81 Dr. Valerie Rein Valerie:: If you want to, if you want to see how far you've come on your healing journey, go back to your childhood home and spend two weeks. Yeah, it was a litmus test. Right. And this is to say, this is not like we're waiting for some magical moment where, oh, I am completely healed. I don't think that is going to happen. Not to burst anybody's bubble. I don't think it's gonna happen. Um, as this end point. Oh, I'm completely healed. Um, It's just not, not what I see happening. Maybe, you know, if, if you see it differently, it's totally, totally cool with me. Uh, to me, this is the, the, um, the fine, the celebration, the, the gifts that we receive with each layer of trauma that we uncover and heal because it's layer by layer that's right. And each layer that we uncover or reveal that reveals something so deep, deep treasures that we stand to reclaim. And integrate by healing that layer. It's not healing your entire life, uncovering and healing, a layer and a layer and a layer. And before for you and I started recording, I was sharing with you how, how deep this journey. Taking me every day, every day I am covering new layers and our Thrivers as well. Monica: [00:00:00] So hello everyone. And welcome to another episode of the revelation project podcast. Have you ever wondered how good can it get? Well, 12 years ago when my world fell apart, I couldn't even ask myself that question yet. At that time in my life, I was just starting to understand that I couldn't really feel anything at all. Let alone entertain a question. Like how good can it get? Because I had been so acutely aware of just how much I was suffering. So that was like my constant reality was this just perpetual, suffering all the time. And I knew at that time in my life, I was just starting to get glimpses of the patriarchal system. So when I came across, Dr. Valerie rain's work, it truly was a revelation because she has basically revealed something called patriarchy stress disorder. She's also created the only science backed system for helping women. Achieve their ultimate success, happiness and fulfillment by revealing and healing. The intergenerational trauma of oppression. She holds. EDM in psychological counseling from Columbia university and a PhD in psychology from the Institute of transpersonal psychology, her bestselling book, patriarchy stress disorder, the invisible inner barrier to women's happiness and fulfillment has been heralded by Amazon reviewers as the most important body of literary work of our modern times. And perhaps the most important book of the century for women, her cutting edge programs have helped thousands of women shift from survival to thriving and master the game of how good can it get in their work and their personal lives. So you are in for a total treat today. Welcome Valerie. Valerie: [00:01:46] Hello, Monica. Thank you so much for having me. Monica: [00:01:50] Thank you so much for being here and for my listeners. I just want to say this to you. I am so blown away by your work. And honestly having read it, I felt like someone was finally giving me language for my own experience and I, I just, it's so important. I think what revealing in the world, what you're helping other women reveal in terms of what is hidden in our culture. And I think the truth for me is that I could relate to literally everything that you wrote in the book about being in a place of complete burnout, frustration, disillusionment, even feeling that rage, depression. And I always talk about. Where I was at when kind of, I had my own shattering experience and having adrenal fatigue and body issues and all the rest. So you've really just hit the nail on the head. So to say, Valerie:: [00:02:52] Yes, thank you for sharing your resonance. Monica: [00:02:55] I wanted to really start by just asking you to really define for our audience. Of course, what is Patriarchy Stress Disorder? How do you Valerie: [00:03:04] define it? It is, and a generation collective trauma or oppression that, uh, women have experienced on the patriarchy for thousands and thousands of years. And it manifests in so many ways, but ultimately creates this invisible in the barrier to women's ultimate success, happiness and fulfillment unbeknownst to us. Monica: [00:03:32] I'm literally looking outside my window right now and I'm seeing these fences and I always call, I always called it an invisible fence and I love right. It's it, it was in fact. Um, I'm having this validation experience like God, that is exactly what it felt like, that there were these invisible barriers and I couldn't really figure out why there were certain places that I, I was not supposed to go. Valerie: [00:04:00] Yeah. And it manifests in different ways. We can talk about the experience of a woman, which we probably, all of us have started out on the journey with this experience of just being in compliance with what patriarchy wants from us, how to be a good girl, how to be a good woman. A wife, a good mother and et cetera. And then there is an awakening that happens and sometimes it happens through a crisis or most often it happens through a crisis, whether it's a health crisis or a relationship crisis or a work crisis, this part of our identity begins to dismantle and it's, it's painful and it's revealing. There were certain various before the crisis. And there are certain barriers. Once we get on the healing journey, we think of barriers as barriers between where we are and way we want to be in terms of getting what we want, getting out desires. Well, let me backtrack. Even more first, there are barriers to even recognizing