CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION

TITLE: Superstition 
DURATION: 14:42

Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê

Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê

As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way.

Today youÕll hear a story of how collaboration can lead to confidence and personal growth. YouÕll also hear how superstitions can feel very real.

Lauren: Hi, Maureen.

Maureen: Good morning.

Lauren: Before you share your story with us. Would you mind just sharing a little bit about yourself; like where you're from, what you do for a living, how long you've been married, just anything you're comfortable with.

Maureen: Sure. I live in Pennington, New Jersey, and I work as an e-Learning specialist creating videos for informational and educational purposes Ð a very fun, rewarding career.

Been married for 22 years. I met my husband, actually -- STAR 69 on the phone. That could be a commercial in itself.

My husband had hired my brother, and my brother was staying with me at the time because his dog was really hot at my mom's house and he had no air conditioning. So he stayed with me at the condo with my girlfriend Ð who was away for the weekend.

And I got a call that just hung up, and I never ever did a STAR 69, and that day I decided ÒWho called me and hung up?Ó

So I just did star 69, like an hour later, and I said ÒHello, did you call here?Ó

He's like, ÒAn hour ago, I was looking for your brother.Ó

And I'm like, ÒOh, okay.Ó

And then, next thing you know, my husband-to-be and I met. And that was it.

It was like a STAR 69 commercial. I don't think many people do that now because there's caller ID. So that was way back.

Lauren: No, that's, that's an amazing story. Great way to meet someone. 

So you said you're married for 22 years? Is that what you said?

Maureen: Yes.

Lauren: So, congratulations for that. That's amazing. And so, getting more into the side of your outfit and what we really are here and excited to hear about, could you just tell us the story of getting your wedding outfit and the kind of trail that you went down to find the most beautiful you for your wedding.

Maureen: So basically, I was engaged at 22. The first dress, I picked it out myself. I was headstrong, independent, went to the store Ð just said, I knew I wanted lace. I got lace all the way down. It was a beautiful dress. I loved it, but the engagement didn't work out. And I hung on to the dress thinking I would wear it in case I got engaged again.

Well, five years later, I'm still holding on to that dress. And I felt like somebody Ð I read Ð or  somebody told me you know that's bad luck to hold on to that dress. You should really get rid of it. And so I sold it for 50 bucks. Actually, it was, it was only 200 bucks. So it wasn't like I was, you know, wasting a lot of money. But as soon as I got rid of the dress. I actually met husband-to-be. So I think that, kind of, was true.

Lauren: Like a superstition around the dress.

Maureen: Right. I think someone actually told me about it. And it reminds me of when I went to Hawaii and I brought back black sand and somebody said that's bad luck. I think around the same time, I threw that in the toilet and I got rid of the dress. So if you believe in that stuff, I don't know, but it worked out.

So then I just looked through magazines and, you know, saw some beautiful dresses. Picked out some that I thought were pretty, went to the store with my mom and my sister, had fun trying on dresses. It was beautiful -- but couldn't decide.

So then I decided to show my husband-to-be some of these dresses that I kind of picked out and he kind of gave me his opinion Ð ÒWell, I like this one the best.Ó  

And that was it for me. I just said, well, great. They say it's bad luck for them to see it, but he didn't really see it. He didn't know which one I picked.

Looking back now I don't know if I would pick that dress. But it was perfect at the time.

I would probably not have it all the way up to my neck. It was kind of like a Òpriest lineÓ if I look at it. And my other dress was pretty high too, I don't know. I didn't want to like show anything? Well it was back then; I don't know. Now, you know, more dresses are more like, ah, you know, scoop line and off the shoulder or É so yeah, it was perfect at the time.

Lauren:  When you walked down the aisle were you happy with what you were wearing? Did it feel like the best thing for you on that day, especially considering that the most important factor for that day was that your husband-to-be loved it?

Maureen: Yeah, it was. To see the smile on his face. Now he might have had the smile anyway, but É it was. 

You know, you feel so important. You just feel so special. It's just an amazing time. You know, you feel like a princess.

Lauren:  And É I feel like É thatÕs everything anyone wants to be on that day. Everything you want to be is É is just to feel like you're the center of the universe, because that's what you're supposed to be for that day.

Maureen: Yeah.

Lauren:  Did it feel like a 180¼ in the decision-making process for you to go from sort of
being all alone picking a dress, which is very empowering when you think about it, even though it can feel maybe a little isolating, but it's empowering because you made the decision. And then to do a 180¼ and your husband chose. So tell me a little bit about that and what you feel about that sort of É shift.

Maureen: Yeah, actually I was more headstrong and independent back then. I think that my personality molded more as I got more mature. And I see that. Like I think back to it and I just see the evolution, I guess, of different times in my life. And different ages.

I mean, when I'm younger, I think I was É I was more independent and I knew what I wanted. And I'm going to get it. And I'm not going to have somebody just give me approval. But in this case with my husband I think I just wanted it to be special and that he was a part of it. 

Lauren:  It also points to the future of a relationship, which is collaboration, and wanting that collaboration from the beginning and not just later after the wedding. But you want the person that youÕre walking with down the aisle to have input. And thatÕs, you know, not the traditional way Ð but traditional does not mean right.

Maureen: And I was 33 at the time É I kind of wanted him to be a part of it because it was our day together.

