CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION
TITLE: Tradition and the Trailblazer
Duration: 35:24

Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê

Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê

As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way.

Lauren: Today we have Zarah. She is a good friend of mine from college, and I'm here to talk to her about her extravagantly amazing wedding in Pakistan. She is from there and she's here to tell us a little bit about the traditions behind the different events that incorporate not only weddings and outfits, but also the community that creates a wedding and what it means for two people to come together. Zarah can you introduce yourself for us? 

Zarah: Hi. So, my name is Zarah and I am a visual artist, and I practice my art in the form of architecture and interior design. I started my own company after I came back from college called REMspaces, and sounds exactly what it is, which is rapid eye movement. And my slogan is designing dreams. 

I believe that for my clients, for people, the spaces that you're in should be like your dreams of what you've always wanted. And I think that that played a lot into my own wedding as well. It was just something that I wanted to do for myself. Something that I É I guess always dreamed up and then ultimately designed it.

Lauren: Zarah, when you think about your wedding, how do you think the story began?

Zarah: So culturally, the way things are believed for women is that theyÕre raised to sort of just become housewives or theyÕre working towards finding the perfect match and getting married and usually that perfect match is arranged for them by their parents.

The men in my family believe that education and a career is more important than getting married. And the women were kind of conflicted because they wanted independence as well. But they also were coming from a background that was all about being shaped up to be married. My mother was like, ÒYeah, be an empowered woman but you know, you have to get married.Ó So you're working towards getting married. 

Luckily we were forward thinking, so I kind of just didn't really think about getting married. Usually other kids my age, or you know younger girls who would be in their high school years and then eventually going to college would be working towards finding the perfect match whether it's through secretly dating someone or going to other weddings and being ÒseenÓ quote unquote, by, you know other women who have potential bachelor sons. So I was kind of in the mix but I wasn't actively working towards it. Of course, I would get dressed and go to weddings, but it wasn't for the act of being found. It was more for having fun and looking good. And then of course I went to college. 

The funny thing is that in college I É I think that's when I really started thinking about getting married. And it was less about, you know, finding a partner and settling down and more about how fun it would be if my college friends would come ... to like this huge party that I would have! And sort of just think about all the things we would do and you know, all the craziness that we bring to the party! 

And I kind of realized that I would envision my wedding through my college friendsÕ eyes and kind of make them see the best side of Pakistan, which ironically used to be the side I used to hate the most because it was all about objectification and spending too much money and É but still, at the end of the day it's a really fun party. And it's a party that lasts ten days so it's never ending. And so I think that's really when I started thinking about what it would mean to be getting married, but I never focused or honed in on that energy towards it. It was just a fun conversation to have and share a culture through. 

Lauren: Literally from day one being friends with you, you were like, ÒWell, when I get married, you're going to come Pakistan.Ó Every time youÕd talk about anything marriage related ÒWell you're coming to Pakistan for mine.Ó You weren't even dating anyone! 

Zarah: Exactly. That's the irony. I think that's really the true time that I really thought about my wedding. And it was not because I was a bride or getting married or clothes .... it was literally just ÒWow, they're all gonna come and we're gonna have the time of our lives!Ó 

Lauren: A lot of what your wedding was and how it came about was less traditional than typically happens so could you speak a little bit about that? 

Zarah: Traditionally, what happens is that the parents find the match, and they sort of arrange it. For me, it was very different. I met my fiancŽ, or my husband now I guess, at work. And we hit it off instantly because we both studied in New York. And you know how obsessed I am with the city, and like I'm always harping to go back. And so for us, it was that initial common ground where we hit it off and just became friends. 

But we didn't want to be that couple who sort of starts an office romance, so we continued to be friends for a lot of months and then when I resigned and left that job, thatÕs when we sort of talked about taking our friendship to another level. 

We began our conversation with ÒOkay, but are we seriously going to end up together?Ó because there is a traditional factor and I was the sort of person who had that structure in my mind where if I'm twenty-five I should be in a serious relationship versus something that's not as serious and not really going anywhere; otherwise I'm better off single. 

So we started dating, and it was a secret. I couldn't openly talk about a boyfriend or openly talk about having relationships, generally, with men. I mean I used to tell my parents that I have a crush on this guy and a crush on that guy and I used to talk to my parents about it but it was never very explicit. 

