CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION
TITLE: Eagles, Parrots, Doves, & Owls
DURATION: 37:16

Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê

Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê

As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way.

Lauren: Merrick RosenbergÊis a communications expert, author, and the CEO ofÊTake Flight Learning.ÊTake Flight LearningÊcenters on four different personality types embodied in four birds: eagle, parrot, dove, and owl. When you understand how the four birds represent the traits of the four personality styles, you can use that knowledge to build better relationships and become a better communicator. Merrick, thank you so much for joining us today!

Merrick: Thank you for having me, Lauren. 

Lauren: To start us off, do you mind just sharing what each of those birds really sort of symbolizes? I think, clearly, some of them can bring up some images but if you can round them out for us a little bit.

Merrick: Absolutely. We'll make it nice and easy. If you think of someone who's the eagle, eagles are confident, they're direct, take charge, assertive. They know what they want, they tell you what they're thinking. 

Then we've got the doves. You can probably guess they have a very different energy. TheyÕre those universal symbols of love and hope and peace, and people who have that dove style are very compassionate and caring. They're good listeners, they're very patient, they just want everyone to be happy. 

Then we've got the owl. Owls are logical and analytical and details are important. If they're going to do something, they're going to do it right. 

And the last one is the parrot, and parrots are fun, they're social, they're outgoing, they're talkative, theyÕre charismatic -- just filled with energy.

Lauren: I think that's the beauty of the birds, itÕ so clear. Once you can understand that, it's you don't really forget about it. ItÕs there in your mind.

Merrick: It's intuitive. You don't have to memorize that an eagle is confident and direct, you just know that. You know, once you know the styles, you're able to use them. ThatÕs why they're out there so that people can apply them in their lives.

Lauren: Absolutely. And thank you for letting me take the test. I was sort of surprised by what I got, which was sort of interesting. My public style was mostly an eagle but in my private life I was mostly a parrot and I was actually sort of shocked by that. 

Merrick: Think about how that eagle and parrot combines. They're both very fast paced. They want to have a lot of fun. They're pretty outgoing, pretty energetic. If they're in a group, they're probably someone who's going to talk. They're not going to wait for things to happen, they tend to make things happen. Does that resonate with you?

Lauren: Yes, it does. As a child, especially as a child I was like making friends at the grocery store [with] like strangers and introducing myself and being like, ÒHi, what's your name? I'm five and I want to be your best friend!Ó But I think the world has sort of chiseled me down a bit. So, but yes!

Merrick: What's funny is, is that our style, we can see it even when we're little. We can see it when we're kids. Sometimes the world impacts who we are but that hardwiring is still in there. That parrot in you is still a part of who you are, I would imagine.

Lauren: So sort of relating that to what we choose as people when we're going to get married, what do you think each style or each bird would care about while looking for a wedding outfit? 

Merrick: Well, what's interesting is, if you think about our style, it does play out in everything that we do. So you picture parrots. Parrots love attention. They like something that's new and bold and exciting and different. The parrot is that one who's going to say, ÒI want people to look at me and say, ÔOh, my God, that is amazing!ÕÓ

Whereas if you picture more of the dove style, doves are more subdued. It's almost it's hard for them to be the center of attention, the fact that everyone is going to be looking at them, may actually make them uncomfortable. So they may go with something that is just much more traditional. Maybe not as fancy as something like a parrot would wear. 

When you think of like an owl, they're very logical. They're literally saying to themselves, ÒAlright, when I go to the restroom, how is this dress going to function?Ó It's not just about what it looks like. Functionality is key to the owl!

Eagles, quick decision makers, they go in, they try on a dress they go, ÒI like it. Done!Ó And they're out. So they're probably not going to spend a tremendous amount of time. No. ÒIt's a dress, I bought a dress, I have a dress!Ó It's not something that's gonna take a long time and big conversation around it.

Lauren: That's really interesting because as someone who has purchased an outfit, I did not think about what I was going to have to do in the restroom. Like, I just É

Merrick: DidnÕt even come to mind, right? 

Lauren: No, not at all! Wasn't even something É I didn't even É can I dance in it?  I don't care. It's, it had to be like, beautiful and fun and exciting. So I É it's really fascinating!

Merrick: Yeah, you get the bold from the eagle and exciting from the parrot. Functionality? Yeah, we'll figure that out later!

