CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION
TITLE: The Butterfly Effect Ð Crystal Wilson
DURATION: 28:22

Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê

Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê

As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way.

Lauren:  Today we have Crystal Wilson with us, she hails from Ontario, and IÕm so excited to have you Crystal! Could you just introduce yourself?

Crystal: Yeah, hi! Thanks for having me! My name is Crystal Wilson, like you just said. I am Canadian! I am a multiple entrepreneur, I'm a mom of two little girls, a wife É hence the attendance here, and again I'm super excited to get to talk with you about this story today!

Lauren: Speaking of that story, to start off could you maybe just tell me about how you found a dress?

Crystal: Yeah I found a dress entirely by accident. I was out on a Saturday shopping downtown with my mother and I was just a little bit É moderately pregnant. My now husband and I had been together for six years at that point but were not married. And so she's, you know, giving the mom nudge; maybe this should happen. And we happened across a bridal shop, like a local  small bridal shop that was going out of business, so that seemed like a good a good fun idea!

So we hopped in there and I found the most beautiful dress! I'd always wanted like a dress with the big bell sleeves that just felt so fancy and princessy! And so we went in there and I found a dress with these beautiful mesh bell sleeves with satin on the ends. And it was so pretty but it was size É it was size like 18 or 20 or something and I was not anywhere near a size 18 or 20. But in my mind I thought well you know if we decided that we were going to get married before the baby's born this is good! This dress has like built in room to grow! That'll be great!

But the issue was that we weren't even É we were not engaged; we had no plan to be married. So I went out of the shop and called Steve from the back parking lot of this shop and more or less was like ÒOkay so, if I bought a wedding dress do you think that there's a chance I would one day get to wear it?Ó And he's hilarious so his response was ÒI'm sure someday someone will decide to marry you! Like whatever É sure! Buy a dress!Ó 

And so I did! I bought this way too big for me dress and then tried for months to convince him that ÒWe should get married before the baby comes up because this dress is so big, it's great! There's room for her!Ó

It didnÕt happen.

Lauren: So you didn't get married before the baby came.

Crystal: Not before the baby came. But I was committed to this dress because they were closing out. It was a ridiculous deal! It was like a $1400 or $1600 dress and I got it for I think $300!

Lauren: Wow É

Crystal: Yeah, you can't pass that up! And so my now mother-in-law, she sews. She is not by any stretch of the imagination a seamstress or designer, anyone who I should have asked to do this! But I was like ÒHey this is this dress I bought and it's way too big and I'm less big than this and I need it to fit me.Ó 

And so she was totally game; she took it on. I don't even know how many hours she must have spent with this thing! And there was beading on it, it's all fitted in the top! It was not a simple project! And so she consistently told me like ÒThose are not my hands, those were God's hands sewing all those beads back on!Ó And she was so afraid she was gonna ruin it! But she did a great job and then my big dress turned into my perfect wedding dress and away we went!

Lauren: What an amazing mother-in-law! You don't always hear some nice stories of mothers-in-laws leading up to a wedding. So that sounds like you have a really good relationship with her. 

Crystal: Yeah sheÕs fantastic. She's one of the biggest and most reliable support systems that we have still to this day. She's fantastic!

Lauren: I have to ask, is there a reason that you waited for six years to get married?

Crystal: That's an excellent question. Yeah, we actually É we started dating when I was fifteen. So there was just like a very É you can't get married when you're fifteen! So we had been engaged prior to this time and then called it off because things change between when youÕre fifteen and nineteen! It was a high school sweetheart thing so that just adds a number of years to it right to begin with. 

Lauren: Yeah.

Crystal: I moved away for É I donÕt know, about a year before us kind of getting back together and then going down É down this road.

Lauren: You must have had so many milestones with your now husband. Usually you meet those people later in your life.