our desires. So these barriers are the pre awakening barriers. We're just on the track. Laid down by patriarchy for us, we don't even stop to think what is it that I authentically desire? What go by what we should want. I should want to have a career. I should want to look a certain way. Right? I should want to have a partner. I should want to have kids. And then there are all these questions that kind of. Come with answers, automatic answers from, from the patriarchy. So at this stage, there are barriers to even recognizing what we truly authentically want. And then the crisis awakens us to the fact that, oh shit, my life is good. But who am I? Who am I, who is living my life? Is this even the life that I wanted, and this is the painful reckoning, this is a painful revelation. And then we get in touch with our authentic desires. This is, this is kind of the beginning of this healing journey, jailbreak journey. As I call it in my work. Ooh, the desires themselves at disruptive would begin to recognize, I want this, I want that. I want this out of a relationship. I want this out of my work in the world. It's so scary. And then we perceive barriers as standing in the way between us and our desires. And we work through them on this journey and we get what we want it authentic. And that is where the game of how good can it get actually begins because there are barriers on the other side. And that's what I actually wanted to shed light on because it's so little talked about, actually, don't hear it talked about anywhere. It's all about how do you reach your goal? Alls they real. The real shit storm begins when you do reach your authentic. True. I'm glad we can talk about this Monica because this conversation deserves a lot of space because that's a conversation. Run out of audience. Like who's going to have compassion for you. Your life is so, good. Monica: [00:07:39] Well I just, it just like, it just struck me suddenly what you said, and it is so true. Like, and so where I was right. When my world fell apart, as they had done all the things I had succeeded in all of the ways. And so, yeah, that is when the real shit storm began because you know, the other thing that you said that I love so much is that desire, desire is disrupted. But what I also want to point to is the fact that many of us and I, and I was one of them. I hadn't, I hadn't desired in so long. I didn't even know what it felt like because I wasn't feeling anything. And it wasn't actually, the only way that I started getting to my desires was actually recognizing what I didn't want anymore. Mm. Mm. And then I slowly had to say no, not that. And to, to find where my yeses were because I was so backwards, everything was upside down. And I often say that women live in the upside down. We are living in a world that is kind of turned on its head and we can't see. You know the truth of who we are from this vantage point. Valerie: [00:08:51] Yeah. It's such a common experience. And, and once we, once we are there, I just want to just sprinkle the seeds of this perhaps highly unrelatable. Picture two, a lot of women, because some women listening, maybe in this phase of awakening to their desires, but I really want to encourage everybody to keep going, because this is your desires will change your life. Following your desires will revolutionize everything. And once you get it, I want to normalize at one. Once you get what you truly authentically desire, this is the beginning. Of the game of how good can it get? Because that is when PSD kicks into next gear. This is when you begin experiencing the real shaking and baking is when, when we are just following the tracks with patriarchy, we really w we're not experiencing it. Like we when know that something is holding us back. But once we get to really step into our visibility, when we get to step into a relationship of our dreams are beyond our wildest dreams. Mine happens to be actually everything in my life is way beyond my wildest dreams. And this is something that our Thrivers experience, as well as we journey together, uncovering and healing, PSD and other hidden traumas and our problems. They experience has become very quickly unrelatable, like beyond the wildest dreams. And so some people listening, maybe like Dr. Valerie, what the F are you even talking about, what is the problem? And the problem is that we really don't have role models out there living these lives. We don't have role models living the lives of very whole self-expression in every area. And how good can it get in every area? Yeah. We have women role models maybe who are doing great in business. And this area of their life is really shining, but they may still hate themselves, right? Deep down inside. They may not be able to relax. They may not be able to be playful with their kids and their partners. They may be maybe their love lives or their sex lives have dried up. And it's not our fault. Something that I want to explain is that once we start really reaching for and claiming I would design, and this is where women would work with actually, are they not yet? Sitting and, uh, you know, uh, dreaming, they are makers, they creators, they are claiming what they desire and what happens is PAC kicks into gear big time because everything that we are authentically desire is coded in our nervous system, in our subconscious as dangerous as mortal danger. So the brighter we shine, the more money would make. The more amazing our relationships become. The more I was just actually experiences this turbulence and this is where the game of how good can it get kicks in? This is where we do the work of