CHOOSING YOUR REFLECTION TITLE: The Essence of Who We Are DURATION: 31:10 Getting married is an event that holds a different meaning for everyone. For some, its based on religious traditions, and for others its a validation of an earlier choice they made to live with that special someone they love. Hi, Im Lauren, and welcome to Choosing Your Reflection; a series of discussions that reflect upon the reasons we have for choosing our wedding day outfits. Our guests are diverse, but they all share a common journey. Lauren: Welcome! Today we have Mike Iamele. Mike thought he was a straight man his entire life but a life changing illness forced him to challenge that notion head on when he fell in love with his male caretaker. The two of them went on a years long journey to explore sexuality and fluidity to figure out if the relationship could work. When he chose to blog about his relationship, he had no idea that 100,000 people would share the post overnight, and that he'd wake up to millions of people talking about his sex life. For nearly a decade, Mike has helped people to identify their essence through a process he calls sacred branding. In short, he is a purpose plus branding strategist. Welcome, Mike! We're so happy to have you today! Mike: Thanks for having me here! Lauren: I know you have so much in your story and we could talk about so many different elements, but when you were planning your wedding, I would love to hear about how outfits came into play and what kind of effects they had on your planning process. Mike: Yeah, well, in a big way! You know, there aren't that many models for how a same sex couple does this, and certainly not in a Caribbean wedding. So we were getting married in Aruba on the beach and we had to figure out kind of how much do we match. Do we match too much or not enough? And how do we incorporate all of the elements of who we are as people. You know, I try to be a very intentional person so everything about our wedding was really imbued with intention. You know, my grandparents had been going to Aruba since the 70s. And this was an important place for me. it's a place that I've gone every year of my life. About six years, maybe, before we got married my husband started coming with our family and it was his kind of recognition that he was being welcomed into the family. And I thought, what better way to start a life together than to welcome everybody into the family. And so we had a 50 person wedding. It was three days in Aruba and it was really, really just amazing. Because my thinking was, you know, I don't know that my uncle on this side is going to ever meet Garrett, my husbands aunt on that side, right ever again, except for maybe a funeral. You know, knock on wood doesn't happen. So, you know, we thought this was beautiful, because this is the story of who we are. And I think every element of our wedding, including the people there were part of the story of telling who we are and how we got to this moment. And of course, our clothing was a huge piece of that. And our rings, especially. And so before I talk about the actual clothing, I want to talk about the rings. I'm wearing my ring now, obviously, and they're very, very sacred. And before I tell this, I want to tell you, I mentioned I'm psychotically intentional, so you will see just how psychotic that gets! But we knew that the rings, although you know most people probably spend the least on the rings well okay, most same sex couples probably spend the least on the rings. I think women's rings tend to be very expensive the wedding bands, I should say. But we wanted these to be really symbolic because they're the thing we carry forward, you know, even after the wedding after, you know, the cake, and all these things are done, theres still the wedding ring. And so we chose to get custom made rings of three materials. And so they're meteorite, white gold, and the white gold is made with gold and palladium, and the reason for that this is where it gets psychotically intentional is meteorite for me symbolized a connection bigger than this earth. And because meteorite can't be broken, the ring has to be built around it. So it's a completely unbroken strand of rock that's built around it. And palladium. I'm a little bit of a history geek here. Palladium was first used in ancient Greece. And so this was known as Pallas Athena, the Goddess Pallas Athena. It was a carving of her in the city of Troy. And as legend has it, the Greeks knew that they could not get in and kill destroy the city if they didn't get the Palladium; she was protecting the city. And so they somehow stole that even before the Trojan horse. And so that's how they got the Trojan horse in. Then this palladium found its way into Aeneas possession and he brought it to Rome and he buried it under the Vestal Virgins temple. And then we got engaged in Italy, we went to that temple in the middle of Rome. And after that Constantine took it across the world to modern day Istanbul, and that's about when Rome started to fall. And so this word palladium has always been the protector of sacred things. And when this left the cities, those cities collapsed. And for me, I know I'm really crazy here, but for me this was so important as a part of my story, that every day I wear this around my finger. That this is a sacred thing being protected, and that there's an unbroken strand of, you know, meteor of universal energy that's on me for a connection bigger than this earth. And