CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION
TITLE: Blessed
DURATION: 19:16

Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, itÕs based on religious traditions, and for others itÕs a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love.Ê

Hi, IÕm Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits.Ê Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey.Ê

As they share their stories, theyÕll help us unravel the mystique that exists around choosing that special outfit, and what they learned about themselves along the way.

Alyssa: So my name is Alyssa. I am 32 years old. I work as a compliance trainer, which I love. I've been in the role for just over two years at this company, and I've really enjoyed growing and learning how to help people and with the current climate it just really hits you right now so ...

Mike and I met online. We met on a dating website probably 10 years ago now. I was going to Rowan. He had recently graduated from Rowan, we should have crossed paths because of some of the ways that we were in classes and buildings, but we never did. We had our first date in Glassboro and then just kind of hanging out ever since.

Lauren: Did you have any issues with it socially at the time because that was relatively new at that point.

Alyssa: I don't think I told anybody. I mean my best friend knew, my mom definitely didn't know. I think that stigma has been gone for awhile. I like laugh when I tell people ÒIt's weird, but like I probably walked by him.Ó 

But when you think about it  -- that whole way of thinking and the way of doing things -- I was 22 years old! I had no business trying to find a husband. You know what I mean? I was still in college. What was I trying to do? I don't know, but to have met Mike then and then to look who we are now and what we have now É we must have talked about the right things or something because we got a lot out that first night. We were there for probably like three and a half, four hours just talking and drinking and connecting and learning and we're still really, really good about communicating.

Mike and I got married in 2016 so this year will be four years and that sounds super gross out loud. ItÕs so funny because I still feel like it was five minutes ago that we got married and we had this beautiful connection of everything É then to think about all the things that have happened since.  It's such an interesting perspective.

Lauren: When you think about your wedding, your husband, and your dress, what is the first thing that pops into your head. 

Alyssa: Glitter. Mostly about the wedding and the dress, not so much Mike. But that also I think summarizes me. I was trying to come up with words when I was planning my wedding. And that was the first one. I was like, ÒI don't care what else happens, I just want it to be bubbly and glittery and funÓ and that was what I wanted.

Every little girl thinks about her wedding, but I would always draw the same kind of dress. And my mom like has a doodle she found. It was like a ball gown, and I was like ÒOh I don't know. I don't know if I could wear a ball gown.Ó And I tried a couple of them on and that was what clicked. 

And I guess if we're looping Mike in, the word fun would help too with him. Because we always have fun, whether we're in the car or weÕre with family or just at the grocery store. That is who we are as a couple so glitter and fun are probably the first two things I would think about.

Lauren: So how did you incorporate glitter and fun into your wedding?

Alyssa: I guess we could start with the dress because that was really where the glitter began.  My mom's mom had passed away. And this is where I start to get a little choked up because this is like the big thing. She passed away and she had put money aside that none of us knew about. It was for me, my sister and my cousin and it literally said ÒFor your wedding.Ó 

So I did go to a chain store first. You know, I grabbed my bridesmaids and we made a whole thing of it. We all wore t-shirts because again, that's who I am. Everybody's gonna match, we're gonna make it weird and fun É not just weird but fun! And we all went to the chain store and you know my mom, my aunt, my sister, my cousin É really beautiful dresses, but they weren't right. I was happy but wasn't there just quite yet. 

And I'm a bigger girl so sometimes when you go places you're not always going to find what you're looking for because that's not the genre or the person that they make dresses for. So I thought that chain store would have been that, but it just wasn't it.

So my sister suggested that we go to Kleinfeld and I was like ÒI'm not doing that. I don't want to do that. That's crazy to spend that much money on a wedding dress.Ó But she said ÒLet's just go.Ó She's like ÒLet's just go.Ó 

So we go. 

The person we had the appointment with was from Howell, New Jersey and my family's from Jackson, New Jersey. So I was like, ÒWell, this is great. She's gonna get that Jersey sassy attitude É like she's gonna get me.Ó So I put on three dresses and that third dress was it. There's a picture, and again I don't know if I can find it, but my auntÕs reflection in the mirror É she's just crying, sobbing holding her face the second I walk out the door.

And at first I didn't want to like it. I was like, ÒI'm not gonna buy a dress here. I'm not going to do it. This is crazy, it's irrational!Ó You know, like I worked all through college. I always had jobs. I always supported myself so I just thought it was crazy to do something like that. But then when I put on that dress, knowing that my grandmother did that and knowing that I didn't have to think about it, I was like ÒThis is it.Ó I got the dress that I loved so I was really, really thankful for that.

But to this day when I tell the story I tell everybody ÒDonÕt start there. Don't start with a $5,000 dress in your head, because then you're not going to be open to anything else.Ó I was open to $100 wedding dress. If you would have asked my mom about my wedding she would have said we would be eating ribs outside and I would be wearing a white dress from Target. 