rewiring our nervous system so that we can expand and feel safe. In our success and it doesn't come from the mind from the conscious mind. It doesn't come from affirmations. It doesn't come from a mindset work. It comes from the depths. It comes from how we are wired and what our system perceives as good for our survival. Is actually contrary to what is good for our thriving. So this is major, major work. And for us to lift this, the ceiling on how good can it get to? Not only we have the things that we'll want to have, but fully enjoy them fully, enjoy them and keep on expanding into how good can it get. We must develop a new skill, set, a skill set of thriving, and this is really the crux of it. I work in the world right now, because this is something that when not taught anywhere, we don't have role modeling in. And this is essential, not only for women's evolution, but for humanity, evolution and liberation. Monica: [00:13:14] Yeah, that's right. And I love what you're saying about the modeling and I call it fully permissioned women who are in full self approval. And it's this real idea of right. If we can't see it, we can't be it. And yet there's that paradox because at this point, it's through. Some of the tools that you and so many other brilliant women are building for women to be able to liberate themselves, to be able to start to stretch into their lives in a way that they had never before really given themselves permission to do that. Because again, these invisible barriers were consistently. Trying to keep them in survival mode. It wasn't, it's again, it's turning the whole thing on its head and that of course takes tremendous amount of practice. And it's something that we don't come by. Just one day, like it suddenly opens up and suddenly it's easy. This becomes work that we practice on a daily minute by minute basis. Valerie: [00:14:19] Exactly, exactly. And community is crucial in that. It's really that I've used this word unrelatable a very consciously. My life is completely unrelatable even to myself a few months ago. I could have never imagined that what I experienced daily would be possible both the circumstances of my life and how I feel inside. And our thrive is experienced that as well. And for us to not get sucked back into that common denominator of like, you got to suffer and you got to sacrifice and it's all hard work. And that's how we're programmed to be. And especially as women, we're programmed to sacrifice and give, give, give. And so even women who read. Uh, worldly success. They they're so trapped in this hamster wheel and not thriving. They still in survival. They may have million multi-million, um, a hundred million et cetera, dollar business, but they in survival. And what I mean by that is that the nervous system, it is in a state of hypervigilance. It doesn't relax. And this is what we hear from women. Get on this journey together. Yeah. I accomplished what I set out to accomplish, but, uh, I have a hard time stopping and relaxing. I had a hard time sleeping through the night. I don't feel arrested. I don't feel playful. I know there is more to who I am. To my authentic expression in the world. I know there's that next level in my work in the world, but I have a hard time wrapping my hands around that. And there are good explanations for all of that. Remember, success is coded as dangerous. For women fullest authentic, self-expression coded as danger for women. Monica: [00:16:17] Pleasure is coded as danger for women. Valerie: [00:16:20] Absolutely. A hundred percent, a hundred percent. And because of that, Our entire system, our subconscious, our nervous system is pushing against what we consciously want. These invisible in the barriers are inside and they are technically, they are trauma defenses. And just to illustrate how this works. So it's crystal clear. I love this study for the clarity of how it portrays, how intergenerational trauma is transmitted in this study, researchers introduced the smell of cherry blossoms to mice while simultaneously zapping their feet with mild electric shocks. These mice were then bread and their children. And the grandchildren, children, when exposed to the smell of cherry blossoms showed a strong fear and anxiety reaction. Okay. So let that drop into the body and translate, make, make that bridge, make that translation. What is PSD? PSD is fear, right? The smell of cherry blossoms, the women who have every opportunity in the world fearing the smell of cherry blossoms, which is everything that we deeply authentically desire that has been coded as unsafe in our systems. And so women go to around. We either experienced those barriers that hold us back and we danced with those barriers for awhile. Or we blazed through the barriers. When you say it, I'm going to do it anyway. And we did. But the nervous system still catches up with us and it robs us that that programming because the trauma still lives in our systems, unless we've done specific work to release it from the body, from the nervous system, it's not on the level of thinking at all at all. There's nothing to fix in our thinking that that would have that effect. And once, once we're, if we haven't done this work. It will keep on robbing us from being able to fully live our lives and enjoy and enjoy, and just not only have it all by a jump, but enjoy. And I really feel that this is that next stage in the liberation of women. Yes. We have the opportunity now, a thank you to every woman on whose shoulders we stand and their allies who have fought really, really hard. First or how the opportunities, and now this liberation front is