so, okay, the outfits are a little bit lighter than that! So our outfits, you know, we really wanted to we wanted to have fun with them but we also wanted to kind of express our unique personalities and our personalities as a couple. And we had such a great honor of walking into our wedding planners office. And because we got married in Aruba, we had everything done a year in advance. And because we are psychotic, in case you haven't figured that out, we did everything ourselves. So we didn't even use our wedding planner like at all. I didn't even know what they could do. I just thought like, I'll do it. And she said, Every choice you picked on this island is my number one choice for you except for transportation. That would have been my number two choice, but you did a good job. This is right. But when she looked at us, she said, But flowers, you are blue hydrangeas and white calla lilies. You are elegant and effortless. That's what I want for you. I said Okay, we like that. Simple, elegant, that's good. And so we wanted to really capture that in our outfits. And so we chose to use a blue to match the hydrangeas to wear our blue suede shoes. And so we wore, you know, blue suede drivers. And we wore linen of course, because this is a beach wedding. So tailored linen, both of us. But I chose to wear no jacket, just a white shirt with my sleeves rolled up and suspenders and a blue bow tie. And my husband wore a vest that matched his linen pants with a necktie. And so that way we had this kind of not too matchy-matchy, I hope. But I think also I'm a little bit more whimsical and he's a little bit more buttoned up and we wanted to actually articulate that. And so I have to tell you one thing before I shut up here, and that is the for me, this isn't exactly an outfit, but at our ceremony we got married on the beach. And the of course in Aruba, the way it works is you want the beautiful sunset in your pictures. So normally, the couple would be kind of facing the same way as the audience and the officiant would be facing back towards the audience. But in Aruba that's reversed because you want the couples, you know, to be facing against the sunset so you have these gorgeous pictures. So I wanted to play with this. So we had the audience, then we had the officiant who's looking the same way as the audience, and then we were the only ones looking the other way. And I thought, well, we have the most important people here; why don't we include them in the ceremony? And so when people arrived in Aruba, I asked them to each, you know, walk the beach at some point and pick up a shell or a stone that spoke to them, just something that they felt called to, and bring it to the ceremony. And when they brought to the ceremony, my sister and my husband's brother created a line with these shells and stones. And so when we walked down the aisle we stepped over them. And these stones were now the only thing separating me and Garrett from the officiant and the rest of the wedding; there was a line there. And when my sister announced us she was the officiant when she announced us, she announced us with everything that brought us to this moment. Every person who was here that was an important part of our life. Garrett's ex-girlfriend was at our wedding. I mean, people who have a really significant part of our life and brought us to where we are, that we're not just stepping over this, as just us. We're stepping over this with everything; with family and joy and sadness, and deceased relatives, and all of these moments that bring us to who we are as we are today. Lauren: What an amazing story just off the bat! So much to unpack! And I'm so excited about it so thank you for sharing all of that immense detail, which I love! And to start, I love how your rings encompass sort of not only the intention that you clearly have for everything that you do, but the intent that you had that sort of combines the science with the history with the personal all in one. And I wonder leading that into your outfits that you wore for this enormous day that you've drawn a picture of for us, I want to know how you sort of combined those. What were your decisions around that as well? Mike: Yeah! You know, I think that we had the options because we were kind of doing research on what do same sex couples wear at beach weddings. And Pinterest was sort of helpful, but not that helpful. There weren't a lot of good examples of this. And so we were thinking linen at first because in the essence of what our wedding planner had talked about with the flowers, this idea of us being simple but elegant. Something very refined, but not kind of, you know, just like our rings. I mean, our rings, unless you look close, they're very nondescript. They're not flashy or showy but there's deep intention within them. And we thought that, you know, linen really captured this idea for us, because it was something that was still pants, we still get to be in somewhat of a suit. We're not in shorts or anything. But yet there's something light and simple about it. And so that really felt like that thread kind of weaved through. And we love the idea of, you know, something blue, right? This is a concept that's talked about so much in weddings. And if we're going to keep it simple, and keep it classic in so many way, and, you know, being a same sex couple in Aruba, you know, this, something really interesting about being both radical and traditional at the same time. And that