CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION
TITLE: Not That Same Girl
DURATION: 23:27

Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê

Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê

As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way.

In this episode our guest Angie shares how we donÕt always get our dream dress, but we can always find our inner beauty.

ANGIE: My name is Angie. I've been married for 27 and a half years. I have two children. I'm 51. Kindergarten teacher by day and usually by night too. 

LAUREN: Thank you for coming today Angie to talk to us, IÕm super excited to hear your story. Could you tell me about how you met your husband?

ANGIE: I probably should start it off by saying I'm like the hopeless romantic. I get all caught up in the Hallmark movies É the fairytale, whatever. 

My husband and I had gone to high school together, lived in a small town. We were talking later and realized I guess that our lockers were literally right across the hall from each other, but he graduated a year ahead of me. But we met during my freshman year and sophomore year of college. And I came home for the end of the semester and I was working in a diner.

Our small town diner was made up of a bunch of waitresses who were I would say older. Like I said, they're probably my age now but they were probably like in their 50s and up.  Then they had younger people bussing tables and maybe working in the kitchen, but there were no young waitresses in this restaurant. 

I had gone there one day with my grandparents for lunch and was waitressing at another restaurant that just really wasn't doing so well and knew that I needed to make some more money because I was pretty much pushing myself through college. And my grandmother was like, ÒThereÕs a help wanted sign on the door, you should apply.Ó 

So she had the waitress bring over an application and I filled it out. And it just so happened that the owner, who was this crotchety old lady, came over and actually interviewed me right there in the booth in front of my grandparents, and hired me, which was kind of funny because I was literally the first young waitress I think that she had ever hired in this restaurant.

So anyway I had worked there for quite a while. Still didn't know this man that I was eventually going to marry. I had broken up with my boyfriend that I was seeing for like the last year but he was in the military. He was stationed in Germany and he broke up with me in like, April, I think. But I came home at the end of that semester and all these little women that I was working with kind of made it their mission to find me my next boyfriend. 

And they really were, they were a hoot to work with. Like literally every time I worked and anything that walked through the door, they would be like, ÒWhat about him? What about him?Ó and it just got to the point where I was like, ÒThis is ridiculous!Ó So thinking I could shut them up I said, ÒWhat about that guy in the kitchen? What about him?Ò So the one É the one lady, she comes back to me a little bit later and she's like, ÒOh, I talked to him and and he's gonna come talk to you.Ó And he just happened to be working the window, where when you would put your orders in, he would be the one to yell out the orders to everybody to make it. So I like almost couldn't even put my orders in. I was embarrassed. 

So a little later on he came out and he said ÒWe're going on vacation, but when we come back do you want to go out sometime?Ó So I think we went out like we started going out like the É I don't know, it was probably like the middle of July or something. 

You know, when you get older you kind of really reflect on your life. I think it's that midlife crisis. I'm starting to hit or I'm going through or whatever, I don't know. But I look back and I, when I look at myself, I see this kind of needy girl who really just kind of needed that kind of a relationship. So we did start dating. He didn't go to the same school that I went to so we did the long distance thing. And we dated for four years before we got married. 

We had talked about getting married, I kind of knew it was coming. I had graduated in, you know, I finally graduated in May. He had graduated obviously a year ahead of me and was looking for a job in his field, which he had a little bit of trouble at first finding something, and he kind of made it perfectly clear to me like ÒWe are not getting engaged until I have a real job.Ó 

And I really didn't have the best life at home. So IÕm a college graduate, had to move back home and really looking like I needed to get out. I didn't have a job, a real job in my own field so money was tight. I knew I couldn't live on my own. So he finally got the job. So I thought, ÒOkay, so he's got this job so this is the next step.Ó We had looked at rings. I basically chose what I wanted, and I kinda É I knew that he had it. It was just when would I get it. 