on the inside because these are the exact opportunities that are burning us out that are creating all these crises in our lives. And I'm not saying to not take the opportunities. We absolutely absolutely take the opportunity and we can not afford to ignore the internal resistance. We can not afford to override. Basically perpetrating oppression on ourselves. Oh, just forget about it. Right. Just feel free or do it in a new way. Uh, we can not afford to do that because the price is too high. The price is too high, so many successful high achieving women, right. Are burning out or are under living under feeling and expressing themselves with their partners, with themselves, with their kids, with their friends. No, no, no, no, no, no. Monica: [00:20:04] I love everything. I think what you're speaking to leads me back to the body, holds the wisdom really all the time. And it's, it's remembering as women again, that enjoyment and what you said about the cherry blossoms, right. And not being such a profound revelation in terms of understanding how generational trauma works, because we have power. This inherited system down generation to generation. And here we are a day after mother's day. It isn't lost on me as I visit my mother after 18 months of having not been able to see her right through COVID that I immediately kind of noticed what it is to even walk through the threshold of my childhood home, the triggers that immediately kind of set off in my nervous system. And Dr. Valerie, I was kinda like, wow, look at this. It's so interesting. I actually, in the 18 months, right. And this is nothing specific against my mother at all, but it's the conditioning, it's the childhood conditioning. And in some ways without. Had the 18 months to really recognize how settled and kind of calm my nervous system has become. Yeah. It was really interesting to kind of come home and start to recognize how worked up I was getting. And I was like, why is this? And it's, there was that immediate kind of understanding of like, well, here you are like entering back into this world again. Yeah. You know, we're conditioned in our families. We can't avoid that to be, to play different roles. And, and it's just been kind of interesting to see how that is, that I'm reminded of the ways in which I am my nervous system. My body holds wisdom that sometimes I cannot kind of logically make that connection until I tune it. Valerie: [00:22:03] Absolutely. I love you. Speaking to that.Pema Chödrön awonderful. Um, Buddhist teacher who is, who has lived a very full life and there's a mom. And, um, is this, um, you know, I'm American woman who, who, and, um, became a. Buddist nun.. Anyway, I'm a big fan though, family children. And she talks about if you want to, if you want to see how far you've come on your healing journey, go back to your childhood home and spend two weeks. Yeah, it was a litmus test. Right. And this is to say, this is not like we're waiting for some magical moment where, oh, I am completely healed. I don't think that is going to happen. Not to burst anybody's bubble. I don't think it's gonna happen. Um, as this end point. Oh, I'm completely healed. Um, It's just not, not what I see happening. Maybe, you know, if, if you see it differently, it's totally, totally cool with me. Uh, to me, this is the, the, um, the fine, the celebration, the, the gifts that we receive with each layer of trauma that we uncover and heal because it's layer by layer that's right. And each layer that we uncover or reveal that reveals something so deep, deep treasures that we stand to reclaim. And integrate by healing that layer. It's not healing your entire life, uncovering and healing, a layer and a layer and a layer. And before for you and I started recording, I was sharing with you how, how deep this journey. Taking me every day, every day I am covering new layers and our Thrivers as well. And we, and we share with each other because, um, we call it four minute miles. Just, just like, sir, Roger Bannister, who, who ran, who was that? A person on the record to have run a four minute mile before he did it was considered humanly impossible to do it. And after he did lots of other humans did it. So when we heal and in community, We share with each other. I call this collective acupuncture share. This is what I'm discovering. Oh my gosh. Oh, this Monica, this, I noticed this is playing out and I completely was unaware of how. I was subconsciously taking up less space when, when I was teaching with my partner. Oh shit. Monica: [00:24:50] What you're pointing to here, which is so brilliant is like, we're sharing our revelations with each other. Right. And we're learning from each other. Valerie: [00:24:58] Yeah. And we are making it safe for each other to go there to those deaths because our subconscious gets the message. Oh, she gets to feel it. She gets to talk about it and not only should not reject it, but she's actually loved even more and she's so safe and she is so supported. We can go there too and see same goes for success with drivers claims. They desires on greater and greater levels and bring back, oh, you know, I quadrupled my revenue this month or, you know, I'm in featured in this publication or whatever is happening. That is so exciting. And, and we witnessed and we'd go, oh, It's safe for me to. Monica: [00:25:49] Its safefor me to celebrate it's safe for me Valerie: [00:25:52] And it's safe. Yeah. It's safe to celebrate and it is safe to experience that too. It's one thing to see somebody on the screen and go, oh yeah, well of course, but they can do it, but they're not me, but when we're