really spoke to me about who I think I am as a person. And so, you know, in our rings, right, we have meteorite which is this very modern metal, it was only discovered in the 70s, at least the meteorite that fell to earth and that's being used for jewelry. And then we have palladium, which is from, you know, the Trojan War. And so blending these things of what is, you know, historical or traditional, and what is maybe more radical or innovative felt interesting to me. And so linen is this very classic material and we then we're pulling upon these kinds of blue suede shoes, or these blue shoes. But these were very modern, interesting shoes. And that felt fun to us to play with. And it felt fun to play with these, you know, me being in a bow tie and him in a necktie so that we were kind of having a conversation. It wasn't so matchy-matchy, but it was how can we be individuals and be a unit at once? I think that's really the core of any couple, right? Its that you are at a wedding taking on an identity of a couple but you're also individuals and you want to express both of those things at the same time. And I think in many, you know, heterosexual relationships, often the bride probably has more say or more personality in the actual wedding. And because we didn't have that, you know, blessing and curse -- there are both sides to that story we were able to have more fun with it and play with how do we express ourselves in very similar outfits, but slight differences. And for me, it was really you know, Garrett is a more buttoned up person than I am. I'm much more you know, free spirited if you can't tell. So him wearing that buttoned up vest told some of that story, even if you know I think my mom said to me at one point like nobody is going to notice any of these details only you will notice that and I said I absolutely agree with you, but they'll feel it! And that's the important thing for me. Lauren: 100% I'm so glad you said that because that is really what it is, clothing and the way that we present ourselves or share ourselves with the world. Mike: Oh, absolutely. And you know, I think that we knew there was a little bit of a gamble here, you know, asking people to fly to Aruba. And granted, we send out save the dates a year in advance, and we bought a few tickets; we really tried to support everybody in getting there, but we knew is a big ask. And we knew that we are, you know, a culinary people. I didn't care about dancing. I didn't care about music, but I needed the most delicious meal because most weddings, the food sucks, like I'm gonna be honest with you. And I thought that is not our wedding. So we rented out part of this beautiful villa and had this garden party three course meal. So I knew theres pretension all over this; I need to make this feel like us. And so it was all served family style and everything about it was you know, casual and fun. And we had coloring books for the kids and kids were putting flowers in everyone's hair. And like, this was the energy I really wanted. And I wanted even in our outfits, how do we articulate that, that there is whimsy. That theres fun in classic but we're also fun and radical. And I think I think I hope that we accomplish that through what we wore. Lauren: Speaking of the intent that you had for all of these elements did you have any requests for your guests as well for their what they were wearing? Did you have like, what kind of style did you go with? And were you adamant that everyone did that? Or were you more free flow because clearly it has to sort of package in with what you were planning. Mike: Sure. You know, I think beach weddings are just hard because we said beach formal, but there's still this great, you know, gamut of what that means for a lot of different people. And so luckily, we only had 50 people. There was definitely a lot of like through the grapevine. Like What are you wearing? What are you wearing? conversation. And so we could use our moms to kind of prime people for what we wanted people to wear. And I think that for most of it, it was you know a sort of free but you know a lot of maxi dresses for the women a lot of the guys you know some guys wear shorts most wore you know linen pants and a button-down shirt with sleeves rolled up. So we wanted them to also feel this kind of free, fun energy. But also this is a wedding. And this was something that we wanted it to be an elegant affair. I mean, we had you know the moment that people I just have to tell you this moment, I've never said this an interview before. So we called the restaurant so that the moment our transportation arrived at the restaurant waiters were coming out with our signature cocktail. And the restaurant is on this dingy street and it's all covered by trees. And you walk in and this secret garden just emerges. And at the moment that this garden emerges someone's walking up to you with a cocktail that was designed for us, which was just very simple strawberry liqueur, champagne and fresh strawberries. And it was just something that was very refreshing. And you can kind of take in the view of this villa while you are enjoying it. And that was sort of the energy I wanted people to feel that this is elegant, this is beautiful, but it's also very casual and free and so in their outfits. And I think most people really felt that but they were able to wear something that made them feel beautiful and powerful and confident but also not restricted. Lauren: I feel like I