Lauren: And it's interesting because I think a lot of people who are purchasing an outfit for themselves have a certain mindset going in based probably very strongly on their style or their bird relation. But a lot of the times there are people who are influencing them as well when they're picking out an outfit. 

So let's say for example, a mother and a daughter going dress shopping. How do you think that sort of dynamic can shift when you have multiple kinds of people around?

Merrick: Well, picture the eagle mom. [She] watches their daughter try on the dress and doesn't like it. Within one second, ÒTake it off!Ó Like ÒIt's done. That's a no!Ó You barely even looked at yourself yet!

Where the dove may not like it, but they find a very nice way to say it, ÒYou know, I like it. But maybe you should try some other things on.Ó They're not necessarily going to tell you ÒYou don't look good in that!Ó That would be very offensive. A dove would never say that! 

The owl might say ÒOkay, you know, on a scale of one to ten IÕd rate it a seven. I think there may be some others that you might want to look at. Let's get a whole bunch. We'll try them on and then we'll evaluate them based upon what we see here and see what you've got.Ó 

Whereas the parrot É try on something that the parrot likes, and it's like, ÒOh my God, that is it! You É that É Oh my God, that's the one!Ó They probably just are bursting with energy! 

And the same thing too. They're pretty honest in the sense that they're, they want you to look spectacular so if they don't like it, they may have that exact same energy. ÒOh, no, no, that is not you! Not you at all. Take it off! Take it off! Go! Go get something else!Ó 

Where you can hear the just the energy that they have when they talk about it and how they talk to you, how direct they are. It just É our style just comes through!

Lauren: That rings true for me as a sneak peek into an eventual episode for this podcast where I talk about my experience because I haven't done that yet. 


But specifically, my mom is É I don't need her to take a test. She's not taken this test, but I know for a fact she's a dove. She's a very like emotional, very sweet, very kind person. ThatÕs always shown for her. And exactly what you said what a dove would say when someone's trying on an outfit. That's exactly what she said. For every dress I tried on it was you ÒLook so beautiful!Ó Or ÒMaybe, maybe you try on another one and we'll come back to that one.Ó

Merrick: They don't like to say no, they don't want to be negative. And they'll find a way to say that they don't like it without actually saying that they don't like it because they don't want to hurt your feelings. That is the primary goal of a dove is to honor who you are and not hurt your feelings.

Lauren: Let's say you have a daughter and a mother who are both parrots, or they're both eagles. Does that present issues? And is there a way to sort of balance that relationship?

Merrick: What's interesting is, sometimes when people share that same style, they just get each other. So in other words, you may have an eagle who's very direct, and they say, ÒI don't like it.Ó And the eagle who's trying on the dress says, ÒOkay.Ó Takes it off. ÒThat's it. I'm not offended! You don't like it. I appreciate it, you're saving me time.Ó 

So sometimes, if you have that eagle and the dove, the eagle might offend the dove because the dove would have said it softly and they want it said to them in a soft and more compassionate way. So sometimes you might see two eagles talking to each other and you think they're fighting. And they're like ÒFighting? We're not fighting. What are you talking about? We're gonna go out for lunch after this!Ó 

So sometimes if theyÕre similar it's not an issue at all. I mean, even two parrots, like, can you imagine, you walk out in the with the dress that is THE ONE and the mother who's the parrot and the daughter who's the parrot see it. And in that moment, it's probably like an explosion of joy of feathers flying everywhere of excitement! Because they're just they, you know, they feel it so deeply. 

I could see like, two owls kind of analyzing it. ÒWhat do you think of the beading here? How about the neckline? How about the shoulder? Is this too much? Is this too low? Is this too high? Do you think this needs to be more puffy? Do you think ÉÓ 

Like I could see them just dissecting it! It might take them a long time, for two owls to finally make the decision, whereas parrots might just make the decision pretty instantly!

Lauren: Yeah! I wonder how that then translates further into the wedding and the marriage situation where you have the ceremony and the reception. How do you think that those different personality styles get displayed at a later time as well?