journeying together, we know each other. So intimately, so vulnerably so deeply, like I know. That her, uh, prison guards, her trauma defenses. I know them because they're the same as mine and I've seen her share and I've seen her work through them. And so when she comes back and goes, I quadrupled my revenue, I go. Yeah, I can totally see that happening for me too, because I relate. Monica: [00:26:37] Yes, I know. And Dr. Valerie, one of the things that you're pointing to is of course, this structure, that again, as we reveal that we are part of this hidden system, And so there are many of our listeners that understand this and know this. And then of course there are other listeners who might be just joining us today, who this concept might be new for. And so, and those of us that hadn't read your book, I wondered if you could talk a little bit about the prison guards, because it's very, very true, right? That the way that we kind of have managed ourselves or kept ourselves safe in the past has almost been like a way of not realizing. But imprisoning ourselves. And so I wondered if you could take, talk about that a little bit more. Yeah. Great question. So what I refer to as prison gaurds are trauma defenses, and these are subconscious mechanisms that play out. And now I thinking. In the way our body expresses herself through health, expressions, and energy, et cetera, feeling safe, feeling unsafe and through our actions and behaviors. And most of that stuff. Well, I guess by definition, they are unconscious. So it's not technically us doing this thing. So it's not us orchestrating it is our system subconsciously keeping us safe and to take a step back and show what I mean by trauma. I mean, Any experience that made you feel unsafe physically or emotionally in your fullest, authentic expression and led degrading trauma adaptations to keep you safe. Valerie: [00:28:26] Okay. You may be wondering when have I ever felt safe in my fullest authentic expression. And that is a fair question. We will all born into this invisible in a prison of intergeneration. Well trauma. We have inherited most of our prison guards, like the prison guard of don't shine, too brightly. Right? If something is going well in your life, you know, don't, don't share about it. You know, people will be jealous people won't like you don't, Monica: [00:29:01] Don't be too sexy. Valerie: [00:29:03] Don't speak your mind. Oh, don't be too sexy. Most definitely. You gotta be sexy, but not too sexy. Fine line. Ooh, there's so much we can be unpacking them all day long and it won't be enough, but I want you to take away from this conversation is that you haven't created them. You haven't consciously created them. You've inherited a bunch. You weren't born with those and through your own life experiences, you've developed a few more. Maybe. In kindergarten, you were doing show and tell and somebody laughed and maybe they were not even laughing at you, but in that moment you felt like disappearing. It felt like just crawling out of your skin, slithering out of the room. And now. You may have fear of public speaking and you may be thinking, oh, it's nothing like it happened a long time ago. It doesn't affect me anymore. Or some people think, oh, I worked through it in therapy. And um, most of our Thrivers come to us after having been in therapy. Some, some of them for decades and not because they, they they're so quote unquote messed up, but because they've been working so hard to get their life to where they wanted it to be, right. They've been working really, really hard and in the outer world and the, in the world and talking about trauma, doesn't resolve trials. Okay. Talking about trauma, doesn't resolve from, it's not the same as working through working through trauma must involve the body. It must involve the body because the body is they expression, um, on an expression of our subconscious mind. So that's how we actually work with prison guards. We don't try to override them. We don't try to negate them and prison guards can show up at. You know, the inner critic, the imposter syndrome, they will prison guards. They're very effective. If you mind is telling me, oh, it's telling you it's not going to work, or who's going to want to listen to you or ano you don't have enough expertise. You get to read all this book. It's effectively holding your back. Right. It's keeping you safe. Monica: [00:31:23] I discovered my most recent prison guard I discovered was my perfectionist prison guard. It's a good one. Yeah. Right. Cause it's it's it's so, um, I'm sharing this with our listeners because there's so many places that I. Hadn't recognized that the perfectionist was taking over and that, that was actually a survival mechanism versus something that I could actually let go of. And, and so to disrupt that behavior or to recognize it, I first had to really kind of. Sit with it, sit with what the, what the impact has been on my life and, and actually start to recognize all the places it shows up. And I think we've been taught to run from those scary messy emotions, because we feel like if I take some time here and really. Be with the discomfort of the discovery, right. Of the revelation that I'm somehow going to be annihilated. And to go back to your love of Pema Chodron, I to shut her book, actually, when things fall apart, I always talk about was my lifesaving book when my world fell apart, because yeah, because she had this way of helping me understand the wisdom of not escaping from yeah. From my truth, from my, from my own feelings of discomfort. And there was a way that she explained how to be friend