missed out on a great wedding! Mike: You missed it! We want to do a five year reunion because we had so much fun and that's coming up next year so there's still time for you! Lauren: I'm also extremely jealous because as a bride to be I always wanted a beach wedding! I always wanted a beach wedding, I'm actually getting an urban wedding. It's gonna be lovely. But I always wanted to and so when I hear you describe this, I'm sitting here going like Maybe we could replan it! Mike: You know you can always renew your vows and do something super small. Lauren: I'm just lamenting my own little moment. But leaning into this beautiful image that you've created I want to know, getting more into the details of less specifically your wedding, but just the concept of the wedding experience as a whole and what we wear to that, what do you think tradition versus radicalism or changing the mold, how do you think that translates? And how do you think people should be approaching the wedding experience because it is such a stressful time for so many people? Mike: So I have a maybe a hot take. That's what the kids call it today. Right? Which is, you know, I was really specific. And I realized this is a privilege thing and not everyone has the ability to do this. But I didn't want my parents or Garrett's parents have a huge say on everything that we did. Our intention was, you know, we are planning this wedding, this is going to be the wedding of our dreams, we will find a way to pay for it. If you'd like to give us a gift we will generously accept it. But we are not, you know, that's not declaring what we're doing in our wedding. And I think that, you know, seeing some of my friends who even in their outfits or their dresses, or their suits, wearing things that maybe don't represent them I've seen quite a bit of and so not that they didn't have lovely weddings, I think they all did. But I just think there's something special about this. For me it felt like an art exhibit. How do I tell the story of who I am and who we are as a couple. We didn't have dancing, although we had a party bus a few nights before; that was our dancing. We didn't have you know, some of the traditional elements but we wanted to really be true to who are we as a couple and how would we, if we were playing the greatest party, we could, how would we articulate that. And so I think that's part of it for me. Now that being said, and that's probably more on the radical side, that being said, you know, as far as outfits, I love going to a wedding and dressing up for a wedding. And one thing I'm really a big fan of for men these days is no tie. I think it's so fun to have a suit and a shirt with no tie on if it's appropriate for the wedding. I think it's more casual. I think it's a little sexier. I think that this is a look that's really popular. And I am a huge fan of whole cut leather shoes. So like the completely leather, no cut in it at all. I just think it's so sharp. It's so and I will say I'm like one of those people. This is the most annoying thing about me that I do wear them to every wedding. And I know that they're nice shoes. So I have been complimented by the groom a few times. I know that's like a crappy thing right? You're not supposed wear white or whether you're not supposed to upstage anyone. I don't think I've ever upstaged anyone, believe me, but I do really like whole cut leather. I just think it's a really beautiful, sexy look. Lauren: And I really I like what you said about being able to speak to who you are during your big day, and that you've seen so many people not have that opportunity or, or fall almost to the wayside within their own event because of the outside forces. And I wonder did you experience any kind of clearly you got what you wanted but did you have any outside forces that sort of tried to fight you? Mike: We did. So you know, I think that it was all one thing that I will say about our wedding is that it was actually much less expensive than people would expect. You know, being a destination, because we kind of did everything piecemeal and we didn't go through a resort, I think we were able to do it in three days much less expensively than most friends their one day that I've had. So you know, it was easier for me to say, you know, we're going to do what we want because it wasn't quite as expensive. But yes, there was some big pushback. So there were certain people, I won't name names, who felt like it was very selfish that we were getting married in Aruba. And I completely understood the sentiment but I said I'm not doing a good enough job articulating what this is. So I went right on that website, and granted I am a writer, and I just made it clear like this is our deepest honor to welcome you. Six years ago when Garrett first got to Aruba he knew he was welcome to the family. And that's the experience we want to create. And we recognize not everybody can come here. Here's all the things trying to help you but we also are having this at home reception as well. And so we want to make sure that you know you can still celebrate with us. And so it was something that I think for me, rather than fight fire with fire, my thinking was I really want to articulate my vision even more. And what was so devastating is that the day before, thank God we didnt send the save the dates out the day before we had sent them out, Garrett's grandfather had passed away. And so we obviously changed that envelope, because that would have