Merrick: Yeah, I think that, you know, I think there's this stereotype that if we were to ask people, I think they might say that guys are less connected to the details of a wedding. And actually, you know, I have a friend of mine, he's an owl. And his now wife is the parrot and he like, planned everything. Like it was, it was É you know, he had spreadsheets and charts and diagrams. I mean, it was it was like he was orchestrating something. And she's like, ÒAh, it works out. It always works out. Well, I'm not gonna worry about it. He's got it!Ó

And so sometimes it's actually style that we're really looking at here. And, and so even in the wedding itself, you can see so many aspects. That maybe, you know, the band might be really important to the parrot, you know, how fun it's going to be. Whereas, you know, picking out the exact right food maybe more important to the owl. My guess is the eagle picks the location, the facility pretty quickly. They walk in, ÒDone. Looks good!Ó But you only saw the place where the cocktail hour is! ÒI like it! Done.Ó ItÕs like they solve it quickly. 

Doves are probably very concerned with the very fine details, which may sound like the owl. But for the dove, it's more that they're very concerned that everyone's going to be happy. Where are people sitting? I want to make sure everybody's dietary needs are taken into consideration. Where people are traveling from? We have to think of all these things. Where can they stay? And it's not about the logic and the data. It's more about ÒI just want to, want to make it easy for everybody. I want everyone to be okay and taken care of.Ó So in just so many aspects of a wedding, we just see our style play out.

Lauren: I would love to know a little bit if you're willing to share about your experience getting married, your outfit, and perhaps how that was influenced by your personality style.

Merrick: So I'm the parrot. My main style is a parrot. My secondary style is an eagle, but I'm very much of a parrot. My wife is the owl. So she's very logical, very analytical. I mean, just everything about our wedding was just very, very organized.

And she learned how to calligraphize the envelope. So she learned calligraphy and she would sit there for hours and just do A, A, A, A, till she mastered the A. And then it would go to B because she just wanted to be a part of every aspect of it. 

So what did I wear? I just needed to make sure that it looked good with what she was wearing. As a parrot, I was not honestly very concerned about it. I just was like, ÒWould this make you happy? Are you good? I'm good. Works for me.Ó You know, I was É I was much more concerned that she was happy because she had so many specific needs and desires as both the owl and the dove that I knew I just needed to make sure she was good.

Lauren: It sounds like easy breezy as well. Not just excited and happy to be there but also willing to be like more adaptable, would you say? 

Merrick: Yeah parrots go with the flow. For the parrot, it just all works out. They go with whatever's happening. They just want everyone to be having a good time, everybody to have fun. And yeah, I think that's exactly right. They just will go with whatever is. If it makes everybody else happy, we're good. Let's do it!

Lauren: So speaking of that specific style, and clearly you picked something out that was in step with your wife, could you tell us what you actually did wear?

Merrick: Yeah, it was very, very straightforward. The classic traditional black tux, black bow tie. It was nothing unusual, which is for me, actually, you know, kind of É kind of interesting, because I think my natural style would be to be like, fun. And even now, in my career as a keynote speaker, you're on stage. Hey, let's face it. As a parrot, they like the spotlight. They like to be the center of attention. 

But I think I was very keenly aware to just wear something that is very traditional as a tux because I did not want to be the star of the show in that day. Even though I know it is both of us. But it was so important and meaningful to her that I wanted her to just feel like this is her day. I purposely didn't pick something that was too out there was actually very, very traditional.

Lauren: Sounds like you had a formal wedding because you were a tux. Do you think that different styles of people choose different forms of weddings? I mean, do you think that that relates back to their personality as well, their style?

Merrick: Absolutely. I have friends who É they're both parrots and I was the best man and we were on a beach. We had like khakis and a button-down shirt. We were on the beach and then people were dancing, and it's in the sand, and people took their shoes off. And it was just very casual and very light and very personable. And I felt like it was such a reflection of who they are. 

And I do remember thinking to myself, ÒWow, my wife who is the owl, who had a very particular image in her mind of what that day would be, this would not fly.Ó This would never have been a wedding that she would have selected. But it was so fun and it was such a reflection of their personalities. That parrot É you know, you picture that kind of Margaritaville, you know, everybody's just dancing and singing and having a good time on the beach. And that's exactly what it was like.

Lauren: I totally see that. And as someone who has many parrots in her life, I can understand that! As someone who is an eagle after taking this this test, what kind of style, I'm curious, do you typically relate to an eagle for a wedding?