myself, that felt so. The antithesis of what I had been trained to do. Valerie: [00:33:05] Yeah. Exactly befriending ourselves. What a concept, befriending our minds, befriending our bodies. What I get to be a friend of my body and not abuse her by you through these punishing diets and compulsive exercise to beat, beat her into compliance with what I call patriarchy. Perfect. All of them. Right. It's it's revolutionary unlearning and learning. And what we bring into this discovery, um, I love how you framed it as this discomfort of discovery. Absolutely. There's so much discomfort and we make it easier, a lot easier by adding tools that help to rewire the nervous system that help create capacity to be with something that might've felt scary and actually. Bring up those experiences, discharged them from the nervous system, move them through, move them out, reintegrate things on the, on the physical physiological biological levels. And it's truly fascinating because these prison guards then evolve to body guards, the prison guards from the inner critic and different self-defeating thoughts. On the mind level or on the physical level of maybe anxiety, depression, they all start out as prison guards. And then if unattended, they may become chronic conditions that, that through deeply into our nervous system and become kind of the normal because they are keeping us safe. Anxiety by a hypervigilance and depression by it's kind of, it's kind of a freeze response on top of that hypervigilance and all sorts of hormonal imbalances and all sorts of, um, aches pains, right? All the physical expressions or energy, low energy high, they are holding us back. Behaviors such as, um, addictive behaviors, unhelpful behaviors, health self-sabotaging behaviors, like from, you know, your Netflix marathon to, um, having a hundred tabs open on your browser or distraction, procrastination or perfection. All of this, just recognizing that none of that is any kind of a personality flaw. Okay. or any kind of a thing that is wrong with you that you need to sex. But looking at it from the point of view of compassion, having so much compassion and we, we even go as far as appreciated. Appreciating this prison guards for having been there for generations and generations, having been there for us, enabling our survival. And then we retrain them to become our bodyguards because yes, we still need to be safe. But in the very conscious way we get to engage this mechanisms. So from being firing from our subconscious, to being our conscious allies and protecting us, not by holding us back, keeping us stuck in the status quo, no matter how painful it may be on fulfilling to be able to protect us on the journey. On the journey to our greater visibility success, all of our desires, that is in essence what this transformation makes possible. Monica: [00:36:28] I want to mirror this back to you, Dr. Valerie, because it's so amazing because you're what you're really talking about here is like the alchemy of transformation. Because what I'm hearing you say is that the prison guards are what keep me locked into the trauma. But when I do the work and I discharge this and I. Gain access to tools that kind of give me then the ability to work with what is in the moment to kind of become aware and start to practice these tools. Then what happens is that now I'm out fully expressing in the world and I get to kind of now acknowledge and have the. Basically bodyguards that they're no longer keeping me locked in. They're protecting me as I navigate the world by almost being in it. And I loved your, now that I'm thinking of it, I loved how you described it in the book or was it the book or was it on a video? I saw you in where the prison guard could keep track of all of the prisoners from its vantage point. Weren't you saying that was it you, that was saying this. But then if you kind of are on the outside that the, that the prison guard becomes this almost like bodyguard, like walking side by side, you're able to now take your work out into the world and your full self-expression out into the world and really kind of have your body guard kind of checking in with you. If you do get kind of triggered or disrupted in that moment, you kind of can recover more easily. Valerie: [00:38:05] Exactly. And it's just easy. It's easier. We're so programmed that it's all hard work and sacrifice, I think can be easy and you don't get to enjoy until you're like, oh, you don't even get to rest until you're just dragging. You just spent and then you'll collapse and recall it. The rest, no F that, that rest is central. Pleasure is central living alive. Designed by our desires is, is, is how we roll. That's that's the thriving reality that way of co-creating with our Thrivers. And this is that I feel one of my greatest joys in life is seeing that become a new normal yes, for me and our Thrivers, because that's the shift. I want to see habit in the world. I want my daughter growing up, seeing. More and more women carrying this as their new normal, that life can be easy. Life is easy. Life is fun. And that fullest authentic expression is available to them at any moment. Monica: [00:39:12] That's right . And, and this is where we go back to the community and why it's so essential. I often talk about how important women's circles are. And especially of course, women who have done this work because this is how we continue. Keep it in practice. And when we forget, of course, we have our community to remind us to help us remember that we're not here to. Continue to carry the patriarchal rules forward as women. And when we're unconscious