Conflict Resolution 
 
 [00:00:00] so today Nadine you have on your heart for us to talk about conflict resolution. The I do yes. Yes. Yes conflict is such a part of life and I feel like we need help has this as a society as a community just like how do we handle conflict, you know?
Yeah,  what I think is so interesting about this topic is that to me people associate conflict as something as negative and I don't think conflict necessarily means it's a negative thing to have I agree. I think companies part of life. I think complex as part of healthy relationship.

 so I looked up just like the definition of conflict and it says a serious disagreement or argument A Clash. I mean everybody in life have conflict.  Like it's just part of life. [00:01:00]  
Right? I mean, yeah, unless you're oblivious to what's happening around you right? . I think there's different ways to handle conflict and here's okay. I have this Theory. And this is where this all comes from. My theory is like we live in a world where we are not taught how to handle conflict and it's also not very well modeled for us.
So  we teach kids how to read we teach kids how to speak in its model for them. We teach kids, you know how to love and how to but I don't think we teach people how to handle conflict and so most of us as adults typically reserved handle conflict like children. And so I watched my little guy and how he handles complex and he'll throw a temper tantrum or he'll like ignore the situation or how cry or he'll tattletale, you know, and I feel like we kind of do the same thing as adults [00:02:00] like we will yell and argue and throw a temper tantrum or will ignore the person.
Or will feel like victims and act like victims and talk about how we're victims or will gossip. Right? Well tattle-tale and all of that is just immaturity but can a mature way to handle conflict. What do you think about all that? Like, what do you think about just that whole Theory and Concepts and all of that?
  it's almost like we revert back to what we did as children because  like you said we never were taught how to. Deal with it and it's a We Stand we literally just revert back to like what we did. Naturally  when we first dealt with things that didn't go our way.
 and one of the things that I wonder about is is there is there like when do we like because I feel like this is a personality trait but like there are people who obviously avoid conflict and then there's people who like push for. Step and so it's like when do you do like, how do you determine when that's [00:03:00] appropriate or when it's not because as we said in the very beginning like I don't think necessarily have an argument is always a bad thing or a negative thing.
It's just hashing out.  what are the best ways that you have found to resolve the conflict that's naturally going to occur. . I think there are such different personalities, but I think the first step is maybe just making peace with the fact that. Part of being a human being is experiencing in walking through situations where there will be conflict.
Like it's unavoidable for the people who avoid it. because ignoring is not going to fix it. Right like it's just not so for the people out there who just ignore the conflict like that actually doesn't fix it because it keeps you in resentment. Like now you're with now you're holding in all this resentment.
That's just going to make you sick and angry and frustrated  so that's step one. I think step two is what do we do with it? And I think that goes back to maturity like the word that [00:04:00] wants to come up for me is just responding maturely.
Yeah, that's harder though than it sounds. Yeah, so so how would a mature adult handle a conflict? Well, they wouldn't throw a temper tantrum. They wouldn't run away. They wouldn't ignore they would listen.  To understand.
Yeah, yeah, like they would listen it almost like going back to that like the Curiosity brain like they would listen to understand.  Not listen to respond. Listen to not listen to defend but like this listening to understand so instead of being like Oh, no, I disagree because visited or they just run away and ignore the whole situation or they go and gossip or they do whatever which is immaturity.
They actually listened to actually understand the other person.  you said something words like listening to understand, you know requires you to wait before you [00:05:00] react.  
 