been triggering for his grandmother to get. And we were able to, you know, we had the wedding a year later. And at that wedding, one of Garretts aunts came up to me and said, I can't thank you enough! I didn't think I wanted to even come, this was a lot of work! And I will never, like these memories I have with my mother that I didn't even realize was so important to me. Three days in Aruba laughing going on a party bus, like things I never thought I would do with my mother we had because you created this experience for us. And I think for me that was really all the validation because even the people who may be pushed back or resisted and didn't quite understand the vision at first, really got to see why we were creating this experience. Lauren: To hear it from others, to get that outside perspective is so lovely. Most of the time, if you stick with your gut, you're going to get the best out of it. And if the people who don't agree need to fall away, they need to fall away. Mike: I mean, it's hard. I want to validate everybody listening; it is really, really hard. And I think the one thing that that validation did for me was made me feel seen. And that is my wish to every person getting married is that you know, when those church doors open, or you turn on the beach, or whatever it is that you are doing and everybody turns and looks at you, or looks up at the groom if you're a groom listening, you just feel so seen. And like this is who I am. the world sees me fully. Like my heart is open, everyone gets to see me, and from what we're eating to the music to whatever. You know Lauren I have to say this quickly, I would be so mad if I didn't say this on this interview. I am like a go getter, right? And you might be able to tell that right now. I'm like, always pushing myself, always going for adventures. And I always thought I wanted to marry somebody who was going to push me and challenge me and make me grow. And one day my mom said to me, You know, Michael she calls me Michaell. She said, You know, Michael, you've always wanted someone who's really gonna push you, but you're not gonna find that person. That's who you are. You don't want someone who makes you go faster, you want someone who makes you want to slow down. And so in our wedding song, you know, of course our prelude to every song was meaningful, and we had by The Head and the Heart, Lets Be Still. And that was really a nod to that moment that you know, this is, you know, I want us to have three days where we're still in Aruba. But also Garrett is the slowest person in the world! Oh my God, he is so slow and grounded and steady! And this is not the interview he would give. But he makes me want to be still. And I think that you know, that something about that and being seen and feeling all of that is just my wish for everybody. Lauren: I think that balance is so lovely to have an in a couple and it's harder to stand out as an individual when you are so similar. I have other questions about the wedding, absolutely, but I really want to ask you, talking about being seen you have something that you show people how they can identify their essence and you call it Sacred Branding. And I was wondering if you could just talk a little bit about it. Mike: Oh, yeah, of course. I didn't expect to talk about this but yes! You know, so Sacred Branding basically what it is is I map a person's whole lived experience and figure out what levers they just naturally subconsciously pull every time they're successful. And so we all, you know every human I don't care if you're listening, youre like Mike I have no success -- yes you do. You have a successful friendship, a successful relationship, success at work. Something in your life is successful. And why that feels so good is the same reason over here and here and here. And the problem is that we just don't understand that. So why Garrett is in love with me is why I'm successful in my business, is why my friends like me right? For me, it's vulnerable and zany and free and unmistakable and successful. That's what I know that I bring to the table. Every moment of my success in life has had deep vulnerability. It's been zaniness and weirdness! To know yourself that fully you have to do that to allow yourself to be seen, right? And we even look at how I planned my wedding. And there was this radical, whimsy, zaniness that absolutely is in there. There's also kind of this deep honesty and personalness and vulnerability. And then theres this like elegance and success that goes in there. And so knowing my sensitivities, as I call them, or knowing what I'm most sensitive to in the world is really helpful. Because the truth is branding, as we talk about it isn't, you know, just something that's slapped on. Like people always say to me, Mike, Mike, Mike, my brand is to be this bubbly life coach. I'm like That is awesome. But what about in your relationship? And your friendships? Or healing from trauma? I'm talking about what's the essence of who you are. Can you articulate in your own language I don't want to hear a personality test in your own language the things you're most sensitive to. And now I'm shortening a two and a half hour process. So there's a lot more that goes into it. But what I'm really interested in is whether they're actors, drag queens, performers, you know, I work with people from every walk of life. How do you know with certainty, the essence of who you are? What makes you magnetic and so captivating