Literally until the day we bought the dress that's what she would have said, because to me it wasn't always about that. But as soon as I put on that dress everything else fell into place. It's glittery but it's also a little lacy and it has these beautiful accents. And then we found earrings from my Nana who passed that went with the dress. It just É it all came together at that moment. 

Finding that dress at that place É not in my wildest dreams would I ever think I would be there, let alone buying a dress from there. And of course, my sister was loving it because people from the show are there and you're like, ÒOh my God I don't even know what that is!Ó And I feel bad because I don't know who that is but I don't know who that is! But it was definitely a beautiful experience because it was a luxury experience that I wasn't anticipating. They really take care of you. You get what you pay for. 

Lauren: There's this dress designer who said what she loves about wedding gowns, is that it's almost purely emotional and not at all practical. And I feel like that's what a lot of us think of when we think about a wedding gown, or at least a dream wedding gown. But when you did put on that third luxury experience wedding gown, could you speak to the emotional state that you went through?

Alyssa: So again, I'm going to start to cry because it's super cheesy but I looked like myself. 
It didn't take away from the person that I am, because a dress can swallow you. And you can try to fit yourself into a dress but it didnÕt make me feel that way. Like, I felt like myself.

Some people think they have to create this big illusion about what they need to look like on their wedding day, but I was like, ÒThis is me. This is my dress.Ó Mike is going to look at me and be like, ÒThat's my wife.Ó That was my first reaction when I saw the dress. This is my dress. This is not something I'm trying to like make myself into or I have to do anything crazy with my hair or my makeup to like make this work. It just was. 

And I think that sense of normalcy was why it worked because I put on some dresses that were a little wild and a little crazy just to see and I was like, ÒThis isnÕt who I am.Ó And when I had that on I was like, ÒThis is me.Ó He's going to look at me and be like, ÒThis is my life, this is everything that this day is about. It's about us.Ó I canÕt stop crying!

Lauren: No it's good! It's good to know that it was so important to you that you even think about it emotionally É I mean you said four years later. ThatÕs how strong you feel about it. Since your grandmother so lovingly gave you and your other family members money for this do you feel like she was there as well? Do you think that contributed?

Alyssa: Oh yeah! So my Nana was the littlest thing! She was like five foot nothing with the biggest attitude so anytime I do something ridiculous or I walk into a wall or I drop something or I just forget what I'm doing I know that's her kind of signaling me back! But I know 100% she was there because it was such É it was such a beautiful and easy day and I know she was there for sure.

Lauren: That's so beautiful that you had that opportunity and I know you're getting emotional hearing that, and I appreciate that you're so open with us. And I'm curious also, do you think the drawing that you had done as a child, do you think that fit the bill of what the reality became?

Alyssa: Yeah, and that's the thing. I didn't think that's what I was going to get. I thought I was going to get a sleek, ruchy, very É and then I put on that dress É I'm like ÒThis is crazy!Ó It's that Cinderella idea that you always have when youÕre little, then you kind of drift away from that into reality when you become an adult. And you're like, ÒWell, not everyoneÕs going to look like that.Ó And then you get this chance to see if that is what it is. And then you're like, ÒWow, like this is always just been in my head and É and it clicks and it's crazy!Ó

Lauren: So moving a little bit forward in the timeline. Could you speak a little bit about the day that you put it on? A.K.A. your wedding day. Was there a reveal or did he see you at the end of the aisle, just a little bit about that.

Alyssa: He did not see it. I didn't give him hints. I didn't even tell them what color was going to be because I also thought I'd be wearing a pink dress. Like I 100% thought it was going to be like wild. But he did not see it. It was at my mom's house literally until two days before. 

WeÕre not very traditional. We lived together before we got married, but there's some things that were like really, really important and keeping that until the day of was something that I really wanted to do É and with my dad. So like my mom obviously saw it, my bridesmaids saw it, a couple of my close friends who like I couldn't wait, I showed them. But my dad and my husband did not see it until the day of.

I did first looks with both of them because I wanted that moment. And I have pictures of them both crying. So I definitely want to say this, they are not like emotional mushy, gushy -- like no! Mike, he sees the picture and heÕs like ÒI don't remember doing that.Ó I'm like ÒYes you do!Ó 

That moment where he saw me and I saw him, our photographer got that picture, that's what I had in my head when I put on that dress. I knew it was me that he was looking at in this beautiful dress, but we're here together. It was really, really beautiful that first look that he and I did. 

Lauren: I think there are two different things, which I'm discovering as I go through these interviews. There's the perfect dress and there's the dream dress. And they can be the same, but sometimes they're not. And I'm curious what your definition of that is.

Alyssa: Yeah, so I think dream is the thing that you thought of your entire life. And any of the components of the dress, whether it's a certain type a veil, or your hair a certain way, or red bottom shoes É like that is your dream. That is the thing you always just look forward to.

But then in perfect, I think we almost take ourselves out of it because perfect could be something that other people have that you don't have, right? Like I definitely saw some dresses on some people from weddings that I've been to. And I'm like, ÒThat is perfectÓ but it wouldn't have been perfect for me because it wouldn't look like that on me. Or I said the opposite, like, ÒOh, she could probably do better than thatÓ because I know how beautiful that person is.

