó

Kevin: In my defense, the little girl started it. I was just finishing it.

Lauren:  So, you said you started getting nervous as you started getting ready for the day itself. Do you think the act of putting your suit on was when that started or was there something else that really started that nervousness?

Kevin: I had the suit on already and I went to pick up her brother at her mom's house. And we we got in the car and we drove to the church and we like unpacked. And one of my friends who he was in the wedding party. He was like, ÒAre you ready?Ó and I was like, ÒFor what?Ó And like I just didn't process the moment yet. And he's like, ÒYou're getting married.Ó I'm like, ÒNo, no, I know that.Ó But I was like, ÒWhat?Ó do you like ÒWhat else am I should be ready for?Ó And then that's when he was just like ÒYou're being an idiotÓ and just walked away from me. And I was like, ÒOh, right, I'm sorry.Ó And it just kind all hit at that one moment.

Lauren:  To sort of piggyback onto that, when was the moment Ashley that you got nervous, if you did at all?

Ashley:  It was right after I got my makeup put on. That's when it all just was like ÒThis is really happening.Ó My nerves started to hit and I'm like, ÒAlrighty, let's do this.Ó

Lauren:  When did that dissipate? When did the nervousness go away? And what was the moment that that happened?

Ashley:  Um, I think the nervousness went away right after the ceremony finished. I'm not very good being in the front of everything. So us sitting in the front of the church, everybody's eyes are on us, I was nervous the whole time for everything. But once it all finished and we walked outside it was just like, I felt relieved and just relaxed. And I was like, ÒAlright, not nervous anymore.Ó

Kevin: I would agree. I think that was the hard part. I think that was where all the nerves were. Because I think after that, we're like, ÒOh, we're married. This is cool.Ó 

Ashley: Yeah. 

Kevin: I think that's what we even said in the car.

Lauren:  The bride is traditionally, you know, this focus point for a lot of people at least it seems to be that way. A lot of the time brides feel like they're on display for their family and friends and everyone? Did you also have that feeling of being on display? Could you talk a little bit about that if you did?

Kevin: Um, I don't really think so. I don't think I was on display in that situation. I feel like it was more like Ashley was the center of attention, which is what it should be. People did really say like, ÒOh, this suit looks great on youÓ and like all that stuff. So there was the attention going that way. But I think more people were focused on Ashley, which is the you know, the point of the day I guess.

I think people are so focused on like, when it's a wedding, it's like a girl's very important day. But like, I think we kept saying this is our wedding and let's just kind of have the most fun with it. 

Lauren:  I loved the prank story all the way to how you felt on that day with all of the nerves. I think it's a fantastic story from your perspective and it's sort of fun to have seen both sides of it so thank you for sharing.