CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION TITLE: Be True To Yourself DURATION: 25:06 Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way. Lauren: Today our guest is psychologist, consultant, university instructor and psychological and behavioral healer, Emily van Sonnenberg. She created and taught the very first positive psychology course for UCLA undergrads, and she now teaches the course for UCLA Extension. She received her Bachelor's degree in Psychology from UCLA, as well as a Master's of Applied Positive Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. In her private practice she specializes in helping highly sensitive, empathic, creative, and ambitious people heal and grow. So thank you so much for joining us Emily. And to start, to get us right on in, do you mind telling us a little bit about the phenomenon of enclothed cognition? Emily: Sure, well thanks for having me Lauren. Enclothed cognition is the phenomenon whereby the clothing we wear, specific clothing we wear, has psychological and performance related effects on our behavior. Lauren: So in that vein, can you comment about how that phenomenon is experienced by a bride or groom when they choose their wedding outfit? How do you believe that affects them? Emily: So I think that depending on what a person puts on their body, and how they feel about that, the associations they make to that piece of clothing, the symbolic associations that we make, it's really going to play a different role depending on what they want to experience and what they don't want to experience. So for example, in the research that's done on enclosed cognition, what's been found is that when a person puts on a doctor's coat, and they're told this is a doctor's coat, but then another person is told to put on an artistÕs coat -- like a painter's coat --- but it's same exact coat, what they find is that the people who wore the doctor's coat actually perform better. They have higher levels of attention, and they make fewer errors on a task. So it's really interesting how culturally we view different professions, different clothing, how we judge people based on the clothing they're wearing, or not wearing for that matter. So when it comes to the wedding day, and the bride and the groom, it's totally individual how their clothing is going to affect them. And I think that it's largely based on the intention of the wearer. What are they trying to experience? What is their main priority? So for example, if someone is looking to Òlook goodÓ you know in quotation marks, to others, they may choose a dress or a tux or, you know, jeans and a t-shirt so that they get a response or reaction from other people, which in turn, they're going to react to rather than being driven by their own motivations. And so I think that the key here for having the greatest impact in a positive way on a wedding day is for each individual that's going to be getting married to ask themselves, ÒWhat do I want to experience? What is my true motivation here? How do I want to feel?Ó Lauren: Which is interesting because I don't think a lot of people go into looking for their outfits that way. Personally, I didn't go in looking for my outfit that way. I went in going ÒWell, it has to meet this theme and it has to fit me and I have to be comfortable.Ó And all of those things I guess could fall into the category youÕre saying, which is ÒWhat do you want out of this experience?Ó But I didn't think about it on an emotional level. Emily: Lauren this is such a great point that you make -- that people don't think about the decision about the dress or their tux or whatever it is they choose they're going to wear. But they don't think about it in terms of ÒWhat is the emotional experience I want to have that day in that moment?Ó And what's been found in the research, and this is not only for enclothed cognition, this is for all performance related experiences. It's also really helpful to do this, by the way for travel. So do this for your honeymoons too people! Ask yourself and ask your partner, ÒWhat do I want to experience?Ó So you could list things out such as ÒI want to experience culture.Ó So let's say É let's talk about honeymoon for a second, just to take pressure off so that we can then compare then we'll go into the dress. I want to experience culture and learn something. Okay. And let's say your partner says, ÒI want to relax.Ó Okay. Then let's say then you say, ÒOkay, yeah, I want to be able to swim.Ó Okay. So you write all these things down. Write down every single thing you want to experience. This is actually a method called satisficing. The opposite is called maximizing. What's been found is that people who maximize, meaning ÒI have to have the best of the best.Ó It's not possible to find the best of the best because you can't go to every country and try on every dress in every store in every country. Right? ItÕs also very time consuming, and people who maximize are found to have much higher levels of regret later on after the fact. So people who satisfice can still have really high standards, and you're talking to somebody that has really high standards. I can admit it. But I surely satisficed because I knew that that would give me according to the research, the highest levels of satisfaction that day. So when you go to dress, ask yourself, ÒWhat do I want to experience?