Merrick: You know, I think that the eagle would probably have just a very like, ÒThis is the wedding.Ó They're probably not over the top. I think they would walk in and say, ÒThis is a hall, it looks good.Ó You know, ÒWe'll get a band or weÕll have a DJ, they'll be fine.Ó I'm not sure they're thinking through the style of what it is as much as they, they have everything you're supposed to do. They delegate the responsibility to the emcee, who's gonna, you know, do the garter and the flowers. ÒThey got it. I don't have to worry about that.Ó The best manÕll make a speech and it'll all be fine. I think it's kind of just very standard, like, here's what you do at a wedding.

Lauren: And do you think that the É the doves would tend towards a more, as you said, traditional wedding gown? When I talked about the outfits, do you think it would be the same for the actual event itself, a more traditional style?

Merrick: I do, but I think there would also be a lot of very personal touches. Maybe there's like a gift that is given away that is just has a very personal meaning at each table. There's like maybe a little handwritten note rolled into a scroll that that took a long time to do but each one of them has meaning. 

ThereÕs probably some very personal things, that are not just the standard something you buy at a store that everybody does. It has a lot of meaning to them. Maybe even like, what they're wearing, and maybe the you know, just the way they É they É maybe there's traditions that they're following from their grandparents, but it's probably very meaningful to them.

Lauren: Do you ever encounter someone who's sort of a balance of all of these different types?
Is that something that either is natural or not natural? Or something you have to develop? Or do you always see a good discrepancy or a good distance between the types? 

Merrick: It's rare to see someone who can do all four equally well. Most of us have one or two styles that are just our core style that we display in everything we do. But I can give you an example. Somebody like Oprah. You can see that eagle style in the businesses she owns, her parrot style in that charisma on stage, on her show. The dove, very compassionate and caring and empathetic and, you know, all the philanthropy. And the owl, just the way she manages her business is very meticulous and very detail oriented. And look, when you display all four styles, you have that broad appeal. You can connect with anyone.

I think for her, it's probably very innate. I think for most of us, we have to learn that. But the beauty of that is we can learn it. And the more that we learn how to deal with all four styles, the easier it is to get along with anybody. If you have that eagle moment where you're talking to an eagle and you need to be direct, if you can dial it up and be assertive, you are more likely to get your needs met. If you have that you in that moment when you're interacting with a dove and you can be compassionate and soften your words. 

Maybe you have an eagle and a dove and the dove took weeks to write their vows. And the eagleÕs like ÒDone!Ó I did it in an hour!Ó Yeah, you might want to think about them a little longer. And maybe even warm them up a little soften it a little bit. Because that doveÕs going to be really thinking about every word that you said. And so if they have flexibility, that eagle might know ÒYeah, I need to É I need to really make sure that this exudes compassion and caring.Ó 

You know, if you're communicating to a parrot, youÕve got to dial up the charisma and the energy and enthusiasm. If you're talking to the owl, you want to provide them with details. So when we when we learn the four styles you learn how to connect with everybody that you meet.

Lauren: When I took the test, it clearly gave me a difference between my public self and what I'm sort of presenting to the world. And then there's the private self, the things that I do by myself or with people that I care about that I'm close to. Could you go into detail of how those relate and what the real difference is?

Merrick: Some people are very consistent in terms of how they display their behaviors and their personality in public and who they are their core self. Other people, maybe they're very outgoing with their family. I think of my mother-in-law whoÕs a dove was É just very talkative and social and outgoing when the whole family was there. But then if you would see her when there's a whole group of people she didn't know, she would be very reserved and very quiet. 

And so sometimes we act differently in public than we do in private. In the workplace that happens because sometimes what happens is the job requires a different set of skills or behaviors, or the culture we live in requires a different set of behaviors. 

But I always think of dating. I think, you know, what happens on that first date. It's like, my public self, my self that I project to the world meets your public self. So I think I'm marrying that public self version of you, but what I'm really marrying is the private self version of you who I haven't quite met yet. 

And so sometimes people haven't known each other very long and they move in together and they're like, ÒWho is this person?Ó Yeah, Ôcause you only met the public self what they share with the world. Now you're seeing that core personality come out and maybe it's different and maybe it's a little surprising.

Lauren: I very much put on a different face for work.

