CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION
TITLE: One Dress, Two Receptions
DURATION: 22:25

Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê

Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê

As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way.

Lauren: So today we have Roz with us. SheÕs going to share her wedding story and how her wedding dress was only an accessory, while her inner beauty was the true star of the show. Hi Roz!

Roz: Hello!

Lauren:  To start off, I would love for you to just introduce yourself. 

Roz:  Okay. Hi everybody. I am from New Jersey. Central Jersey, as a matter of fact, because I live in the middle. Everybody says we don't exist, Central Jersey. Yes, we do. If you go from my house to Princeton, you're in North Jersey. If you go from my house to Bordentown, you're in South Jersey. So we are literally central Jersey. I like saying that. I like identifying myself with Central Jersey, not either or.

I work for the State of New Jersey, I manage the Department of Treasury's wireless devices. It can be a bit hectic sometimes because everybody wants to talk and we are a digital world. I have one daughter, she's 38 years old, and I have no grandchildren as of yet and I don't think I'm gonna have any either at this point, but you know, you never know. We'll see. 

I got married when I was 43. It was my second wedding which was the big wedding, the whole gown and everything, thinking he was my forever person. And the wedding was great and beautiful. It just so happens the marriage didn't last, but I'm not mad about it. The whole preparation prior was so much fun. And I did have a good time, I do want to say that. 

Lauren: So to begin, when you think about preparing for your wedding, where do you think that begins? 

Roz:  The location. I got married in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic and it was awesome. At the time my fiancŽÊwas like, ÒWell I want to go awayÓ which was great. Okay, yay! Yay for me because I wanted a destination wedding as well. But I did ask first. I did ask first ÒWhat would you prefer?Ó Not that I was going to do it. But I did ask. 

Lauren:  So do you think that you shaped your dress decision around Punta Cana and did that help you decide on your dress as well?

Roz: It did. The wedding wasn't on the beach but our pictures were on the beach so it had to be something you know, that wouldn't get all crazy chiffony-type stuff thatÕd get you know sand all over it and you can't get it out -- that type thing. So yes, it definitely shaped what I would wear. 

I did the wedding in Punta Cana but we also had a separate reception when we came back for all of those family members and friends that could not go with us. That event was four hours long and cost us three times as much money as the wedding.

Lauren: Wow.

Roz: Yep.

Roz: I just was trying to not exclude or single anybody out because they couldn't afford it or whatever the issue was. I just kind of wanted to make everybody feel included. So we did the whole thing in New Jersey when we came back. 

We got back on a Friday. The New Jersey reception was that Saturday evening and everybody had to be back in all their clothes. ÒDon't mess up your outfits, you have to wear your outfit again!Ó Yeah, I was a little bit of a control freak. It wouldn't have been real if we werenÕt dressed, you know what I mean? 

Lauren: So it was like a whirlwind for you! I can't even imagine!

Roz: Yeah it was a little hectic, I wouldn't recommend it. But um, yeah, I wouldn't recommend doing what I did if you're not high energy.

Lauren: Yeah! It'd be very, very overwhelming I would imagine and I have to ask about how you felt in your dress, but at some point I want to know how it felt to feel it to wear it the second time.

Roz: The second time I had the dress on I was super tired and because I kind of had a little bit of jet lag I was like, ÒOkay, hurry up! Let's get this over with!Ó But everybody there at the New Jersey reception was so excited I had to get excited again. You know what I mean? IÕm like, ÒOh God IÕve got to do this again!Ó I mean a full reception. DJ, bar, it was the Elks Club. Except for the elk on the wall with the horns, I had a good time. After a while nobody noticed it. 

But wearing the dress the second time, everybody that didn't see me the first time made it feel like it was the first time again. 

Lauren: Do you think that helped you be like, reinvigorated for the night just because of that?

Roz:  Yes. It did. It really did. It did. The tired kind of went away. I kind of like you know had to greet everybody. It was good. Yes. I slept I want to say for two days after that.