Ó And, you know, close your eyes so you can feel it in your body the same way that athletes do and professional athletes and professional artists. They visualize. They visualize the experience they want to have prior. So, you know, assuming that the person can conceive of something realistic and magnificent, visualize it first. Close your eyes and ask ÒWhat do I want to feel? What do I want to experience?Ó Comfort like you said, Lauren? That's important. What else do you want to experience? Until you can't list anything more. Keep asking that question. Then you've made your satisficing list, as well. So you you've done two of the things that are going to really help you create what's meaningful, what's going to be fun, exhilarating, and you'll get the information you need. I hope that answers. Lauren: Absolutely! I think that's something as I've already said that no one generally thinks of first when they're looking for something. And it's some advice that I think could also help not only with satisfaction with your dress, but also like minimizing the regret about it later on. Because I know some brides actually look back and they're like, ÒI liked my outfit, but you know, it wasn't great. It wasn't perfect but it was fine.Ó You know? Emily: Right. Lauren: And there are some of our brides who did think about those emotional sides, but the majority of people, at least that I've experienced talking to, have not. And it's weird for me to look back because I É if I were to do that for myself, it might even be a nice exercise and correct me if IÕm wrong to do for someone whoÕs already been married to look back and go ÒWhy did I choose that and what could I have done better to move forward?Ó And that doesn't mean like, ÒOh, I regret itÓ but more in the sense of like, ÒDid I get out of it what I wanted?Ó Emily: Exactly. Lauren: And what can I do now to get more out of my life using that sort of technique? Emily: Exactly Lauren. Exactly. That's so insightful because it's a way to look back and go ÒOkay, I'm human, you know, and I make the best decisions I can in the moment given the information I have. Hopefully. Fingers crossed.Ó But what can I learn from the experience? And then what can I learn that I can take forward with me so that each of my engagements and what I put on, what I wear, what I say, what I do all has integrity -- is true to me. And I think the key really is integrity -- being true to themselves. Lauren: I think that's what this podcast is trying to do is to help us sort of reflect on those decisions. So I appreciate us like delving even more into it in a psychological way and not just ÒOh, well you know, I wish I had beads.Ó Which you know, beads are great too. Nothing against beads. Emily: Right! Lauren: I'm a maximizer. And I don't want to get too personal here but as a maximizer myself, I identify with you saying like ÒNo, don't do that because you're never going to be satisfiedÓ because that is the reality. I probably went to like 20 shops when I was shopping. Too many. Emily: I get it though. I get you. I mean by nature IÕm the same. I get you. It's hard not to. And there's a real gift I think Lauren in being an individual that believes that greatness and what you can conceive of is possible, because I think then it enables a person and motivates them to pursue what they really want, you know? Lauren: Yeah. Emily: And I think to help with that, that's why the satisficing component and the visualizing is so kind of magical, but also logical. Lauren: Mm hmm. Emily: Because you visualize your greatest dream and then you write down all of these practical, measurable things that you can do to meet your dream, you know? Lauren: Yeah. It's almost like a maximizer is someone who's not thinking in an emotional state and the satisficing side of that is being able to do both. To take the logic of an emotion and say ÒYou know what? We can run with that.Ó Emily: Exactly. How do I make this practical? Lauren: Yeah. Emily: How do I make this possible? Absolutely. You're right on. Lauren: And I guess another thing I'm interested about is we're sort of talking along these lines of being able to find you know, happiness or satisfaction out of this experience. But you specialize in happiness so I'm curious É how do we define happiness? Emily: Great question. So there are different ways that happiness is defined. And the way though that scientifically primarily it's looked at is that there are five components that make up happiness: positive emotions, relationships, meaning and purpose, engagement and meaningful accomplishment. And when they talk about positive emotions it doesn't mean that you eradicate negative emotions. That will surely leave a person unhappy, because that's not a whole life. That's not a whole real human experience. The component for true deep happiness largely deals with being engaged in what you love, having the balance of positive and negative, but knowing how to be resilient with those and pursuing what you love to do. Now, they'd say that the biggest contributor to happiness is social support and your social relationships. So that component is also quite important, but the part that you are largely in control of because you can't control other people, right? But largely in control of are your daily intentional behaviors: what you think, how you behave, how you react. And what's been found is that only 10% of happiness is the result of circumstance. 