Merrick: Eagles, which is your core style, tend to marry doves. Parrots tend to marry owls. We hear that expression, opposites attract. It's not just slightly true, it's overwhelmingly true. I saw a study that said 86% of people are attracted to that personality opposite. And that means eagles and doves tend to get married, and parents and owls happened to get married. I said happened to get married, not happily married. That youÕve got to work out! That'll take more than a podcast to teach them. But it is absolutely true. 

And I had this funny moment. Last year, I was writing an article about how opposites attract. And I decided, I wonder if it would be fun to pull up some TV couples from history. And so I started pulling up like the É I pulled up the top twenty classic television couples. Every single one of them was either an eagle/dove couple, or a parrot and owl couple. Every one. Twenty for twenty. It was absolutely fascinating. 

And I think it's because we complement each other. It's like we say theyÕre our other half they complete me. If you had to have the same style, which doesn't, that does work too. But if you had two parrots, they're like competing for airtime. If you have two owls, it would take forever to buy a house, they would never make the decision. You need the parrot to say ÒWe're getting it!Ó 

So it's very interesting to see how opposites, which in my book The Chameleon I talk about them as, as complements. I think that we complement each other. And we really understand each other because they add something new to the equation.

Lauren: Yeah, sort of like puzzle pieces fitting together in a sense. And I would love to know an example É I mean, I could think of a few couples from É a famous couple from TV, but could you name one for me?

Merrick: Sure, sure! I mean, even just in the cartoon world, you could think of like Homer Simpson and Marge right? HeÕs like more of an eagle, she is more of a dove. You know, I mean, like, it's like that kind of energy is just so fun to watch.  

I mean, if you watch like Big Bang Theory. You know, you watch like, Penny had more of that parrot style, where you see Leonard had kind of that dove and owl style. You know heÕs very engineer, very logical, very analytical. And it's fun to watch because they're just so different.  And we just see it just over and over how those opposite styles are so different. And that's what makes É it makes it fun on TV to watch and it makes it fun in the real world too.

I mean, even going back into history, like in All in the Family. You go back to those original TV couples, you know, they had that style to it, that eagle and the dove. So we do pay attention to it, you'll just start noticing it in every show. It's fun to watch.

Lauren: I also wonder what happens when the opposites don't come together? What happens when an owl maybe marries a dove?

Merrick: Opposites attract, but the thing is that when times are easy, opposites attract. When times are stressful, opposites repel. They kind of bang into each other. And when we have people who are maybe a little different, like an owl/dove or a parrot and an eagle getting together, there's a little bit more similarity that they share. 

Like the eagle and parrot are both fast paced and spontaneous. The dove and the owl are more even steady paced and reserved. So sometimes they even understand they have kind of like the running start to understanding each other. If one is more quiet and shy, and the other one's more quiet and shy, doves and owls tend to both be more reserved. They both get each other right from the start so it almost makes it a little easier in the beginning because they, they are not so different. But really any two styles can get along very well. 

I've had great friends who are both eagles. And you know, you go over their house, and sometimes you hear them and you're like, ÒWow!Ó It seems like they're fighting. They're like fighting? What are you talking about? They just, they talk loud. It's for them, it's just their direct their right to the point there. They don't they don't offend each other at all. 

Now, sometimes if you're with them, you're like, wow, that was rough. And they're like, What are you talking about? And so, you know, if we have the same style, we understand each other?

Lauren: My fiance is also I think an eagle in public. I think he's very much an eagle and É and him and I both do that. even my family. My mother has come to me and been like, ÒAre you guys okay?Ó WeÕre like ÒYeah, we're fine. We're just having a conversation.Ó She's like, ÒIt sounds like you're fighting!Ó

Merrick: Right? The dove watching the É the dove watching the two Eagles together, it's like, ÒWhat is happening?Ó And they're like, ÒWhat are you talking about?Ó But from the dove perspective, it's like, ÒI would never do that!Ó 

I had this moment where I was watching a couple and they were they were sitting in an airport. And this was the moment I tuned into their interaction. And you can probably even guess their styles. He turns to her and he looks at her and he goes, ÒI do not understand how a fact isn't a fact.Ó And she turns to him. And she's like, she's like, ÒWell, it's the way you said the fact. It's the way you said it to me. That's what matters.Ó And he's like, ÒYou can say a fact however you want to say a fact. It doesn't matter. It doesn't change the fact.Ó And she's like, ÒOh, yes, it does.Ó

And sso you can guess he's probably the owl and Eagle very direct and very logical. And she's the dove. And now he's been a little too blunt and direct and now he's offended her. And now what's happening is now they are no longer arguing about what they're arguing about. Now they're arguing about how they're arguing. 