Crystal: Yeah, yeah, it's, um É it's É I think our relationship is hysterical. Because we're very, very opposite type of people, but with like, with the same set of values. And we think the same things are important. And we think kind of É like, we have the same sort of world view, but like, personality completely opposite. He's a math brain, I am not.

And, and that I think has helped us. We've been like, I've learned so much from him, and I don't think heÕd ever admit it, but I'm certain that he's learned some things from me. And I think that's helped us to create this É like there's just this really, really strong foundation. 

Like, you were saying that, you know we've É I had my sweet sixteen with him, prom, and I got my driver's license with him. And like every hurdle that I've gone through in my life he has been there. I don't even have a concept of how to É how to manage hard things without É without him there. So yeah, there's a really strong base that has kind of pushed things through.

Lauren: Sort of circling back to your dress, you did mention the bell sleeves. Could you tell me a little bit about why in particular bell sleeves appeal to you? 

Crystal: I don't know. They say something to me about like, the, like sophistication and stature of a person. And I've never been É I'm not a fancy person. We don't have a fancy life or expectations about life. But these like É these sleeves just make me feel royal and Renaissancy. And I think I thought about weddings as much as I think most young girls think about weddings. I didn't think I really had a vision for it. I made some assumptions that ended up coming true. 

I don't like to do things the traditional way, hence let's buy a wedding dress before we're even engaged! But the strange thing about our relationship is we actually met the first time when I was twelve. And I recall having like a deep knowing at that point that that is the person I was going to marry, which is ridiculous when you're twelve years old! But I just knew it. 

And so then when we connected later on I was like ÒOh okay, that's É that's good. I still like you!Ó And so I think somewhere in me there was that kind of assumption, always thinking about that É that like that'd be the person. But yeah, the details were not there, but the idea.

Lauren: And since you sort of lean towards the less traditional vibe of weddings did anyone see your dress beforehand? And what kind of traditions did you have for like, sort of the presentational portion of the evening? 

Crystal: Yeah, it was actually, like a really traditional presentation part of the evening. So no, he didn't see it. My mother had seen it. And like the girls I was getting ready with, and of course my poor mother-in-law, who probably has nightmares about it to this day! 

But no, he didn't. And it was, I think that was a fun thing to keep because like we lived together before we got married. So there's a lot of that, like, a lot of those things that, you know, we'd already done kind of the backwards way. So there were some things that we held on to. 

My dad walked me down the aisle. We walked out with our infant daughter, that was less traditional. And we did not É the one thing we shunned on purpose was the garter toss, because I hate that! 

We did try to have É we tried to throw in a few kind of weird and quirky elements during the ceremony but the pastor was a little judgy about it so we didn't end up doing it. But we wanted to play Sharp Dressed Man when the men all came into the room, but he didn't go for that. That was OK, it was alright!

Lauren: He wasn't a fan of ZZ Top! Well, I wonder for you walking down the aisle, having gone through this process of finding a dress before getting engaged, how did it feel finally wearing it that day after all these other things have happened in your life to finally walk down the aisle? 

Crystal: It felt so good! And like all of these like strange accidents, I guess, had kind of come together and pushed us into this day, which was is not how I was expecting to feel but I wasn't expecting to feel anything because we already had like the life together. But yeah, it felt É it felt really, really good. I felt great in the dress. 

True to form I forgot deodorant on that day. And I had to on the church lawn put my dad's deodorant on. So I was like, a super classy bride from beginning to end! But yeah, it just it É it really felt like I was a fancy grown up lady. And I think it kind of felt like [we were] playing house a little bit prior to that, like thinking back on it.

And I think there was also an added like, because we had met so young and we had actually, like, we had decided very early on when we were dating that we were going to be married. Like, it wasn't a question. And then É until it was, and then it wasn't again. But then there was so much like, doubt. I don't know if he perceived it, but I perceived a lot of doubt from our family and from friends if this was a good plan, that this was gonna work, and whatever. And it was also a bit of like, ÒI told you! This is good! We know what we're doing.Ó

So there's É there's a little bit of that like ÒHa!Ó to it as well!