He came to our house Thanksgiving day and he walked in and I went to hug him and he kind of pushed me away, but I guess he had the ring in his coat pocket. So after we had dinner and everybody left, we were in my bedroom watching É so wait for it É  because it was the first É this was a big thing. So this was like the first year that they put the movie E.T. on television. So we're watching the movie E.T. and literally during a commercial he says to me, ÒSo do you want to get married?Ó And I was like, ÒWhat?Ó Yeah, so that was it. That was my exciting proposal. I was like, ÒSure!Ó And then we watched the movie. So that was the end of that. Not very exciting, or Hallmark-like!

LAUREN: ThatÕs actually a fantastic story! I know just not as like romantic and crazy É

ANGIE: There were no rose petals sprinkled around or anything like that. So É

LAUREN: ItÕs romantic in its own way. It's its own genre of romantic for me, but that's my opinion. That's an amazing story. So beyond that going further into time you then I assume started to plan a wedding. Can you tell me a little bit about your planning style or just how you sort of started. 

ANGIE:  Well, like I said, we got engaged on Thanksgiving and fall was one of my favorite seasons. And I knew I was going to need some time to plan so we had actually thought of getting married the following fall. I talked to my parents, let's see what dates are available at the church. And it kind of boiled down to ÒAlright, these are the dates that you can choose from.Ó So we chose the date. 

And then kind of started with the planning. And of course we've been married 27 and a half years. So, you know there was no internet that you could get on. I mean you just went to the grocery store and you bought the brides magazines and that was really your only resource that you had, or going into shops and like looking around. 

So, you know, I had my magazines and of course, you know, your friends would give you their advice as well. But I think that probably after choosing the date the dress was probably the next thing that was kind of on the list. I think that the dress is, you know, one of the main focuses at least for a bride, so I think that that was you know, it's been so long, but I think that that was probably the next thing that we focused on or I focused on.

My husband and I basically paid for the majority of our wedding on our own, so I didn't get a lot of support really from my parents. My parents are divorced and my mother didn't have much of an interest really at all in this wedding. I mean, she wasn't opposed to it by any means but she just really É she just wasn't É wasn't interested. It wasn't like you would think, you know kind of like how it's thought of or even like shown on TV or movies you know where the mother and daughter like they're deep diving into like all this stuff together. I was really kind of on my own with that. 

My dad at the time had a cleaning business. But he also would venture into some snowmobile kind of trips or whatever in the wintertime. So I was actually with my stepmother one weekend, one of the first times we went out looking for a dress and she did go with me and we did some cleaning first and then we had some appointments at a couple dress shops that were local. 

Number one, I was basically paying for my dress. I wasn't going to get any financial help. And number two is I was heavy. So that was another issue that I never really thought of until I got to a dress shop. The ladies that were there that would come and help you we just kind of like look at you. I literally remember É I remember I had one lady that said to me, she's like ÒWell, we don't have a lot in your size.Ó You know, so it was kind of É that made it really É I already had a lot of self-sabotaging things going on which you know I still É I still do, that's something that you'd kind of never get rid of. But it kind of took the thunder, the excitement out of dress shopping, 

That was like literally one of the first stops that we made, and it almost got to the point where like I really É I didn't want to look for a dress, because I knew I wasn't this little skinny typical bride that they were trying to fit. And I think that things have come a long way as far as that goes now but back then it just seems like the styles, what was available was limited, or at least what they were showing me was limited so that made it all the more difficult.

LAUREN: It's a disappointing thing that that happens so often still. It's disappointing that it was happening to you at that time of course, but it's disappointing that it's still a thing that happens, that people who are larger have a difficult time finding dresses. 