So sometimes when people are very different, the conversation transcends the issue. And in a sense, they're just É they're speaking different languages, because their style is different and they just don't understand each other. And if they knew which bird style they were, and they understood how their partner communicates, a lot of that drama and that push and pull goes away and communicationÕs a lot easier.

Lauren: I mean this could help you in your personal life, your work life, but really in your marriage to be able to really communicate. 

Merrick: The key here is really being what I call the chameleon. And a chameleon is flexible and adaptable. They don't just impose their own style on others, but rather they look at the other person and they flex and they connect. 

There's a great George Carlin quote, he said, ÒEveryone driving slower than me is an idiot. Everyone driving faster than me is a maniac.Ó Because we think our way is the right way. Not just a way, it is THE way. And so what we do is we impose our style on others. And if we're the chameleon, we're adapting and we're flexible to their needs. We're meeting in the middle. 

The owl might say ÒThis is how you load a dishwasher. There is a very specific, concrete way.Ó And the parrotÕs like ÒYou put the dishes in. It washes them!Ó 

When we understand each other, the drama goes away. When we have kids, we often impose our personality on our children. We expect them to do what we did, we expect them to be like us. But that really, whether it's a spouse, or a child, or a co-worker, it sends a bad message. And when you're trying to turn someone into you, it's like saying ÒWho you are is not okay.Ó That, you know, ÒYou need to be more like me. If you were like me, I'd love you. You're not like me and so therefore I'm going to turn you into me so that I find you acceptable.Ó 

And so the key is really being the chameleon and understanding your partner so you can flex and adapt to them.

Lauren: To create a harmony! You know, all the birds have to live together!

Merrick: Absolutely. And when you do create that space, where you honor each other, it's like each person can be that highest version of themselves. And it's like, ÒLook, you married that person because of who they are but now you're trying to turn them into you. Good luck with that! That's not gonna really work.Ó 

So let's honor who they are and let them be the best version of who they are. It's why you married them in the first place. Stop trying to change them to be more like you.

Lauren: Do you think any of the four (replace with some) types are more facile with being the chameleon? Or do you think they all have their own difficulties?

Merrick: Yeah, I think anybody can be the chameleon. It's just as hard for the dove to stand in their power and be direct and assertive as it is for the eagles to soften their words and speak in a very soft and compassionate tone. It's just as hard for an owl to dial up that energy and enthusiasm and excitement as it is for the parrot to dial it down and be more specific and detailed and provide specifics. 

So if you were to take a profile and look at your graph, whatever is the lowest point on that graph is probably the one where you have the hardest time flexing to that style. Because it's just not as natural for you. It doesn't mean you can't do it. In fact, you might do it very well but it's probably more exhausting and it probably takes a lot of energy.

Lauren: Owl was at the bottom of my list, my graph. And I sat there and I looked at it and I went, ÒBut I'm great at spreadsheets! I'm great at being organized! I'm very good at all of these things.Ó And I like got a little offended. But it when you put it that way, I'm very good at those things but it is exhausting,

Merrick: Right? 

Lauren: But it's not fun. 

Merrick: Right. You can do it, but then at the end of the day, if you had to be looking at spreadsheets and data and statistics all day, maybe you do it phenomenally well. But at the end of the day, you're like, ÒWhew, that is it for me!Ó And what it shows us is when you're working in your style, it feeds you. And when you're working out of your style, it drains you. 