 what you feel and conflict is not to be negated.
It's not to be  ignored because feelings are real. The reality is you  don't to give in to this feeling so when you're faced with the conflict instead of it, you can feel angry because maybe maybe that person wasn't mature and how they approach you or whatever.
 you pause and ask us questions and seek to understand, then you're not giving those feelings power and  the Nuance there for me is like when I say don't give the feelings power.
I mean like I'm not going to respond based on the anger that I'm feeling. I'm allowed to be angry, but the way that I. Should be coming from a place of , seeking understand or you know what I mean versus like I'm just going to snap, you know pop off because that's how I feel in this moment.
And honestly that goes a Bible verse James 1:19 says no this my beloved Brothers let every person [00:06:00] be quick to hear slow to speak and slow to anger.
So that's right align with what you're saying of , I'm not going to give my feeling power. Like I'm going to first listen, like I'm going to be quick to hear and slow to speak and slow to get angry.   I think so often we feel as if the person who responds.
The quickest or the loudest is the person in control of the conversation,   you can resolve so much Conflict by just literally being that person who is slow to speak slow to respond, just taking that pause before the conflict even evolve. And the first step doing that is it's almost like I almost imagine like handing them the speaking Vuitton or something like, you know, like when you play a game where it's like, okay, you hold the speaking hat or the speaking ball.
Now, it's your turn to speak right? You know what I'm talking about? I totally so linen is 3 so . What  I have found in this analogy is when she's flipping out and throwing a tantrum or just  totally, you know, like [00:07:00] losing it if I get down to her level and I look at her and her eyes, and I'm like, okay now tell me what's going on.
 to me  the same thing that we should be doing in our adult relationships because if somebody is showing up upset and we're clashing and it's like, okay, let's just what's what's really going on here. I feel like so much could be resolved because and even when we talk about like silly stuff  where people are arguing online.
We're talking about maybe politics or maybe something bigger than like, well my sister stole my cookie, right? But if you're if you're emotional and upset about something instead of instead of popping off with well. This is my opinion blah blah blah. We could  say. You know, why is this so important to you?
Because there might be a story that you don't know.  so the seeking to understand I think that's a big piece and  I think the second piece though is you need to use your voice to communicate your own feelings in an authentic gentle vulnerable way.
[00:08:00] And that's hard to do. Sometimes when you're worked up and you're you know, emotionally charged. It's so hard to do. And so maybe I have to pause and I need to sit in my anger for a little bit and I need to like let all that and then when I can.  gently and vulnerably share my feelings that I need to go back to that person and they need to address it.
I can't just let it be and I can't lash out because I actually know it's not going to solve it. Letting it be he's not going to solve it. I need to come back when I'm able to not be so emotionally charged to use my voice and share my feelings. But I mean, let's dig in there's two things. You said there that I think are really big one is again  referencing James slow to speak, but that could also  mean.
Don't speak for a minute. Like slow can be pause  take a break. So I think I think that's huge and I think telling somebody look we're in Conflict right now. I can't I gotta I gotta walk away. That's maturity. Right and I could leave early. Maybe I need a breather.
The other thing you said there that I think is really important as you said [00:09:00] your voice. So in today's world, most communication happens via text or via email or it doesn't actually happen where you can hear the tonality or intonation of people's voice and so so much is lost and how we communicate and so much conflict could be not even there should be no there could conflict could never manifest if we  just had voice to Voice or face-to-face conversation.
Yeah, yeah, cause when you're in Conflict like sending it as an email, like it's just not received like a phone call or a zoo, especially with today's technology where you could do a video chat, you know, or there is something more powerful obviously live is best but I think voice is good no, it's just funny because I literally have these Bible verses in front of me. And this is the next one like literally a line with what we're saying just about like how to respond like it says Proverbs [00:10:00] 15:1 and it has a soft answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger and I just think  responding when you're ready to address it and with a soft answer versus  attacking with a harsh word.
That I really want to give to our listeners and to you ladies is you know, is there conflict in your life right now that you're avoiding or you're responding aggressively with and if there is will you look at it and just accept it like make peace with it embrace it versus fight against it or ignore it or run away from it.
And then the second piece is can you try to respond like an adult by listening to understand and then when you're ready? To calmly and maturely respond using your voice to respond and share your feelings and we'd love to hear like if you use these tools and how they're working for you whether it's with your child or whether it's with, [00:11:00] you know, your husband or whether it's with somebody at work, but I'd be curious how they work out for you and if you have any other ideas on conflict resolution.
 I would love to hear how other people have handled. Conflict before and even  the scripts that you use, you know what I mean? Like what are the some of the key phrases that you have in your back pocket that help eliminate that conflict when you're starting to feel emotional in the moment.
So share the goodies with the ladies. that's gonna wrap it up. All right.