Lauren: Pride! You feel prideful! Like you did it É like here's the proof!

Crystal: Um hmm!

Lauren: If anyone ever doubted, here it is!

Crystal: Yeah!

Lauren: If you had to choose a single word to describe your dress É

Crystal: Mm hmm.

Lauren: É what would it be?

Crystal: I think it would be regal.

Lauren: Okay. And why?

Crystal: Well, it was a very É it was a really heavy fabric, which to me feels very É I don't know, sophisticated and like high class and like, reminiscent of what you see floating around in like a Victorian era sort of movie É like that sort of thing. And the bell sleeve definitely feels queen-like.

Lauren: Mm hmm.

Crystal: Yeah, and it had like the buttons in the back, which also makes me think of royalty and how they are often put together in things that are just ridiculous to wear every day. But there they go doing it anyway!

Lauren: Did you know that bell sleeves É I know we talked about how important the bell sleeves were to you É but they're also called butterfly sleeves in some ways, which can É you've reacted to butterfly sleeves in a positive way, which I was gonna say because it's sort of signals to a transformation, but what É do you have something to say about butterflies?

Crystal: Yes, I do! I did not know that. But I have É you might make me have feelings; I don't love that! But I have a connection in my family to a monarch butterfly because when my grandfather passed, which was before I got married, one of my sisters was feeling like he was coming to her in the form of monarchs. And I had them in my bouquet at the wedding É and so that just extra specials it up É

Lauren: Oh, thatÕs so lovely! 

Crystal: É the whole thing! Thank you for sharing that!

Lauren: Of course. And it's É it's interesting because you É you sort of throughout this whole episode have been talking about floating and fluttery and it all sort of harkens back to that butterfly image. So I think that's absolutely lovely. I'm glad that I mentioned it.

Crystal: Yeah, thank you!

Lauren: So that day is like this sort of suspension of time where you get to have the fairy tale or whatever kind of story you want to create. 

Crystal: Yeah! We now have two children, so my youngest wasn't there. We just had the one. And so she at one point was really irritated that she wasn't in our wedding pictures. But my oldest, she's always seen herself in in those pictures, and she had this super cute little gold stretchy dress. 

But she came home from her friend's house the first time she went to like a school friend playdate and was just disgusted that her friend's parents had not invited her friend to their wedding. She wasn't in any of the pictures. And that was É that's funny! 

But she É she added so much to the ceremony too, because she like dropped her Cheerios in the middle! And then like, screamed and tried to get out of my sister's arms trying pick them up! So yeah, I'm really glad that she was able to be there and be part of it. I think that added so much to it!

Lauren: Speaking a little bit on outfits again, weddings in their insulated, isolated moment can feel like a transformation even if you're, you know, the next day is just reality. You do have this moment of É you know, here's something new, butterfly metamorphosis effect. 

Crystal: Mm hmm.

Lauren: So do you think there is a specific kind of magic that happens when someone puts clothing, specifically, on? Do you feel like you or anyone else go through a transformation when that happens for such a big day, like a wedding?

Crystal: Yeah, but I also think that that happens É like I think we can do that for ourselves any given day. So I think it's just kind of exponential on a day, like, you know, like a wedding or a really kind of milestone birthday or something like that. I definitely É like looking back at photos and things like that, I definitely felt like a different person in the dress. And it symbolized so much to me of like, actually making this commitment and being here and living this life and doing this thing. Like it was a really big deal! 

Like even though it was already what we were doing, like there was something about that, that came with the dress. And with like seeing him in his outfit, like the same thing. Like you don't just dress up like that for me every day. Like this is a special, special fun day. So yeah, I think that there's definitely something about that, that we can É that we experience on those big days but I think that we can also use kind of day in and day out if we choose to.