And what happens is we tend to create an environment around us that feeds our own style. But what does that do to our spouse? In other words, if I'm constantly like, ÒDon't worry about it, let it go. It'll all work out.Õ And my wife's like, ÒBut wait. You know, you have to balance the checkbook!Ó 

When we got married, my wife looked at me and she said, ÒSo where's your checkbook?Ó And I handed it to her and she said, ÒNo, no, no.  Not the checks, you know, the register. Where you write it all down.Ó And I looked at her and I tapped my head. I'm like, ÒGot it right here!Ó And she's like, ÒOh, that's funny. Seriously, where is it?Ó And I'm like, ÒSeriously, that's where it is. It's in my head.Ó 

And she looks at me with just, absolutely É she's incredulous. And she looks at me. She says, ÒYou do realize the banks make mistakes. I mean, they do make mistakes!Ó And I looked at her and I É and with my parrot mindset, which I didn't know the birds at that point, but it was my, my mentality, my parrot mentality I looked at her and I said ÒI get it. I understand. And in the course of my life, don't make mistakes against me. They'll make mistakes for me. In the end it'll all even out and I won't have any stress!Ó Well, I haven't written a check this year is our 30th, will be our 30th anniversary. Haven't written a check in 30 years! Very happy about that. We capitalize on our strengths. 

First car we got, she sat down. This is the first brand new car that she's ever bought. This is years ago. And she's very excited about it. She did tons of research!  We sit down at the desk with the salesperson, he tells us the price and I bargain with him. And he says, ÒAlright. Let me go talk to the managerÓ and he wanders off. 

And she looks at me and she points to a picture on his desk, a framed photograph. And she says ÒHe has young kids. Don't beat him up on price. He has to make a living too.Ó And IÕm like, ÒOkay, we don't know if those are his kids. Maybe those kids came with the frame, we don't have any idea! Don't talk! Do not speak.Ó

And the last car we bought, she didn't even go with me. She knew exactly what she wanted. She's like, ÒI just hate it. Here's what I want. This is the color. This is the style, these are the features.Ó And I went and I bought it for her and as an owl/dove, she was like, ÒI love that. I got exactly what I wanted. I didn't have to deal with that part of it.Ó 

Because we complement each other instead of judging each other. She doesn't judge me because I don't like to handle a checkbook. I don't judge her because she doesn't like to haggle for a car. 

We tap into each other's strengths. We do the things that we are good at and truly compliment each other. And imagine that in a relationship because when we judge each other, that's where conflict happens. But when we accept each other, that's where it's É you know, that relationship really blossoms.

Lauren: You mentioned very briefly that you didn't know the birds at a point in your marriage. Do you think there was a definite timeline of like before the birds and after the birds?

Merrick: Oh, without a doubt! Not just between us but also between our parents and us. Her father's very strong eagle. I kind of say this jokingly, but he grew up in the Bronx in New York. So he was like a Bronx eagle, which like magnifies it! And I'm not picking on New York. When I say that in New York, they're like, ÒYeah!Ó It's true! So you take a dove in New York, you move them to Kansas, and they're like an eagle. Right? There's like an intensity of energy in New York City. 

And so he was a very, very strong, strong eagle and it used to offend me all the time! Like, ÒWhy do you say it like that? Can't you say it nicer?Ó And once I learned it, once I learned about the styles, I was like, ÒOh, he's the eagle. That's all that's going on here.Ó And the judgment went away. And it just made it so much easier. 

And that happened with my wife and I as well. Once we understood it, it almost made us laugh. Like ÒRemember we used to get annoyed at that?Ó Now we're just like, ÒYeah, we get it.Ó ItÕs the owl, itÕs the parrot. It's the way it is.Ó And so it really is true that once you get this, it really changes the whole relationship, and that happened for me.

Lauren: I think it's kind of like a superpower, like a little secret superpower you guys can have. And anyone can have if they engage with this content, which I think is so important. And I really quick want to say where can people find all of this?

Merrick: So you can find The Chameleon, that's one of my books is and that's probably a good one for relationships. I think it's a collection of 22 fables and each fable teaches you a different lesson of how to apply this in your life. And you can get it on Audible and iTunes. You can listen to it or you can get at Barnes and Noble or Amazon. And we go into companies. My world is going into companies and speaking at conferences and teaching people how to work together more effectively. And you can go to take flight learning.com to learn more.

Lauren: I think it's great. And I think it would also make a great wedding gift or even like a wedding shower gift.

Merrick: I would just leave people with the thought, leave everyone with the thought that you want to make sure that you're not imposing your style on the people around you. The key is to use your strengths, understand yourself. The most self-aware people are the happiest people. 

Imagine whenEagle not only do you understand yourself, but you really understand your spouse and you honor them for who they are instead of trying to turn them into a version of you. And I think that if, if we could bring that energy to the world, there'd be a lot less conflict and a lot more happier people.