and people falling in love with you? And then how do you begin to articulate that and your relationship, your job, your friendships anywhere in life. Lauren: I love that. Thank you for sharing. And my last question that sort of is bubbling up is most, you know, in a heteronormative sense of a wedding, you have this sort of reveal or this walking down the aisle to your partner, and it's usually the woman who's like, Oh, look at my dress or whatever. And I want to know, what did you guys decide to do? Because I know a couple of women who got married who they did a reveal to each other, you know, or they just walked down the aisle together. So I'm curious how you guys decided to sort of show yourselves that day to each other? Mike: You know, I wish everyone could do what we did. Because I know the big reveal is so amazing. And I really honor and love that. But we got ready together and split a bottle of champagne. And I just feel like that we were not nervous, we had a little buzz going, and we spent the time the hours getting ready talking about why we're doing this. And you know, because we didn't know we were a little nervous for the laws, we actually were legally married already. So it's kind of like if we don't go through with this, we just lose a bunch of money at the party! Like it's not the pressure! So it was really beautiful to just get ready together. And then we were both walking our moms down the aisle. And so the wedding planner had an idea last minute to do a reveal but to our moms. And so there was a hallway right before we got to the beach, and our moms were standing there facing away, and we tapped them on the shoulder. And they got photos of that as the moms turned around and saw us. And then we walked them down the aisle and you know, dropped them off at their chairs and went on to the altar. And so it was sort of nice to have a few layers to it, where we did have that reveal, we had the second reveal to the whole guests, you know, as we turned the corner, but we also had the experience of just remembering why we're doing this to each other. And I think that was meaningful. Lauren: I love that. You got all of the best of everything in one moment. I think that's fantastic! And I've interviewed a few people who have gotten ready together beforehand. And every person I've talked to none of them regret it. They all absolutely think it eases tension, it brings you closer, making it more of a collaborative experience. And it doesn't matter at the end of the day is the reality. Mike: Right. Can I give you one piece of advice that I was given before my wedding that I want to pass on to you? Lauren: Yes! Mike: And that is at some point, whatever your reception looks like, at some point in the reception, take your partner and go over to the bar or go over to, you know, an area with a drink. And just pause and look out and see out the entire wedding and every person there. And just say like We did this! And just have a cheers and watch, and just be guests at your own wedding for just a moment. Like really step outside of the scene. A barber we had before we got married gave us the advice that he was given for his wedding. So I want to pass it on to you. Lauren: I think its a fantastic piece of advice! So I am so grateful that we got to talk. I love your story! Is there anything that I haven't touched on, that you maybe want to talk about or touch on specifically obviously about the wedding experience that you had? Mike: I guess one thing. And that is I didn't think I was going to say anything, but it's that we didn't have well, we did have a cake kind of. But we were in Aruba and we wanted to honor the culture. And so we had a stroopwafel parfait, which was basically a play on ice cream cake, but I'm gluten free and cant eat that. So we had the option of that or mocha crme brulee. And the reason we had mocha crme brulee is because years ago I was in the mood for ice cream. And Garrett said to me like Ice cream? No, you're not gonna eat ice cream. I'll just whip up a dark chocolate semifreddo for you. And I was like, What? And he's like, Yeah, well, you're not an ice cream person like, you know, and he quoted the line from My Best Friend's Wedding. He said, You're never going to be jello, youre crme brulee! And I just felt really seen in that moment and sort of laughing about what a snob I am! Of course, I eat ice cream okay, as well! Everyone should know I do eat ice cream! But Garrett is an amazing cook and he loves to make something for me. And so it was really a nod to that, that like I am crme brulee and we're gonna all enjoy this. Lauren: Well I think we should all consider ourselves crme brulee, but you especially! I think that's fantastic. I think it's an amazing way to end the episode. So thank you so much again for being here. If anyone wanted to find you, where can they find you? Mike: Sure, yes! So you can go to MikeIamele.com and if you want to actually map those sensitivities or map that type of branding that we talked about you can just go to MikeIamele.com/map, M-A-P. We have a free training and worksheets so you can actually start mapping and figure this out for yourself and do a whole bunch of stuff there. And you can also find me on Instagram at just Mike Iamele. I'm a little bit shy but like pull me out of my shell, make me come hang out with you. I'm trying to get better on Instagram. So you can go find me over there. Lauren: Thank you so much. I'm so happy that you were here!