to this conditioning, that is what we do as women, we can often kind of almost have this unrecognized, unrevealed, internal massage journey. Absolutely. And how we actually behave together is by harming each other in our. And this is obviously right. Very different in the context of which we're speaking is practicing with women who are actually in integrity with doing this work. And it just does become so much easier over time. Valerie: [00:40:13] Yeah. Yeah. Women who are all also on this healing journey, all of us have experienced a wounding in the community. And, uh, specifically in the community women. So there's oftentimes a lot of hesitation when our Thrivers, uh, on the threshold of joining our community am ADA know if they're going to be safe and, uh, because all our traumas have been received in community, be a community of just one more person or more than one person healing also must happen. In a community. Okay. When we're talking about intergenerational and collective trauma, collective trauma requires collective healing and, um, yeah, it is so, so refreshing. And the world changing to be a part of a community of women who are truly going into the core power, into their core wisdom that does not involve. Power over somebody's competition and jealousy, but, uh, but the opposite is true where the more one of them. Takes up space. The more everybody takes up space, the more one of us steps into her power, the more everybody taps into her power. And we would just amass that communal safety and communal healing together. Monica: [00:41:41] Yeah. I would love for you to speak to a little bit about men because of course, one of the beautiful things. Love so much about your work is that this, this isn't necessarily about excluding men, because one of the things that you talk about is in light of your discovery of PSD, we know that this very much harms in impacts men as well. Valerie: [00:42:08] Absolutely. Yeah. When I say patriarchy, I don't mean men. That's an important distinction. Patriarchy is a system of inequality and oppression where historically power political, economic, and even moral power has belonged to men with the exclusion of women and people have crossed agenda spectrum. So this system traumatized. People across the a gender spectrum, including men deeply, the cost of membership in club. Patriarchy is really high for everyone. Women have to conform to a very narrow self-expression range. Men as well, patriarchy tells men that they cannot be nurturing. They can not be emotional. They can not be in touch with their emotions. The only allowable emotion for men is anger and they gotta be competitive. They've got to be aggressive and. It is not the fullest expression of humanity for anyone. So it is extremely painful and traumatic to be stripped of that freedom of the fullest, authentic expression for everyone. And so of course it translates into a massive mental health crisis for men, as well as women and people across the gender spectrum. Of course, there's a lot of, there are a lot of issues in relationships. That are not ours, you know? And then you, you, you go to, and relationship coach or family therapist, and the focus is going to be probably on your family of origin, which is valid. Like where does your baggage from, from, or your previous experiences and previous relationships, it's all valid. And it does not. Go far enough because most of our issues actually come from generations and generations of intergenerational trauma. And there's a collective conditioning on the patriarchy. That is the crux of it. And once we go there, everything. Begins to have more space and unfold and your relationship can go to the next level of how good can it get? That's what we see happening with our Thrivers and their, their parenting, their relationship with their kids go like completely unfolds. They start enjoying their lives. They start having this amazing embodied experience where they actually enjoy being in their own skin and genuinely love themselves, not just like saying words of affirmation to the mirror and, uh, But then the kind of the actual emotional experience not matching that. Right. All of that is available. All of that is absolutely within reach. We just need to broaden the lens of our exploration, our revelation, when you, we must include intergenerational and collective trauma. Monica: [00:45:13] Um, yeah, so much. And I think, you know, when I think about. Men and women and how frustrating it is because we've of course each been conditioned to not be able to relate to each other, which, you know, it's so crazy making honestly. And so to your point, It's how good can it get? And I can so relate to what you said about, you know, my life is unrecognizable. If I were to, you know, go back to who I was before I started doing this work and how, not only has it liberated me, but it's liberated my relationship with my. My partner now, and it's liberated my relationship with my children. It's liberated my re you know, it's like, uh, now I'm modeling just like you said, for my own children, what is a fully permissioned and, you know, woman who is in her pleasure look like, yeah. And what is she saying no to. And what is she saying? Yes to, I mean, and so all of the ways in which. Teaching this work have very practical applications, but the biggest one that I see is we learn to trust ourselves and we also learn what true intimacy really is. Valerie: [00:46:31] Yeah. Yeah. That's a, that's a sweet spot right there. Monica: [00:46:35] Mm. Yeah. And I loved that. I always love that term. You know, when we break down intimacy, it really