So yeah, we used to meet usually in big gatherings because being alone together is kind of frowned upon and then I guess a year into our relationship we decided that we should start talking to our parents about each other. 

And so the traditional point of all of this is that once our parents were in the mix it became more about making it formal -- like actually getting into, ÒWho is this guy? Where does he come from? What does his family do?Ó because over here it's not just a marriage between two people, it's a marriage between two families. And so, you know, can the two families get along? Are their backgrounds similar or would it be too difficult to adjust to É etc, etc.

The guyÕs side comes and meets the girlÕs side at their house. So that's one meeting. And then the girlÕs side goes and meets the guyÕs side at his house. And that's the second meeting. And then by the third meeting it's kind of understood whether it's a yes or no. And so, in the third meeting the boyÕs side formally asks to take this to the next step, which is to ask for hand in marriage. And then there is the yes ceremony. In Urdu it means HaaN, which means yes. So there's a lot of exchanging of gifts and a lot of eating sweets and eating food in general. 

Then later on Ahmed and I did something very non-traditional. We bought our respective engagement rings for each other and exchanged them without any parents or any ceremony or anything. We just exchanged them at a restaurant. 

So my parents were like ÒHow is this possible? We should be there!Ó And his parents were like, ÒHow are you guys ÉÓ I was the first getting married and he was the only son getting engaged and we were breaking all barriers from the get go. And we're like, ÒNo, this is our moment. We want it to be personal. We don't want you there.Ó So we just exchanged rings at a restaurant and it was very sweet because the owner of the restaurant happened to be there and he sent us free desserts and whatnot. So quite festive. 

Lauren: So É very you. You don't let anyone tell you what to do. You let people suggest things and then you just do what you want to do at the end of the day. So É so what was the first thing you started planning? And when did you start planning all of these outfits? Because you do need more than one.

Zarah: In terms of timeline, I actually started thinking about the dress around February and had already kind of ordered and designed and chosen the fabric of the main events dress before we even got engaged or exchanged rings. That was done and dusted by April. And I think the only reason why that was so easy was because I had already in my mind what it was that I wanted for the big day. 

I knew what color I wanted to wear and so I was able to plan everything around that specific color. As you know I wore white on my main wedding day, but traditionally, the bride is supposed to wear red. And my grandmother who is very traditional, was like, ÒWhat the hell? Like ÒWhy the hell are you wearing white? And you know ÒWho wears white? Are you Christian? You're not Christian! Muslim women wear red.Ó And I was just like, ÒYou know, I have this image in my mind. I downloaded it off of Pinterest two years ago, and she's wearing white. She's an Indian bride wearing white and I'm gonna wear the same outfit. And white looks really good on me.Ó

So a lot of tussle back and forth. So just because I knew I was going to wear white, I made sure that nobody wears white, basically. So because I was wearing white it became a day event. And it was a day event specifically because it was a winter wedding. 

So in Pakistan, most weddings occur in the winter because it's pleasant weather; otherwise, it's 110 degrees out, Fahrenheit, so it's very, very hot. So we usually do all our weddings in winter. We wanted a winter wedding, specifically in the Christmas holidays so that people were able to come. 

So because it was a day wedding, I wanted it to be white but the problem is that as soon as you say day wedding in Pakistan, everybody ends up wearing white because ÒOh, you know, we'll just look so bright!Ó So that's why I made sure that all the girls had to wear some color of pink.

Lauren: How many outfits did you have to get and how many events did you have?
 
Zarah: Okay. So let me count. I know that there were four main outfits in which I had to look like the bride. Okay, that was what I was told. And then I think I had maybe three Ònot so mainÓ outfits.

We have traditionally only three events. You have a fun dance kind of party night, where the bride isn't as dressed because she has to look relatively more simple so that the next day on her actual wedding day she is super decked up and you can see the contrast. And on the actual wedding day traditionally the bride is really, really you know É with deep colors and has a headdress, like basically a very big drape over her head and very jeweled up and everything. And that's the day she actually leaves her parentsÕ home to go to her husband's home. The third function is the day after, which is considered the reception and that's actually thrown traditionally by the groom's side. 