I think that for me, letting them know which dress I was picking was the start of it. Because it's a partnership and I think that's what marriage is. YouÕre doing this together and you have to work it out because it is work. 

It's not easy, but if you keep the communication open and work it out together, it's going to work.

Lauren:  Do you think the perfect dress found you, or that you found it, or somewhere in between?

Maureen: I think it found me É just because it all came together.

Lauren:  All by throwing some sand in a toilet and selling your dress in a newspaper?

Maureen: Yes! I wish I still had that dress, actually, because I don't have a picture of it, but, you know, I have it in my memory, so.

Lauren:  It's almost like you got two perfect dresses and just because it wasn't perfect for your wedding day, doesn't mean it wasn't perfect for you.

Maureen: Mm hmm. But it was kind of good to get rid of it because then you get rid of that part that didn't work out. And youÕre starting fresh.

Lauren:  Yes, like catharsis for you.

Maureen: For the first one, I didn't try that many. I know I didn't.  Probably 10. 
The second time I tried probably 50. And you get tired after awhile. And you get tired of the people that are standing there going ÒNo, yes, no.Ó Or you really like one and you're like ÒThis is perfectÓ and they look at you and say ÒNope, it doesnÕt ÉÓ

So that's what helps mold the perfect dress because it's like É you want other people's opinions, I think. Because they could see something on you that, you know, you didn't see because you're looking at it one way. 

Lauren:  So, do you still have your dress Maureen?

Maureen: Yes. Mm hmm. I didn't É I don't know what, what do they call that when you pack it up and É preserve it. I didn't do that. But it still looks pretty good. It's not yellow or anything. I keep it in a closet up on the top shelf.

I don't know, I guess, maybe, you know, I see stories of people that their great grandmother passed it down. If my son has a girl and she wants to use, it or a niece É I don't know, it's just there.

Lauren:  Would you want them to keep it the same way, or would you, you know, be okay with them kind of making it into their perfect dress.

Maureen: I would be fine if they wanted to cut it up or, you know, just use a part of it. I didn't have a train or anything, but mine was, you know, no sleeves, beaded, a nice big rose bow in the back.

The first one was all lace and long sleeves É so totally different.

Lauren:  Totally different, but both totally you.

Maureen: Mm hmm.

Lauren:  Even though the main factor was your husbandÕs opinion, another big factor that a lot of people have is body shape and comfort.

Maureen: Mm hmm.

Lauren:  And how you feel.

Maureen: Yeah. My best friend actually said that was the perfect dress É which was É I didn't expect that. 

I didn't want to take it off. You know, you never wear anything like that É and you just feel like you're Ð like I said Ð princess, fairy tale and É it's just fun.

You know, most brides are glowing. And I love going to weddings. I love seeing different dresses. ItÕs beautiful; probably because they feel beautiful inside and out.

Lauren:  So feeling beautiful inside and looking beautiful on the outside É another word for that is confidence.

Maureen: Definitely.

Lauren:  ThatÕs almost the requirement to walk the aisle, IÕm going to guess, having not done it yet. I feel like you have to have confidence to go down that É that route.

Maureen: You want the dress to look perfect so you can feel that confidence. No one else is wearing that dress É or wearing a wedding dress É and youÕre just É itÕs your perfect day so É youÕre just on cloud nine. 

Lauren:  In light of recent events, you know, you said no one else is wearing the dress that youÕre wearing. Well, in the case of some people, ah, thatÕs not true. Mother-in-laws wearing other peopleÕs wedding dresses. Specifically, their wedding dress to their daughter-in-lawÕs wedding.

Maureen: Mm hmm.

Lauren: What do you think about that situation? Apparently the woman getting married was OK with it to an extent. So what are your thoughts on that?

Maureen: I think it takes away from the bride. SheÕs supposed to be the center of attention Ð then youÕve got somebody else whoÕs, like, trying to top it. I donÕt think itÕs a good idea. 

ÒSure ÉyouÕre going to color it another color? YouÕre going to make it shorter? What are you going to do to it so itÕs not looking like what IÕm wearing? WeÕre not twins here getting married.Ó

Lauren: I feel like that would pull your confidence right out of you. I mean, itÕs the same way that É if you just walk down the street and you see someone else wearing the same shirt youÕre wearing, you know, itÕs like ÒOh Gosh!Ó Now I donÕt feel like IÕm unique anymore. 

Maureen: Exactly.

Lauren: It takes away that uniqueness.

Maureen: You want to be one of a kind.

Lauren: Well thankfully that hasnÕt happened to you and hopefully will not happen to anyone else moving forward.

Well thank you so much, Maureen, for being here and sharing your beautiful story - two dresses in one story, which is amazing.

I just wanted to quickly say that that story sort of has shown a lot to you clearly because it's been your experience, but I think a lot of people can take away from it and so can I that traditions aren't necessarily the main thing when it comes to a wedding. 

Perfection is not the main thing. It's about collaboration and feeling confident in yourself no matter the situation.  Because your first dress you were confident because that's what you wanted, and the second dress you were confident because that's what you both wanted. 

And for the better. That success story of collaboration, and knowing that you're going to move forward with someone who wants to collaborate with you.

That to me is the most beautiful thing about you, and yourself, and your growth as a person.

Maureen: That's perfect, what you said. That's exactly right. And actually I didn't really think about it till we had this podcast. So this is really insightful for me. This was fun. Thank you.