is, you know, That vulnerability that allows somebody to see exactly what's going on with me and having the tools to express it in that moment. Yeah. In a way that let someone in versus keeps them out. Valerie: [00:46:56] Brene Brown said about vulnerability, that and trauma, that the greatest. Thing that trauma takes away from us is access to vulnerability. And it's really deep. And all of us, all of us carry trauma, little T traumas, little experiences, big T trauma. Some of them. And all of us without exception, intergenerational trauma, that's all right. Unless your DNA is from another planet completely and fully, and you're not related to any humans who walk this earth before you. We all carry that. And this discovery, what we know from the field of epigenetics, to me, this is one of the most liberating discoveries of recent areas, because it gives us this leverage. It gives us this revelation that. Nothing is wrong with you. You don't need to fix anything about you. And there is something to heal and just as trauma is genetically transmitted, so is healing. So we actually have the unprecedented precedent and opportunity, both having access to this scientific proof and knowledge and two tools for healing that. Give us the opportunity to interrupt intergenerational transmission of trauma in just one generation. Even if you already have kids, or even if you don't have kids or not planning on having kids, it doesn't matter. You still are. You're listening to this right now. You have access to this right. You are in this powerful position of interrupting this intergenerational transmission of trauma by embodying this change that you want to see in the world. How amazing is that your life is transformed and so is the world. Mm. Monica: [00:48:52] I love that. I love that so much. It's so true. It's really powerful. When, when you really start to look at the. The science and the impact. Uh it's it's incredible. And I think I often think of Malcolm Gladwell's work and the tipping point, because yeah, I think the more and more does that start to do this work and really start to take off sponsor ability. Cause it's, it's not our fault. I often say that it's not our fault, what happened to us, but it is our responsibility once we know to. Offer ourselves the work of healing and that what gets revealed does get healed and that it doesn't all happen at once, but that it, to your point, it gets easier. And it just it's like there, I have had moments, Dr. Valerie:, where I have just. You know, even in the last year, even under in the pandemic experienced moments of unprecedented joy that I have never felt before, because I'm allowing myself to feel at, cause I trust myself to feel at such a deep, deep level. And so it's just exquisitely. Beautiful. So I really just want to, again, Thank you for your work in the world. Thank you for just I'm in the midst of writing. And I know what it actually takes to like sit down and I can't even imagine what it felt like to put these complex thoughts and get them out in the world and, and just, I really admire you so much. So I just want to thank you again for bringing this work to the world and just really inviting. Our audience to of course, find out more about you in the show notes. And I would love for you to tell them where they can follow you online and on Instagram. Yeah. Thank you so much, Monica, for your kind words. I so appreciate that. And I do, and I did, and I've always had a strong team supporting me in everything I do. Valerie: [00:50:55] I think it's a myth that needs to be busted once. And for all that, if you're a strong woman, you, you do it all by yourself. No, I, it definitely. Of strength for me is in community again. Right. So always having people supporting me, mentors, collaborators, people, yeah. Who co-create with me, always, always, always. So to that effect, if you are resonating with what we're talking about, if you'd like to, um, dip your toes in, into the space of the book, Dr. valerie.com forward slash book, that's where you can download the first chapter. And also the book resources and start playing with practices and I'm active on Instagram and it's Dr. Valerie: rein follow me. I love receiving DMS. So if you have any questions or takeaways from this conversation with love, I would love to hear from you and from time to time, or we have a live experiences where we can gather we can, uh, be in community. And so if you are on my, if you do download that. Chapter of the book. You, you will be invited to be on my mailing list and receive my thriving notes. And you'll be invited to join us for one of those. Or you can also head on over to the thriving experience.com. That is our really big event, which we do a couple of times a year. The thriving experience.com. It is currently free to attend. I don't know if it will always be going forward, but it is now still we have women from all over the world coming in and experiencing together that shift from survival to thriving. And it's so, so, so powerful. So I hope to continue this conversation and I hope that we are now joined on this journey of uncovering and healing, intergenerational trauma, and playing the game of how we're going to get. Monica: [00:52:57] How good can it get? Game worth playing. Thank you so so much. And of course, for our listeners until next time more to be revealed, We hope you enjoyed this episode. For more information, please visit us@jointherevelation.com and be sure to download our free gift subscribed to our mailing list or leave us a review on iTunes. We thank you for your generous listening and as always more to be revealed.