The main ceremony is actually just a signing of a paper which is called the nikaah. Usually what happens is that the bride and the groom do the nikaah ceremony about a week before the dance party and the leaving and the reception. I however, merged my nikaah with the leaving day. So that actually tied in a lot of different things into one day. And so for me the main outfit was the nikaah outfit. So that was the white outfit.

What Ahmed ended up actually doing was that he wanted to have another dance party. So which is why they're four functions as opposed to three. The first one was blue and pink; the jumpsuit and the coat. 

This was a musical evening basically. And there is no real rules about what the bride wears on the musical evening. I just wanted it to be something that I could easily walk in and move around in. And I wanted to look very, very modern because usually girls and brides are dressed traditionally on the musical evening with maybe a scarf covering their head or flower jewelry, etc. Yeah, I didn't want to do any of that. So that was the first kind of like main event.

Actually, I went to the designer and I saw an outfit of his, and pretty much just told him to recreate it for me but in blue, pink and gold. And the original colors are olive green, brown and silver. So I totally changed the color scheme and told him to remake the whole thing for me. What was important to me was that the outfit would be something that I can wear later on as well. So it shouldn't just be something that I wear once, which is why it's a two piece. So it's a jumpsuit as well as a coat and I can pair the coat with something else later on and wear the jumpsuit later on. 

Lauren: It's interesting that you say you wanted to wear it again because I feel like that's pretty common in Pakistan as well. You have these beautiful outfits from these designers that do beautiful work. And then you only get to wear them for one day. So you utilize them and mix and match them, right?

Zarah: Yes. So that's the goal. I think now that brides have become more practical, they want their dresses to be worn on multiple occasions. However, some are so heavily embellished that it actually becomes very difficult to wear later on. I actually wore my mother's wedding outfit on the second event, which was the pink one. 

Lauren: Um hmm.

Zarah: And the way I recycled her outfit was that her shirt of that wedding dress was actually É it burned sometime in the 90s. So she never really actually had her original anymore either. But it was a very plain shirt and just simple raw silk with a very flared pant with the, you know, multicolored kind of layers. 

But the main thing of her wedding dress was the wrap that she put on her head. The dupatta as we say. And I wanted to wear her dupatta and also her flared pants, but I didn't want to wear a plain shirt with it. So I actually picked a color from her flared pants and I told the designer to make me a very modern silhouette, which is cinched at the waist so that the flare of the pant can continue to look like a flare and the top is very fitted.

And then normally what brides do is that they cover their head throughout the wedding days, but I never covered my head throughout any day. I had like a sorry excuse of a covering overhead on my main wedding day. So even on the second function I actually wore her dupatta as a sash as opposed to something on my head. 

I actually was the least bothered about that outfit and I hardly cared that much. I just kind of just said ÒYes, okay, this color, okay, that works. Okay, fine this cut.Ó And it actually turned out to be one of my favorite outfits. It fit so nicely and the color was just so good. So much so that my mother hasn't given it to me. She's kept it at her house! Like, she just hasn't returned it to me. She's like, ÒNo, it's mine!Ó So I'm glad I recycled her outfit for that day. I actually wore the same jewelry she wore on her wedding. 

Lauren: Two questions. The first one is why do you typically wear a head covering during your wedding and why did you decide not to? And then the other question I have is do you think wearing your mom's outfit was significant for her and for you and like your bond?

Zarah: I wanted to re-wear my mother's outfit just because I didn't want to spend so much money. I was like, you know what, I'll just spend half or not even one third of what you would normally spend and just get something neat and redo. It started off as that but then eventually it became more about the fact that I look the most like my mother. We resemble each other a lot. And there was a sentimental kind of attachment to the outfit. It wasn't that I was in love with her dress as a child; it was never like that. I just think that it was very me because I wanted to look very different. 

So that would answer the second question. The first would be that É so what I heard  predominantly throughout the preparation of the wedding was ÒYou don't look like a bride unless you cover your head.Ó It's kind of like crowning the girl so that people know that this is the bride. It's supposed to be a veil, so you're actually hiding her face. 