50% is due to genetics and 40% is due to intentional behavior. Now the cool thing about the 50% and the 40% -- the 50% genetics and the 40% intentional behavior -- is there are studies on neuroplasticity that find that, for example, people who meditate actually end up changing the neural pathways in their brain. So you actually have control over changing some of the 50% of your genes. So stop blaming your genes, everybody, you know what I mean? You've got more control than that. But truly, this deep level of happiness is largely going to depend on fulfillment. I'm going to call it fulfillment because I think that that's a better, more accurate word. Happiness can just be, you know, you can be happy for five minutes and then it's fleeting. And then you're sad. Your happiness is based on your relative previous experience. So if you were sad -- say you were sad yesterday and today you feel happy -- that's because you had maybe less happiness yesterday. So what we're looking for is more deep fulfillment. And that deep fulfillment largely comes through meaning and purpose, which is connecting the past with the future in the present. Pursuing things that you love. Not accomplishing things, pursuing things that you love, you know? Because it's the day to day! When we look at marriage and weddings, people will often just care about the one day. But what about the process leading up to it? If it's hell, what is the point? And what happens after that day that you've accomplished the wedding? Then what? You know, are we are we looking at the quality of the relationship? So when people say, ÒOh, my parents have been married for 40 years.Ó I go ÒGreat. Are they happy?Ó You know? The number doesn't really matter. Lauren: With a wedding gown specifically, so sorry guys for a second É unless guys want to wear their wedding gown which totally fine, it's something that women dream about as kids. They think about it as little girls typically. Do you think that our society puts an undue amount of emphasis on getting married versus having fulfilment from it and working towards something like that? Emily: Great question Lauren. Yes, yes, yes! Absolutely I think our culture puts undue pressure on just getting married. Because what's the point of marriage? Really itÕs like putting even the word aside. You know what about just finding the person that you're supposed to be with that really fulfills you in the ways that you value? And you fulfilling that person in the ways that they value? And coming together? And I think that, you know, our Western culture is quite outcome oriented. And it does put a lot of pressure on accomplishment and achievement. And that's not usually what lasts in terms of happiness. It is that day to day -- it's that pursuit. It's life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And it's important that that's taken really seriously because it's the pursuit that makes up our daily life. Our life is a multitude of moments combined. And these moments make up how we feel. And how we judge those moments from a cognitive perspective is how we rate our lives. And so, how we feel, and then how we judge how we feel, is really ultimately how happiness is measured. And so if you don't enjoy these moments that lead up to finding your partner, and then the moments afterwards, then I'm not sure that the focus is in the best place for long term happiness. Lauren: The small decisions that we make, like choosing a wedding outfit, instead of maximizing our decision we can use techniques to emotionally connect with what we want. If we emotionally connect with what we want as we're making these decisions leading up to this big, you know, societally important day do you think those little decisions actually feed into the success or unsuccess of the eventual marriage? Emily: Oh wow, what an interesting question. Let me think for a moment. Great question. That's hard for me to answer because I do think that every individual and every individualÕs marriage is so unique. While human behavior is quite predictable, I do think that the approach by which an individual or two individuals take towards their marriage will impact them in the present moment and in the future. And let's presume for a moment that these two individuals that we're talking about are resilient, have what's called a growth mindset where they know that they can learn from mistakes and obstacles and come together as a team in the future and communicate. Then I would say that the little things do make a big difference. Yes. Because it's also found that these little moments amongst couples -- small moments of gratitude, not these big moments of like ÒIt's our anniversaryÓ or ÒIt's my birthdayÓ -- it's the small things every day that have the greatest impact on relationship satisfaction. So expressions of gratitude daily. Even just the small gratitude of ÒGod, this being is in my life and I feel so grateful.