Lauren: I completely agree. And to be even more specific in that I would love to know if you in like a word or a phrase could define how you think you transformed that day. I know that's a hard question!

Crystal: Well one word is always hard for me! Um É how did I transform? I think that I really bought in if that makes any sense at all. Like I think that's really it was like, ÒOkay, this is the thing and we're doing it and now it's real. And here we go!Ó In a way that was completely, like levelled up from just the day before.

Lauren: Like full on commitment!

Crystal: Mm hmm. 

Lauren: That completely makes sense. Do you think that when dressing in a very particular way, whether for a wedding or for another event, do you think that that strengthens a bond between two people when they do that? And how do you think it does that?

Crystal: I do think it does. And I think it's because kind of É like visual perception is so important and it can change so much. And I think that especially when you're in a situation where like it's been a long-term relationship, and you live together all the time like that ÒOh, this is really different!Ó isn't something that happens very often. And so having that thing that we did together that made us both feel super fancy gives us a place to come back to in memory. 

But then you can also like on any other dress up occasions, like when we go to a wedding now, I always get just like a little extra fluttery because like ÒOoh, heÕs wearing on a suit!Ó and that's an ÒAww for the good days!Ó 

And you know I also enjoy getting dressed up for those because like the same memory remember I can do this, I can É I can be a fancy pretty lady! I don't always just wear sweatpants and a mom bun! 

And so I think like it brings back just É just a touch point of like ÒOh yeah, when we were so young and it was so fun!Ó and like ÒWe said we're doing this thing and look here we are still doing this thing!Ó 

Lauren: In a way you're saying it marks that occasion in time but it also harkens back to that when you see other people, or you see yourselves like that again. Even though it's not your wedding day you can look back and say remember when you were you know this and i were that and we did that thing in front of our family. It brings you back to those moments the same way you know smells can bring you back to a certain time and place i think clothing has that sort of element as well sometimes especially because you know our five senses stimulate so many different things in our brain so yeah.

Crystal: I just last weekend had this strange experience where with the clothing because when we first were dating he used to we wear white t-shirts and jeans all the time and it drove me crazy after a while É but it looked fine and he worked on cars. And this last weekend he was sitting in the driveway and he was working on his car and he was wearing a white t-shirt and I was like ÒOh my gosh!Ó I just remember like being absolutely head over heels infatuated with you and it was just like a like a total callback to that moment just based on like the shirt he was wearing and the specific activity he was doing while in that shirt which I thought was very amusing!

Lauren: Visual cues are so powerful! You're not thinking about how those trigger your emotions and thoughts until they do! Until you're like ÒOh, I'm experiencing this!Ó 

Going further into the future possibly thinking about if you and your husband wherever É or correct me if you have already done this É but if you haven't renewed your vows, do you think you would you know wear something different É

Crystal: I want to do that so bad! Yes! And our youngest wants us to do it so that she can be there for one! She was just petitioning for it recently and so I am working on that! But yes, I think that I would wear something special and I would expect him to do the same. 

And I think it would be a very different something special that I would wear because I'm an entirely different person than I was then and we're an entirely different couple and family than we were then. I might try to do something like integrate an aspect of that dress or the hairstyle I wore or something like that, but I think it would be very different.

Lauren: Slightly pivoting, I would love to know, you said at the top that you're you know entrepreneurial. So pivoting into that could you tell us a little bit about your work? And then piggybacking off of that how do you think your wardrobe affects or doesn't affect your work every day?

Crystal: Oh that's great question! I have É I spent a long time in traditional jobs, and it just didn't feel awesome. And once the kids came, it was like, well, we had the one. But once É when there was two of them, I was like, okay, does it really make sense for me to be out of your house all the time because I have a wonderful mother-in-law, and also a wonderful mother, we didn't have to pay for daycare. But just like the idea of do we need to give these people who've already raised their children, more children to raise? No, despite the fact that they would gladly take them.