So I think dream is the thing that's out there in the world that youÕve thought of and then I think perfect is taking ourselves out of the equation and just envisioning all of the components of the wedding. 

I think for me I got really, really close to my dream being my perfect when I put on that dress because there was literally a picture that I drew like as a kid. Put little like dots in the bodice like the whole thing because when you're little you think about it. But when you're 17 youÕre not always thinking about that. When you're 19, 20 graduating from college, finding a job, like that's where your head's at. You're not always thinking about those things and then to come full circle on that, itÕs just really cool.

Lauren: Do you feel like a person's choice of what they wear reflects who they are or what they want to say? Because you're on display during a wedding. YouÕre unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your personality, you're putting on a show. And do you think a person's choice of attire says something about them?

Alyssa: I do. For me, like I said, a lot of the dresses that I saw for my size were not very shapely. And I was like ÒUgh!Ó I want to be on display. I want to show my chest area. I like that part of me. I want to feel like myself.

But then I look at my sister who is engaged now and getting married next year and all of her choices, even though they were beautiful and glittery, they were more reserved. But then this last one she puts on it's got the V in the middle and the thing that I'm like, ÒExcuse me!Ó 

So I think when you decide the parts that you're comfortable with and showing to people and and wanting to display, like you said, I think those are big factors too because when somebody's comfortable with their body they're going to do different things versus somebody who's not, wedding dress or not.  You're going to wear jeans or you're going to wear leggings. That's an everyday decision that we all make right?

But I think taking yourself into consideration and what other people may see right? Like if you're a very conservative person you have a very conservative family you're going to, you're going to take those things into consideration, but I really didn't. I was just like ÒNope, that's it. This fits me like me. That's it.Ó

Lauren: Do you think your dress found you, or do you think that you found it?

Alyssa: I originally thought I'd be wearing two dresses because I was going to be so hot, but I wore that thing the whole time. I wanted to sleep in it. Mike was like ÒNo, you have to take it off! You're not going to sleep, you're already so warm!Ó I was like ÒOkay.Ó

But I looked at a lot of dresses. I only went to one other place, but I looked at a lot of dresses and I was just like, ÒThis isn't it.Ó Because I didn't even favorite the dresses that were going to be on display that day, my sister did that. Just bringing all these other things to my attention and everything else had a reason why I didn't like it. And then I put that on and it was like, ÒHere! Hello! I've been standing here this entire time! Where are you been?Ó I definitely think it found me because it took a while to get to it.

It just feels like so crazy. I never planned any of this. And then for again my grandmother to be thinking about me, for my sister to be helping me, for all those things to just organically happen. And you always want them to but you can't create a lot of those scenarios. Things just happen. It's really cool. I've been very lucky.

Lauren: Do you think you learned anything from the whole process?

Alyssa: Yep, I think the thing that I learned is it's important to always stay true to what you think and what you need. Because like I said I was not going to do that. I was not going to spend that money on a dress to wear one time and then that was it. And I still feel that way because while that dress was gorgeous and beautiful, it didn't change the day. It didn't change Mike, it didn't change our story, it didn't change anything other than the fact that I was really lucky to have somebody think about me without me ever knowing it. 

It was never a thought in my head that she wouldn't be there with me. Neither one of my grandmother's were there, they both passed before we got married but when somebody gets money or gets a luxury item or does things that are a little bit far out it's very easy for them to stay in that lane and think that like everything is just going to be that way where they're that privileged. Especially right now. Like you can't take those things for granted. So that's the thing that I reminded myself like I'm never going to need anything other than the things that I already have. And if there's extra things or there's extra privileges that I get, it's because of other people or saving that I did. Not because I deserve them. It's because I earned them.

I just feel so lucky that I had that opportunity and that she thought about us. All of us in that way, right? While I a million percent would have preferred that she was there with me to like hold my hand, I'm É both of my grandmother's like my dad's mom as well like É I know that these things couldn't have happened without it. So as much as É as much as I would have loved that like this added to the memory. This adds to the story. This adds to what I get to tell my kids what I get to tell my grandkids like É you know, something that we could try to pass down. I don't know the what the future holds, but like if I were able to surprise somebody who I love with something like so beautiful and so thoughtful that nobody knew about É like nobody knew! I think that would be something I would be so privileged and lucky to do for my family!

Lauren: This story is so inspiring and also so heart melting. And I've put this heart melt word on to this, but do you have a word that you would sum up all of your experience with?

Alyssa: Yeah, I actually have like a thing in my guest room. It just says blessed and I think that's the only word because none of these things were because of anything that I did, or asked for, or like stomped my feet for, it was just something that somebody did to help somebody else and wanting to give to somebody else. So I just É that's like the thing. Hashtag blessed. ThatÕs what we say because you can only receive good things if you put good things out. 

So just blessed.