Ó And the other one expressing that too. You know, not taking things for granted not feeling entitled, I think that these little things do make quite a big difference. And I think if the little things are overlooked, the little good things which are overlooked, I know that really impacts marital satisfaction later on. Lauren: That's what I assumed but I was curious what your opinion was. For me, it's almost this thought of how can we survive life if we can't survive the little decisions leading up to a big event. Emily: Absolutely. That's such a great question because those are the nuts and bolts of it. The decisions daily. And these decisions we make every day do impact our happiness. You know largely I think happiness is a result of decision making. How wise are our decisions and then our subsequent behavior, you know? And the other thing that I think is really important to recognize with wedding dress selection or with any complex decision is that the mind, our cognitive functioning, is not separate from our emotional life. They really do coexist. And we cannot make a decision without utilizing both. It's just not possible because we're a whole human. So something that's really important that's been found in the research regarding these decisions, because these are decisions, all of these little things are just decisions. So how do I go about making wise decisions that are in line with my values? What's been found for complex decisions, and I'd say that picking a dress is a first world problem, but it's complex in that moment. And back to what I said, as I suggested visualization and then I suggested satisficing. And then once you meet your satisficing list you pretty much know what you want. But sleep on it, because what's been found is that for complex decisions that the intuitive part of your decision making self is going to make the decision that is most fulfilling. So sleep on it too. Allow your unconscious self to inform you about just what feels right. Lauren: Do you think sometimes the way that you satisfice or the way you visualize what you need changes over time? Emily: Absolutely. Absolutely the way that you visualize or satisfice can change. So I think that what's most important across the span of time is that a person is very clear on their values. You know, a person can change. We grow, we change, but it's important I think to know your values and not flip flop on those. If your values are intact, youÕre probably not going to have much regret in life, assuming that you act on your yalues and that integrity and that you've made decisions based on those values and that integrity. You know you're making me think of something really valuable that's been found in the research in terms of having less regret and increasing positive emotions about our past decisions and our past experiences. And there's something called retrospective savoring. And so for example, maybe a year after your wedding you pull out some of the photos and you sit with your partner. And you go, ÒOh, my God, look at this beautiful place where we got married! Look at your beautiful dress! You look stunning! I love the way you did your hair. Do you remember what we felt? Do you remember when that dog went down the aisle and then it peed on the floor?Ó You know what I mean? And so there's a lot of laughter and fun that you get to have with your partner. Or you do it with your mother or your friends, your bridesmaids, however you've constructed the day. But that you go back and you appreciate again those little things. And that retrospective savoring has been found to be quite a powerful inducer of positive emotions and relationship connection and enhancement. So, thanks for making me think of that. Lauren: Thank you for sharing it because I think that's beautiful. I think a lot of traditions are based around that without knowing that they're doing that, like saving a piece of cake in the freezer or, you know, preserving the dress. So it's interesting to have it, you know, contextualized as this is a healthy thing to do for your relationship, not just a tradition. Emily: Right! ÒOh I wish I was back there again!Ó Exactly, it's healthy! Lauren: I'm wondering if you have any last advice for people who are about to go through this kind of process of making these big life changing decisions. I mean, getting married is a complicated one in your life. Emily: Be honest with yourself -- like really honest with yourself about the person you're choosing. When in doubt, don't do it. The research has found that brides who walk down the aisle who are nervous and have doubt that there's a greater likelihood of divorce. So be honest with yourself about every aspect of the person you're choosing because at the end of the day that's what it's about. And then be honest with yourself about how you want to feel that day. Not how your mom wants you to feel, how your dad wants you to feel, how your in laws want you to feel, whatever you know your family's cultural history and ancestors want you to feel. Forget that. ItÕs your day, so be honest with yourself and be true to yourself.