So I totally by accident ended up Ð itÕs just how I do things -- I ended up joining with a person that I had met, who actually she had hired me for a job, I was in doing youth ministry, and she was going after we had known each other for a few years, she was going through the process of you know, figuring out how to go out on her own in a business. And we ended up talking a lot about, you know, what should business represent in an ethical, kind of triple bottom line business model. And so that is my first business project that I stepped into is with her. And we started a business-to-business services business. 

So that's a lot of businesses all in one sentence. But it is basically anything that people don't realize they were going to have to do, or they started doing, and they hate, once they've started their own company. We do that. So the marketing, the bookkeeping, and finance, project management, administration, all of those É all the bits that aren't what anybody actually gets into business to do. So that's that one. 

And I head up the marketing and the human resources and kind of a cultural piece for that business, which is super fun. And it's always different. And I get to work with really, really awesome people that are trying to make a difference, whether it's in a traditional sense or a non-traditional one. 

And then from there, once the pandemic started, and I had my kids home from school and I was trying to work from home, I was like, ÒWow, this is really hard!Ó And if I'm finding it hard, as someone who already worked from home, it's probably bananas crazy for people who are now trying to learn how to work from home and learn how to do it with their kids home, and maybe their spouses, they're trying to do the same thing. 

And so then I developed a new venture, which is geared to working moms and moms who own their own businesses. I'm working on a course right now for that same audience on kind of mindset for working moms and how do we not feel like crap at the end of every day? How can we not feel like we either failed at our job or failed at parenting at the end of everyday? Like, we can do that. But you got to pay attention to it. 

So that's kind of the direction I'm going with that. Because everybody feels like they suck all the time, all these working moms. And they should not! They're really doing a good job, but they can't see it. So how can I help to make them see it? Those are the two that I'm working on right now. Because why not have two businesses?

Lauren: Well, they sound like amazing businesses! So I mean, what a great idea for working moms! How do you think wardrobe sort of plays any role in these two businesses?

Crystal: Forgot that part, thank you! I think that wardrobe has the power to help us be the people that we need to be. So if we start the day feeling junky and crummy and we stay in our sweats and we don't put makeup on and we just leave our hair all however it lands, there's a good chance we're gonna continue feeling crummy and low energy for the rest of the day. But like, if you put on an outfit that you feel really good in, and you even just brush your hair, throw on some mascara, you can feel like a whole another person. 

So I think that the É especially with them both being kind of from home businesses, the temptation to just like stay and work in my pajamas, in bed, whatever, was very strong at the beginning of the pandemic, and I definitely struggled at the beginning. But I made a conscious decision to like to put on an outfit that I loved and to do my makeup, and to at least brush my hair every day. And it makes a huge, huge difference. 

And with the first business, which is called Flow Office Wisdom, I'm often kind of dealing with, with clients that are É they're older than me, they're men. They feel to me like they are more powerful, and they're smarter, and they're more equipped to be doing things. And so if I'm going into that sort of situation, and I don't go in dressed in a way that makes me feel like I am on equal ground and I am powerful and I am smart, I am not going to feel good at the end of that meeting. By no fault of that other person, but I'm not presenting myself the way that I want to with my clothing and that you know matters a lot. 

Lauren: Our listeners can't see but I always have my blazer on my chair for work because if I'm not feeling like smart enough that day, I just throw my blazer on!

Crystal: ItÕs magic. It's like a Superman cape!

Lauren: I've enjoyed this so much and before we go Is there a way we can find you or your businesses and how we can sort of keep in touch with Crystal Wilson?

Crystal: Yes! So I'm always here for more friends! And I am very active on Instagram. That's the main platform to find me on. And so for the administrative company, my work over there is @flowofficewisdom, and then my the working moms Instagram page or profile whatever they are, is @bizwomom, so B-I-Zed-W-O-M-O-M. I just took business woman and mom and shoved them together!