And then slowly, you know, as times progressed the veil started going higher, higher, higher, and it ended up just kind of resting on her forehead. And so the designers actually changed the way they design that specific piece of cloth.

So it definitely has evolved. I just personally felt that the headdress or the dupatta on your head actually weighs the bride down too much. And she canÕt move around as openly or as freely as she wants. And so she's kind of marooned onto a sofa and has to carry this heavy thing. And I was against that throughout my wedding. I wanted to move, I wanted to dance and I just didn't want to be kind of told to sit in one place. Which is actually the only reason why I chose not to cover my head. It was a practical thing and there was a lot of resistance to it, but I ultimately got my way.

Lauren: As always! 

Zarah: And it's sad. I mean, now that I look back at my wedding I do feel that there is some practical aspect to the bride sitting in one place because that means that everyone goes and gets to meet her and everyone gets to take a photograph with her. No one could find me on my wedding. There are so many people who just, I mean, there is no memory of them at my wedding because there were no photographs taken or they couldn't find me or I don't remember meeting them. So definitely there is some practical aspect to sitting down in one place, but I'm glad that I didn't. 

Lauren: I think for the better you sort of were telling everyone ÒI want to have my freedom. I mean, you came to my wedding. It's mine, not yours so ÉÓ 

Zarah: Exactly. And I just felt that since my husband isn't going to be sitting down É because the guy actually wears very lightweight clothing. So he has so much freedom. And I didn't want to have É I mean, it's sad because actually ultimately the guy keeps the bride company and sits like a statue as well. 

And I always used to go to weddings, and I used to feel bad for the bride and groom. I used to be like ÒThey're just sitting in one place. They're just some museum piece and people are taking pictures of them.Ó So we both made a promise that we're not going to let that happen to us on our wedding. And so, people were asking me who the groom is when they came to me, and I was like, ÒI don't know. He's somewhere here.Ó Like ÒJust go find him if you can.Ó So these are practical reasons for not having something on my head.

And on the third day which was the biggest event, but the smallest in terms of invitees, was the day I wore the heaviest dress and kind of had a headdress on my head but it was just kind of resting on a bun right at the back of my neck. So it was nowhere near my face. And that was the day that I kind of sat in one place. 

But there also I broke a lot of stereotypes because normally the bride wears heels so that the dress looks good. But I was just fed up and I didn't want to wear heels so I walked around in flats. So the dress doesn't look as grand as it would have had I worn heels.

But that dress is very special to me because I got it custom. So normally, I mean all the clothes are customized but I got the work É like the way they make the embroideries and the metalwork on it É I got that customized. 

So normally brides wear floral work; very heavily embellished flowers and leaves and trees. And I got buildings. And I very specifically had the Washington Square Park Arch with the Empire State Building in the background embellished on the dress. 

Lauren: Could you talk about why it was so important that New York City's Washington Square Park and the arch and all of that were a symbol on your wedding day?

Zarah: New York City is the first love of my life. And then Ahmed is my second. I associate the city very much with my independence and finding myself. Some of my best memories have been in the park. It was the first place I kind of went to with my uncle who basically showed me the whole city. And it just so happens that I was in New York around about the same weekend that Ahmed was there for his graduation. And so we met each other there. And I actually went with him to collect his cloak from NYU. 

At this at this point we were just friends so I just told him, ÒYou know what, let me take photographs of you in your cloak in front of the arch. Because Washington Square Park is so NYU and you know, we're here together.Ó And so I actually took photographs of him against that arch with the Empire State Building in the background and everything. And so that was a second added layer to the Washington Square Park memory. 

And when we went to New York before our wedding also, we were chilling in the park a lot. Plus it's not just the park and what it means. It's also how that triumphal arch is significant of architecture. And so I definitely felt that New York had to be on my main outfit. I'm just amazed that they pulled it off because no one has ever gotten that done on their outfits. 

Lauren: It was spectacular. The work was phenomenal with the metal threading and all of that. 

Zarah: A long time ago, when he and I started dating I actually sent him an article that in ancient Greece whenever someone wanted to marry someone they would throw an apple at the person and that would signify É I don't know whether this is some random Reddit article or some real legit BBC or CNN article, okay, but we're not gonna do it. And then you know, on progressive dates I would be like, ÒWhen are you throwing an apple?Ó 

And so I actually got apple trees made on the dress next to the arch and in other places as well. They're mostly gold and orangey kind of apples on my dress. And the inside of his engagement ring also has an apple made in it because I threw the apple É so he's wearing in on his finger! So that was the other personal thing that I put on that that was just and for him and me. 