Maybe I should go back to the drama part when I wanted to have my dress made by hand. This was a friend of my fiancŽÊat the time; this was a friend of his. He designed this beautiful dress. I do have the picture of that, the sketch of that dress. My dress that I bought was close to it. But when I went to Philly to start to price out the material, and the lace and the beads and all these layers of stuff, oh, I was in like up to $2,000 on their first store. I was like, ÒOh, no, wait, I'm not doing this. This is too much.Ó So that's how I ended up at David's bridal.

Lauren: It's shocking how much a customized dress can cost. So it's not you know, it's not surprising that you needed to shift gears a little bit on that.

Roz: I went to DavidÕs Bridal by myself first with nobody with me so I could just zoom in and 
focus in on what I wanted without somebody in my ear saying ÒGet this! Get this!Ó No, I canÕt. 
Un uh. First of all, I'm 43 okay? Like, I think I can decide and pick something! 

It had to be something like comfortable, it didn't have to be like the top of the line. I just want to look like it's the top of the line. So I just picked something that I can like ÒOkay, if I can get this, I can chop off the bottom and make another dress out of it and make a shawl out of the bottom.Ó That's my thought process.  

So I get there, I walk in, the salespeople are really, really cool. They're not overbearing, they don't ask, you know, they're not like, you know, all over me. I'm like ÒI'm just looking right now. I'm getting married, but I don't know what I want. I have no idea. I just want to look around.Ó And they let me look around. 

So I'm walking around and I see these dresses. You know a couple of them I really liked that were a little frou frou, but the price tag was four digits. I'm like, ÒOh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. No. ÒOkay, this is out of my price range, way out of my price range. And where are the dresses that were advertised on the TV that were $500 and below?Ó

So they took me to that area and I looked through and I found like at least three or four that I liked. And I left it right there with those three or four, went back the following weekend with my soon to be sister-in-law at that point. And she's like, ÒI don't like that one. I don't like that one.Ó So she kind of helped me narrow it down. All of these were under $500. Being my age with a house, a mortgage, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I can't see spending that kind of money on a dress for one day. My budget was no more than $500 for a dress. 

My dress É it kind of spoke to me. it just was like ÒOh, I like that!Ó And it just so happened to be one that was on sale, on clearance and at a reduced price. So I paid I want to say no more than $200. And I talked to one of my bridesmaids and she said ÒBut our dresses, we only paid like $110!Ó Because I had É I don't want to call myself cheap. I'm thrifty. Just thrifty. But they all were happy because you know, these are all women who work. 

So all of our dresses including mine, we kind of laid them away, put the deposit on them to hold all the dresses. I mean my wedding gown for sure, and then the girls when I brought them. All of this took place within a month. I went one Saturday. The second Saturday I took my at that time my soon to be sister-in-law. And the third Saturday was scheduled. 

Everybody goes and picks out. I picked one color. And the dress came in eight different styles. So they had to pick one of the eight styles because nobody likes to shop. Oh my God! They gave me such a hard time. Oh my God! None of them like to shop, especially my two sisters. So it was a one day thing. We spent about I want to say six hours in David's bridal that day, but when we walked out everything was done. 

So it wasn't that hard for me. You know, it was it was a good experience. I'm really É now  that I talk about it, after all these years it was a pretty É it was a decent experience. I didn't get like, I didn't have any drama with that.

Lauren:  Why do you think people are so obsessed with wedding dresses? Why do you think they're very important for a wedding? 

Roz: My personal belief is that happens because of the elders of the family basically. That's something that's kind of taught. Well, at least for my family, weddings were very important. My aunts and uncles stayed together forever. My parents have been divorced, but they definitely I'll say with what we now call co-parent, but my parents didn't divorce until all of the kids were out of high school. 

So I really want to say it came from my grandparents in my life. You know, my grandparents they kind of instilled that institution of marriage, and you should look your prettiest on that day for your husband-to-be.

Their idea and my idea differ a little bit because there's no way in the world I will ever be subservient and just do what my husband says. That will never happen with me but that's what I was taught. That's crazy, right? I mean, that's what I was taught!