ANGIE:  Right. Right. Yeah. I had a friend that I worked with. And we became really close. And IÕd asked her to be my matron of honor. And first she agreed, and then we found out a little bit later she was pregnant and due two days before my wedding. So sheÕs like, ÒYou know, I really want like, I want to help you, I want to do whatever, but I just don't want that responsibility. Like, what happens if I can't be there?Ó 

So then I had asked a friend that I went to college with and was really, really good close friend. She wasn't local. So it's like I said, back in those days, you couldn't just pick up your cell phone and text. If I wanted to call her it was long distance. So you know, so it made it a little more difficult and while she couldn't be here to help me in my search here, she actually was with me when I got my gown. 

But I had basically gone to a few of the dress shops here. I had tried on dresses that were okay. Of course the price tag was my major determining factor. And then actually, I had gone with my friend Chris that I went to college with, went down to the Philadelphia area, and we went shopping. And I ended up buying my dress at the J.C. Penney Outlet for $125. 

So I got this dress and I tried it on and É and it was okay. You know, like I kind of remember thinking I was excited just because I found something that I kind of mostly liked and the price tag was perfect. And I don't know how long I pranced around in this thing at the store. But I  bought it and I brought it home. And when I got home I remember I put it on for my mother and my stepfather to see. And I think that my mom liked it. Like, I don't really remember her exact reaction. But I do know that in my heart it really wasn't what I wanted. But I took it anyway, to the point where my other friend who was going to be my matron of honor, she was like, ÒLet's go to this one more placeÓ because my stepfather knew of a lady that owned this bridal shop that was not that far away, but I hadn't gone there. 

And I went to her bridal shop and tried this dress on that I fell in love with but I had a $500 price tag, which is like nothing compared to today. But I loved this dress. I loved the way I looked in it. I mean it was like that magical thing. And I really went back and forth like, ÒDo I just buy that dress? Do I, you know, what am I É what am I going to do? And I ended up not getting it and just keeping my $125 J.C. Penney dress thinking ÒIt'll be okay.Ó  So it worked. It worked for the day and then I guess I still have it so É still hanging in my closet. 

LAUREN: So considering that you didn't get to have this dress that you really truly fell in love with, how did you feel on the day and walking down the aisle in the other dress?

ANGIE:  Yeah, I mean, I didn't have like a total distaste for the dress that I ended up getting married in, but I think like I said, because I was heavier I felt like it wasn't maybe the most flattering dress. So my photographer actually had me come before the wedding and she actually did some in studio photographs of just me. And then on the day of of course, we had all the pictures. 

And I think that that's what I look at now. Like if I ever go back, I barely ever do but if I ever am looking at the photographs, I'm just like ÒOh my gosh, like what was I thinking? I had that big, huge bow across my rear end!Ó And not only was there a big huge bow back there, but there was like all these pleats! Like, could I accentuate it any more than I possibly, you know, could have? 

So I think I feel like I see myself in that dress and know that it wasn't the most flattering for my body at that time, where I felt like that other dress, I think I would have felt more confident. 
And I mean, you do. You get wrapped up in the day so much that like I said, I don't É I know, I wasn't walking around going, ÒI can't believe I just got married in this dress.Ò You know, that wasn't a thing. But you know, when I really sit back and I think about it, I feel like that would be like the one major thing if I could go back and change it, that would be the one thing at the top of my list that I would change. 

I mean, some of it is like style. The puffy sleeves you know with the lace, but taking that element out of it, what the style was in 1992, remove that away, I think what I loved most about my dress was it was $125. That's what I loved the most about it. So, and I even remember my friend Chris saying to me before I bought it she's like, ÒAre you sure? Are you sure this is the one?Ó  I truly believe my response to her was ÒIt's the one that works the best from what I've had in front of me.Ó 

So I guess maybe secretly at some point, because my mother had known and my stepfather knew that I had gone to that other dress shop and I found this dress that I fell in love with and they knew what the price tag was. And I think maybe I was hoping that they would be like ÒYou get it and we'll pay for É like, we'll pay for it or we'll throw in the extra moneyÓ or, you know whatever. And that offer never came. 