Lauren: You truly are a creative Zarah. You design, you build, and you do it with a finesse, so É

Zarah: Thanks!

Lauren: Why do you think it was so important for that dress specifically to be so personal? Is it something that you think was important for you? Was important for the wedding? Was important for your family? Because as you've said as well, weddings in Pakistan are about two families coming together, not just two people. So do you think that that had anything to do with it as well? 

Zarah: Your dress is the main thing and everyone whenever they used to ask me about the preps of the wedding, they used to be like, ÒHave you done your clothes? Have you done your clothes? Have you done your main dress? Have done your main dress?Ó And I actually made the decision so quickly with it because I kind of just knew what I wanted that I used to get irritated with people and be like, ÒWhy are you asking me about the dress man? Like I have so much other stuff to do. I have to make a guidebook for my friends. I have to plan their car. I have to do this, get the invitations going ÉÓ So I don't know why actually I was so hell bent on that dress.

Lauren: I think that's a worldwide phenomenon where everyone asks the bride what she's going to be wearing on her wedding day. But why specifically do you think in Pakistan it was so important psychologically, for you and for everyone else, to sort of have that image or that prepared?

Zarah: I've never really thought about what the backstory could be. Because I mean, people do so much before they get married. Brides get 10,000 rupee facials and get their teeth whitening done and all sorts of grooming things. It's like a buildup to looking the best you could ever look when everyone is coming to see the bride and what she's wearing. And that's why she's usually sitting on a stage É higher platform. Everyone is staring at her because people are obsessed with brides, and I don't know what it is.

Lauren: It feels like a lot of pressure that a lot of people have to go through for a day that's supposed to be not so pressure filled.

Zarah: A lot of people told me from the beginning that this is a time that you're supposed to enjoy, but you never end up enjoying it because you actually end up fighting a lot. Disagreeing a lot. There's a lot of tussle between you and your family, because suddenly you're kind of half married. So you have someone else in your life so you're a little more freer. 

I mean I don't want this podcast to be heard by people in my country and be like, ÒWow, she's speaking from such a jaded point of view.Ó But I've always had a very realist perspective, which is that there are many people who É I guess É it's just not a very pleasant experience because girls are not as free prior to their marriage. And so they associate building up their life towards getting married because getting married means becoming free in some form. 

That's not the case at all. Because what usually happens is that you go from your parentsÕ home to your in lawsÕ home. And I think the wedding ends up becoming that just one limbo period where you can kind of be free. But no bride actually exercises much freedom. 

A lot of the time her dresses are decided for her. Her jewelry is decided for her. Her functions are decided for her. And I think what was very important and was a blessing for me was that I had parents who É I mean I have parents who let me be me. You know they let me design my invitations the way I wanted; very different from run of the mill. They let me choose my outfit, they let me choose my dŽcor, the kind of music, you know they just let me be me. 

I feel bad that I made you guys come to a traditional É and you would see our culture but actually you saw my version of the culture! And I was kind of hoping that there's some other wedding happening around about É like around the time of my wedding so I could take you guys and show you what an actual wedding is like, as opposed to my kind of weird combo type wedding. 

Lauren: I loved your version. Ahmed was wearing something very specific and I have no clue what it was.

Zarah: Okay, so normally the groom wears the traditional dress for men. It's called a sherwani. 
Normally boys wear an off white, or a black or a brownish kind of outfit. But Ahmed went with this dark green, which I don't think I've ever seen any boy wear. So it was something that he and I both wanted together which was to look different. 

He wore a turban to signify that this is the groom. And the thing with a turban is that once the guy wears it, he can't take it off because then he's gonna have hat hair. So he pretty much wore it till we got home. And it made him look extra taller because it adds like a foot and a half to your head. 

Lauren: Can you talk a little bit about, because it does have to do with wardrobe as well, the stealing of his shoes on that same day?