Lauren:. I think that's, you know, the answer that I think generally speaking coats the entirety of the United States or the North American, you know, mindset and  I think I É delving even deeper into that, do you think wearing a wedding gown on your wedding day makes you feel differently than you would on another day wearing say just a white dress?

Roz: I think so because on your wedding day when you're in that gown, itÕs like the spotlight is on you. It is at that moment on that day in time, that is your day to shine. You are the star of the show as the bride. So yes, it's very important. The dress is important, the makeup is important. 

Your necklaces, and your earrings must match. You have to have a bracelet on this hand and if you're going to wear watch, wear it on the other arm.  You know, I was just, I don't know, anal retentive. Why though? I don't even know why I was like that because they I always said ÒI'm not going through this. This is craziness. People are going nuts!Ó 

But I did it anyway. I did it anyway and I don't know what drives you. What drives a person to do that? ItÕs just É all I can say is because of the way I was raised is just like that's what I was taught. So that's what I did. I projected that same thing.

Lauren:  How did you particularly feel that day when you put it on and you're about to walk down the aisle?

Roz: I had mixed feelings. My father, who is a clown sometimes, says ÒOkay, this is your last chance. You can walk away if you want to.Ó But he didn't mean it, he was joking. He was cracking jokes. And we had a really long walkway to come down. Because at the resort, they set up this like little gazebo area for the wedding. It was so pretty. 

And when I saw all the other people coming out of the restaurants to look at me, oh, I thought I was the queen of the world. It was awesome! I felt awesome! I felt very special, very important. Everything was perfect. I was flawless that day. It worked. It was great! 

Lauren:  And do you think everyone else could sort of feel that coming off of you? Because what you wear sort of tells a story about who you are. So do you think that that happened for you? Because you were feeling confident. You were feeling flawless. Do you think everyone around you also felt that from you as well?

Roz: I do. And they told me so after the fact. So yeah. I felt it then É I felt because É it was like, it was like tension. There was like some tension because it was hot. We were trying to avoid the rain, a thunderstorm. And once I came down the aisle and everybody turned around and looked at me and my dad, it was like a sigh. It's like I felt like a sigh of relief from everybody else, and it just É everything just went you know, just according to plan. Exactly as planned. And yes everywhere É I felt like everybody else was more comfortable because I was comfortable. It made a difference.

And I was looking at my pictures today, because I haven't looked at them in a very long time. IÕm just looking for something to send to you guys. I'm like, ÒOh my God, this was like an awesome day. This was awesome!Ó

And I'm you know, I'm still friends with myÉ I don't call her ex sister-in-law. She's still my sister-in-law. And the other person was like my best friend. And I'm definitely É I talk to her all the time. She's like ÒYou're doing a podcast about what? Your wedding? Really?Ó IÕm like ÓYeah, IÕll tell you about it when it's over. She's like ÒOh, wow, what are you gonna say?Ó I'm like, ÒIt's not about the marriage. It's about the wedding dress and the stuff we did beforehand.Ó 

Her reaction was interesting when I told her about this. And she said ÒWell, it was great because I'm telling you I think we paid $110 for our dresses. You did good.Ó She was funny. She said ÒYou did really well with that.Ó I wanted everybody look and feel elegant without paying elegant prices. 

Lauren: You got the wedding of your dreams even if it didn't turn out to be the marriage of your dreams. And correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you look back at that day, and you loved that wedding.

Roz: I tell everybody ÒMy wedding was fabulous! It was fantastic! Too bad the marriage didn't last.Ó But the wedding was awesome! You know, I won't take that away from myself or anybody else that was there. But yeah, I really enjoyed that day. 

Well that whole weekend because it was Columbus Day weekend 2006. So it was a five day weekend, five day four night getaway weekend for everybody who came. You know, the wedding is on Saturday. You have the rest until Monday to do whatever you want. And everybody had a little mini vacation. So I yeah, I did. Yeah, I'm very proud of that day and that time.

Lauren: Do you think people bond more in a destination wedding? 

Roz:  I can say yes to that. And I can say that my little sister met her now husband, and they have been together since my wedding.

Lauren: Wow! 