So I just, I kept what I had and made it work because like I said, we were paying for the majority of our wedding. So and while my father and my stepmother did pay for part of the reception, my husband and I paid for the majority of everything else. I should say he did. He did, because I really wasn't in a position to really offer a whole lot. So money was a huge factor. We had a nice wedding, but it was a huge factor. 

LAUREN: At the end of the day the dress is not the important part of a wedding, but the process of finding a dress tells a lot about you and tells a lot about where your mental state is and how you sort of grow and learn through a process that's really complicated and frustrating for a lot of people, even though it's supposed to be very happy and uplifting and exciting. I'm curious if you felt like you learned something about the process either about yourself or about your family or about anything in the process of doing all of these things that you've just related.

ANGIE: I think it took me a very long time to learn about myself. Like I said, I'm 51 now and I think a lot of this boils down to how I see myself, my self image, you know all of those things that come with it. Because I've grown up and I have always kind of had those things said to you, like, ÒOh, like yeah, you have such a pretty face, itÕs too bad like that you're overweight.Ó I mean, like that kind of thing. So, I think for me, the fact that somebody who was interested and loved me enough to want to marry me. And you know, I kind of got all wrapped up in that and like I was looking for an escape route like really like to get out of my house. So I think part of me was you know, I just want to, I just want to do this thing. Like let's just get this marriage gone done and gone because my husband and I did not want to do the live together thing. So, you know, we didn't do that at all until we were married. 

So, but like I said, looking back on it on it now, I've gone through a lot of physical change as far as you know, where I'm at now with my weight and my size and how I deal with that. So that has been, you know, a huge journey. 

But like I said, I like Look back on that experience. And there's a part of me that's like ÒThat poor girl!Ó you know, like, just I can, I can just remember those feelings and just feeling that I wasn't normal. Because, you know, I couldn't just walk into a store, a bridal shop and be able to choose whatever gown you know, I wanted to try for the most part. Like I had my, my little special section of these few dresses that we would carry that would fit you. And I, you know, I just felt like that was just one more blow to a girl that already didn't have a real love for herself I guess.

And maybe that's one of the reasons why I think that I would definitely change it because I am not that same girl that I was all those years ago, thank goodness! You know, but um, it's funny how like something is É you kind of maybe take for granted like choosing your wedding gown really does weave into the person that you are or that you were at that time. So, and until this came around, I never really thought of it that much. But I did pull out my wedding gown. This morning actually, even though I did sleep in late, I pulled it out of my closet because I've moved it É I don't know how many times we've moved but I've moved it all the time. I never had it, you know, preserved in the box or anything like that. It's just still hanging on the hanger it came with and has like a protector thing over the top of it. 

But I took that thing off the hanger today and I put it on. And I was just like, ÒOoh, well look at this!Ó Like I could have had. And I guess that was the other key too. When I bought my dress, I was like, it did not really need any alterations. So É because I knew that alterations sometimes could exceed the price of your gown. So I forget, I think I did meet like, I found somebody privately, who hemmed it or something she didn't really hardly need anything. 

But I put this gown on this morning. And I stood there. And I thought, ÒNope, still don't like it.Ó But I was just like, ÒOh but look,it would need to be altered now!Ó Like it's too big and you know, that kind of thing. But and then there's a part of me too, that stood there and I'm like, ÒWhy have I kept this thing all of this time?Ó because there's no way that my daughter would ever want to wear it, and then you know, I've heard of people that cut it up, you know, like, what do they take like a strip of it and wrap it around their bouquet or they do something with it. 

But as much as I really don't like that dress, it would kill me to see if somebody started cutting it up. So, I don't know, when the time comes. I mean, my daughter is 20. And when the time comes that she would eventually get married, and if she would approach me and say, like she wanted a part of that dress, or she wanted something, I know that I in my heart, like I would give it to her. I will let her have that and do that to it. But um, I don't know, like I said, as much as I don't like it, and I keep thinking why, why am I even keeping this? 

I can't get rid of it.