Zarah: Oh, yeah. So that's a tradition. I wouldn't say it's a Muslim tradition. It's just sort of a cultural thing that I think has been adopted from living in the subcontinent for so long. And there are so many traditions and cultural things that we have kind of taken from India. I think this is a very Indian tradition, which we've made into ours. 

And it's really just simple. So it's called a rukhsati when the bride is leaving. It literally means departure. Right before that happens, the girls of the bride and the brother of the bride and basically the bridal party -- the youngsters -- they get together and they steal the shoe that the groom is wearing off his foot. 

And in order to get it back the groom's family and the groom's party like youngsters, sisters, brothers, cousins, friends, they all make a team and they basically bribe the bridal party to return the shoe. And that bribery is this big negotiation.

It's very theatrical; like the demands are impossible. Like ÒOh, it's $5 million. And we'll give you the shoe back.Ó The groom's side says, ÒOh, he's not even worth $5 million. Take the groom we don't want him anymore.Ó Or you know, or ÒWell sorry, the bride is already ours.Ó So there's a lot of playful banter. 

So actually the price has been already agreed upon between the groom and the bridesÔs sister or brother. And then the groom, who has already prepared that envelope with the money, just kind of takes it out of his sherwani and hands it over and gets the shoe back.
What they do with the money changes from wedding to wedding. But I have been to weddings where they've given a lot of money, like $2,000.  

Lauren: I mean, the shoes were nice, so definitely worth the money. 

Zarah: We got the shoes custom made as well. When we approved the color for his suit, his sherwani, we took that swatch and gave it to the shoe company and they actually matched it and made that leather accordingly. So that was also a very matchy matchy kind of thing for him. 

Lauren: Did you have custom shoes made as well? 

Zarah: No, I actually ended up wearing the same shoes on all three days. So the other thing since we're talking about clothes and wardrobe É it's not just the clothes that you wear on the day. Your mother and your mother-in-law, they actually prepare outfits for you for after you get married. 

So the girlÕs side is É  the mother is usually making things that the girl can wear on an everyday basis. And the mother-in-law is usually making things that are formal, which she can wear to formal occasions. So they're much more expensive to make. 

And my mother-in-law actually, when I came to this house, she had like prepared a dozen outfits for me. All very different, so I actually never ended up having to get any clothes made for my sister's wedding because I just ended up wearing the things that my mother-in-law had made. I actually ended up wearing my blue and pink outfit on my sister's main event. So I recycled my own wedding stuff. 

Lauren: How do you keep your outfits? I mean you have so many, especially the one nikaah dress that's so important to you. Do you preserve that? How do you keep the more important pieces that you own?

Zarah: They're kind of cloaked in the package bags that they came in. TheyÕre zipper bags that are plastic, or muslin, or whatever. And I've zipped them up and they're just sort of hanging in my closet now. You tend to wear your wedding dress on a very, very close relativeÕs wedding. So either your younger sister or your younger brother, or a very, very close cousin. 

Lauren: In the beginning of this you said that the main reason from the get-go was that you wanted to have a fun event or events with your friends from college. Do you think you successfully did that?

Zarah: Having so many years have gone by and still have that kind of connection that they could come and be there and we all could be togetherÉ I think my only regret is that I didn't spend as much time as I wanted to with them because I was so busy. And even if I wasn't busy I feel like I just didn't spend time with them. 

I see these photographs of them seeing all these places. And I had strategically chosen not to go on those days because I had so many other things going on. And now I look back at those pictures and I don't even remember what it was that I was doing. I really wish I just went with them to all these places. Clearly, it wasn't important enough for me to forego. I could forgone whatever it was, because all I can think about is how I didn't spend as much time with them. 

Lauren: I'm curious, and this is sort of a catch all question, but if you were to use one word or one phrase to describe how you felt in what you were wearing during that time, what word or phrase would you use?

Zarah: I think I would use stunning because everybody used É I mean, that's the only word people used when they saw me. And I felt stunning, actually. I don't want to sound like I'm self-obsessed, which I am, but I don't want to sound it! But yeah, no I felt very stunning. So definitely that would be the word.

Lauren: I think that's a great word. You were stunning. I mean it was a show stopping event É all of it! I'm very honored to have been invited.