Roz:  So right, is that crazy? IÕm like ÒAre you kidding me right now?Ó They kind of disappeared from the crowd. I'm like ÒWhere are these two at?Ó They weren't you know, they weren't. They weren't like enjoying the group events and then suddenly they went off on their own. And next thing I know they're getting married.

Yes, we bonded. We all bonded and we were all friends anyway. Everybody knew everybody else. So it was a really it was was a very cool thing to do. And I kind of wanted everybody to enjoy that weekend. Come celebrate with us, yes, but have a little vacation as well. And it kind of worked. It blended really, really, well. So I was very happy with the whole event. I was an event planner that that for that whole thing. I did it all myself. And it was É and it turned out, it worked out well. So I was very happy with it. And I was happy that everybody had a good time.

Lauren: It's clear that your positive energy permeated your entire wedding. Just the way you describe it. It sounds like not only a fun experience, but just a positive and like encouraging experience.

Continuing on that line of thinking it's no wonder that you wanted a destination wedding that you wanted to be near the ocean in a calming and sort of like almost a comforting place not only to see somewhere new and experiencing something new, but to be comforted by the ocean and the waves and sort of that like nature or yeah

Roz:  Yep, exactly. My first time in California, I had to go stick my foot in the Pacific Ocean because I was in California like, I have to go. I'm not gonna get in the water.  I had on my entire like, outfit from my clothes from the plane, still, and I literally had to go.

But I'm a water person. And it's É how you a water person you don't swim? That's just ridiculous! That doesn't even make sense. But I am and I love the water. And I will eventually learn to swim appropriately.

I just go in far enough so I know I'm not gonna, you know, waist high and then I'm out. And you know, I'll sit in the sand and let the you know, let the s É but it's just it's a thing. ItÕs  part of my whole calming thing.

Lauren: Absolutely. And  I'm curious, you mentioned sticking your feet in the water and feeling comfortable. Do you think that leads to sort of a more spiritual side of things? Is that something that you would attribute to yourself as well? 

Roz:  Exactly. That is exactly what it is. That's exactly what that's about with me. I am more spiritual than I am anything else. I'm pretty much an eclectic type person. I kind of can blend in wherever I go. I never have problems.

I think my spiritual energy is projected. Like I don't, I don't know how to explain it about me. I kind of don't have a problem. Wherever you know, wherever I go, wherever I work, I kind of can work with whoever as long as it's not, you know, you're not attacking me I'm good to go. We can work this out. Um, yes, I'm very spiritual. Definitely. 

And it has to feel right. If it feels wrong, is it I can't explain what that means in words because I'm not a therapist. But if I don't feel good about it is going to show. is definitely going to show. If it's a good thing, then I'm going to work with it and we're going to continue on let's go.

I'm the happy person in the group basically. 

Lauren:  I want to know, considering what you know now looking back, I mean clearly you loved that day. Knowing what you know now, would you do the day over again?

Roz: If I could change the person? Yes. I mean, that's honest. ThatÕs as honest as I can be. If I could change the person, I would absolutely do it all over again.

Lauren: And, I mean, that's understandable as an answer. 

Roz: Thank you!

Lauren: To be very fair, that's completely an honest answer, and I appreciate it. And I would love to know, do you think that this is something that you would do again with another person if you had that opportunity?

Roz: I would do a destination wedding, yes. I would not go so far as to have the whole bridal party all, you know, make sure everybody's in the same suits, make sure everybody's got the same colors. One, because I'm older. You know I'm like hitting 60. So, I wouldn't do all that over again because it's just not age appropriate as far as I'm concerned. So I wouldn't say I would buy an entire wedding gown. But I would definitely buy a wedding dress É

Lauren: OK.

Roz: É specifically for that event. It would be special because now again, here I go, I'm trying to do this commitment thing. And if I'm committing, then I must feel a special way about this person so I want to look my best. The best that I can. So I would definitely take pride in the dress.  Again, back to what we're talking about, yes, I would definitely take pride in the dress and pick something that I think that I looked phenomenal in. That my future husband would just like, turn around go ÒOh my god!Ó That yes. I would do that, yes.